You Gotta Keep Bawlmer Way Down in the Hole: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If, like myself, you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 2nd seed -- Baltimore Ravens (13-3)

This year's postseason is marked by a few boring teams: the Jets, Chiefs, Seahawks, Eagles, Saints and Chargers; a few painfully or comically flawed teams: the Giants, Bears and Colts; and even a few moderately to extremely irritating ones: the Cowboys and Patriots.

But there's one overwhelmingly contemptible in the bunch: these carrion crows of Bodymore, Murderland.

There's nothing redeeming about the city of Baltimore or its football team. Well, there have been some compelling TV crime dramas chronicling the tragic shittiness of the city. That about covers it. Okay, H.L. Mencken was pretty cool, but he's been dead for more than 50 years.

The majority of Ravens fans are from outlying white trash communities like Dundalk or Pikesville, and on game day they shutter the meth lab, don their purple camo and Unitas jerseys and pile into their souped-up Toyota Camrys and head to M&T Bank. Any permutation of "douche," "retard," common swear or homosexual slur doesn't do justice to the repugnance of Brian Billick. This team isn't full of petty thugs like the Bengals. Half the team belongs in PMITA prison.

I hate them especially this postseason for two principal reasons: forcing me to root against Steve McNair and for Peyton Manning. McNair is a perfectly decent guy who got screwed over by the Titans and the Ravens were just lucky enough to reap the benefits. As terribly as the Colts match up against Baltimore, nothing would make me to happier to view the devastation that losing to Colts in the playoffs would wreak on Ravens fans. The suicide rate in the city might actually top the homicide rate. Most likely, the Ravens will roll over Indy, boast how they pulled one out against the Chargers in the regular season, then get their asses handed to them in San Diego.

Fun fact: My favorite movie of all time is the Sum of All Fears. I know: Ben Affleck crappiness matched up with Tom Clancy retardery. But here's the kicker: Baltimore gets blown the fuck up by a nuclear bomb. I own the DVD and it's the only part I've watched since buying it. Still the greatest purchase I ever made.

Hollywood executives, if you'd like me to watch your movie, have Baltimore get destroyed by a nuclear bomb. It doesn't have to be a major plot point and you don't even have to spend the money for the special effects. Just have some character mention that it happened as an aside.

Here's a helpful example: Insert the following dialogue into an otherwise unwatchable movie, like, say, Code Name: The Cleaner.

Lucy Liu: [Lame joke about race]

Cedric the Entertainer: [Lame joke about sex]

Lucy Liu: Hey, did you hear? Baltimore was destroyed by a nuclear bomb.

CtE: Really?

LL: Yep. Wiped off the map. No survivors.

CtE: Damn. I'm gonna miss me some crab cakes.

LL: They tasted like shit anyway.

And voila. I'm shelling out $10 everytime.

Last spring, some guy wrote a bitchy column in some Baltimore newspaper complaining about all the Steelers fans in the city and ripping Pittsburgh. I wrote a lengthy reply making similar criticisms about Baltimore and assumed that would be the end of it. To the guy's credit, he wrote me back a frank and telling reply about a month later:

"Hey. Thanks for your comments. You're right. Baltimore has the most wimpiest sports fans in America, & I was born and raised here! Can you think of another city that allows fans from other teams take over their stadiums as they do here? It makes me sick that this happens. Quite frankly, why have a team here if the fans from other cities support it?

Yes, isn't it amazing that Baltimore thinks it's great to have the image of a low-class frumpy Highlandtown woman with a beehive as it's image? Speaks for itself, doesn't it? A big city with a small town mentality. Ridiculous."

Now, I'm sure in the months since he wrote this, this guy is singing a different tune, what with the Ravens sweeping my Steelers in dominating fashion. But the core message remains the same: the Ravens have fair-weather fans and the city is eminently worthy of your contempt.

Or at least mine.