Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Pass the Herm, We Be Chiefing: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 6th seed -- Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)

As a connoissieur of hatred, it pleases me greatly to watch players like Larry Johnson. LJ hates white people. So much so that he refuses to listen to Handsome Boy Modeling School's last album, and not only because it's mediocre. That rock 'n' roll could never have a racism like this. Okay, maybe it has.

Anyway, I know, I am given to exaggeration. What LJ really said is that because Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards is black, he can better identify with LJ as a person, and therefore is better equipped to handle him as a coach. That makes some sense. I mean, who is blacker than Herm Edwards? Most white coaches might wonder why Johnson left the Knicks in the first place, because, hell, they can't tell them apart. I don't much understand Larry Johnson either, but not as much as I don't understand how a team that lost to the Steelers 45-7 is in the playoffs.

Of course, little does LJ realize, one of the three black head coaches in the playoffs will be eliminated because of the Chiefs/Colts Wild Card matchup. Is it a matter of the cutthroat nature of being a minority coach in the NFL or is the league purposefully grouping the black coaches into a playoff ghetto from which they know they have reduced chances of survival? Clearly it's another Machiavellian plan hatched by HNIC Roger Goodell.

Herewith we welcome, in the comments section, to engage in a reasoned discussion of these and other matters pertaining to race are noted academics Dr. Henry Louis Gates Jr., Mark Anthony Neal, associate professor of black popular culture at Duke University, and, as always, thebigo.

38 comments:

Larry Bird Flu said...

I think black people's hair feels funny.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Instead of going into OT - this game should come down to a Stare Off between Edwards and Dungy - and see which one looks the most unenthusiastic about the play of their team that day.

It would be a match up of epic proportions.

BoSox Siobhan said...

KC took the Titans spot in the playoffs and for that I hate them. I also hate stupid dreamboat™ for beating the Titans on Sunday. Fuck the Patriots.

highonLowe said...

First person with a "blank hates black people" joke loses.

Rob I said...

Just in case y'all want some real awards, the nominations are open for the 2007 Bloggies.

highonLowe said...

dammit.

The Last Unitard said...

Herm Edwards is about as black as Tony Dungy.

And if Larry Johnson cared to look closely, he'd know that the absence of Chris Elliot totally sucked all the white out of 'White People'.

P.S. Gimmick bands shouldn't make second albums.

TheBigO said...

"I think black people's hair feels funny. "

You obviously mean our pubes.

Unsilent Majority said...

I think black people's hair feels funny.

HA!

anon said...

> ...because, hell, they can't tell them apart.

Speaking of which (and not to be too indelicate), who else here thinks Herm Edwards is the Faker to Tony Dungy's He-Man?

The Last Unitard said...

I think Dungy is Van Damme and Edwards is the other Van Damme in the Van Damme movie with two Van Dammes.

anon said...

Might that be Double Impact?

"Two brothers separated by the violence. Now together in a mission of revenge."

(And, yes, thebigo... we all know that Van Damme's a huge pussy.)

Landru said...

I hates black people.

Oh damn, I lose.

TheBigO said...

""Two brothers separated by the violence. Now together in a mission of revenge.""

See this tag line right here had me pumped I thought it was gonna be a good movie starring the likes of Wesley Snipes and The cat who played Spawn (I should have known better though, Hollywood make a big budget movie with 2 black male leads, yeah right, gotta throw a white guy in there somewhere). But no, we got a double dose of the biggest studio fighter in history. Lame.

Bad Barbecue said...

I saw the one with the two black male leads being violent and/or on a mission of revenge. I think it was called "News at 11:00".

wah-wah-wah.

TheBigO said...

Wow, that was hilarious. I can almost hear the snare and cymbal.

S.S.S. said...

Two male black leads? Ever see Bad Boys?

I'm sorry that I did....

Unsilent Majority said...

good lord bbq, that was terrible

TheBigO said...

Wow, s.s.s., you did it, I knew someone would, congrats how long did that take you?

anon said...

It popped into my head in about 2 seconds.

It's kind of the exception that proves the rule (as I'm straining to think of even one more example).

TheBigO said...

BAD BOYS 2, you're welcome.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Wow. This game is really hard without cheating and using IMDB. That's fucking sad.

I guess The Wire doesn't count.

swing4 said...

Hellooo?! Does it have to be an action movie? What about all of the movies with black male and female leads? Waiting to Exhale, How Stella Got her Groove Back, Ray, Dreamgirls, any Eddie Murphy film where he talks to animals or dresses in drag... Oh, I get it, you guys only get worked up about race and MEN.

8hrdrive said...

What about Friday? That movie was seen by more white people than Gone With the Wind.
Did Mississippi Burning have 2 black leads?
What about Rush Hour?

8hrdrive said...

Chiefs 35 Colts 21

Larry Bird Flu said...

No, I'm not only thinking action, but I'm trying to think of films that weren't marketed as "black films" or weren't clear ensemble pieces. Stella, Friday, Exhale, etc. were all marketed as films by black people FOR black people.

So the sad thing is that you can't look at a movie that was clearly aimed at the entire world but just happened to have two black leads.

becky said...

believe it or not, sir charles gets samuel L. pontificating on precisely this in one of his books...

swing4 said...

I would again offer up Ray and Dreamgirls, but their "period" nature might undercut their relevance to this discussion. What about a movie carried solely by a black man and aimed at a mass audience? I'm thinking of The Pursuit of Happyness (Will Smith). Commence arguing over whether he is too "white"...

Larry Bird Flu said...

Swing4: I thought about that too, but it's a biopic, so it loses something in the argument there. There are a ton of black male led movies (Independence Day, any Martin Lawrence movie, Eddie Murphy movie, etc.)

Come to think of it, Boomerang, with Murphy and Robin Givens (right?) qualifies.

This is totally not the discussion Ape had in mind when he wrote that post.

swing4 said...

Hotel Rwanda just came to mind, too.

Of course, the leads HR and TPOH were portraying black characters. I'm trying to think of films where the character could have been any race, but the role went to a black person. Movies with Denzel come to mind immediately, like Man on Fire. He can open a movie on his name alone, along with Will Smith. But, yeah, there aren't too many other actors of color in Hollywood who can do that now, and even fewer women of color who can do it.

Signal to Noise said...

Herm and Dungy is a faceoff of which mustache will win: Herm's scraggly pornstache or Dungy's whup-broom.

I think I hate Peyton Manning more than I hate the Chiefs of late, and so we'll say Chiefs win, 31-27.

anon said...

What about the phenomenon of older movies remade with black stars?

Obviously I'm thinking of Eddie Murphy's Nutty Professor, but there was also Chris Rock in "Down to Earth" and Denzel in both "Man on Fire" and "The Manchurian Candidate."

And who can forget Louis Gossett, Jr.'s leading-man turn in Gus Van Sant's interracial, shot-by-shot remake of "The Jade Pussycat"?

rock_n_rye said...

Does anyone who has LJ in a keeper league remotely concerned that he has run the ball over 400 times this year?

TheBigO said...

What about Rush Hour?

Are you counting Jackie Chan as black?

The problem is that Hollywood automatically thinks that they need to throw a white guy into the movie to make it sellable. Look at Training Day, that movie didn't need a white guy in it, it's LA why not use a hispanic cat or heaven forbid, another black actor.

Take movies like Finding Forester, why does it have to be some old white dude teaching the young gifted black kid to harness his talents and hone them into a true proffesion. Why don't we see the same thing in reverse? You could make a movie w/ James Earl Jones as the old wise man and put a young white kid in it and do the same type of story. Is it fuckin offensive to white people to think you could learn a thing or two from a brotha? It doesn't happen, but apparently no one has a problem w/ movies like The Retarded (Departed) stuffed chock full of mediocre (acting skills)white guys. Or even shit like Narnia which has all the opportunity in the world to be as multicultural as possible what being a fairy tale and all, but nope, chock full of mediocre white kids.

And Swing4, yes I understand Ray had black people in it as does Dreamgirls, you could have brought up Soldier Story, Glory, etc, but as someone pointed out those are period pieces and/or biopics.

At least I hope for Hollywood to make a liitle progress and do away with shit like casting a half-pint Irish prick (Collin Farrell) to play the warrior king of Macedonia (Alexander). What's next Josh Harnett as Hannibal Barca?

And I agree Ape didn't have this type of topic in mind when he wrote this post but he's a Steelers fan, fuck 'im.

Bad Barbecue said...

yeah, UM, I know. That's public access material.

But hey, look how the comments went rolling afterward.

Its also kind of lame I'm typing this so much later than the last comment. Not a good start to the New Year.

anon said...

> You could make a movie w/ James Earl Jones as the old wise man and put a young white kid in it and do the same type of story.

You could. But Soul Man already pretty much sucked.

Otto Man said...

And who can forget Louis Gossett, Jr.'s leading-man turn in Gus Van Sant's interracial, shot-by-shot remake of "The Jade Pussycat"?

I got the new DVD version of Blazing Saddles for Christmas, and it includes the pilot episode of a TV spinoff, called "Black Bart." It starred none other than Lou Gossett, Jr. Who, believe it or not, once had hair.

No matter how bad that sounds to you, multiply its imagined awfulness by twelve and divide by Tony Danza. Painful.

Fargin Bastage said...

Larry Johnson grew up in State College PA and is the son of a Penn State football coach. Larry is whiter than Donny fucking Osmond.