Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Ask Tony Dungy!


From time to time, KSK has reeled in big-name NFL players and analysts to answer questions from fans the world over. We had Mark Schlereth, and, of course, Yukon Cornelius. Well today, we have a very special guest here with us. It's Tony Dungy, head coach of the Indianapolis Colts and a man regarded as one of the nicest people in all of football, a true gentleman of the sport. Through both personal and professional turmoil, Tony Dungy has remained a rock of poise and grace. He is unflappable. Nothing can... uh... flap him. And did it ever show in our Q&A session. Onto your questions!

Bob T., Indianapolis: Coach, I just wondering how you planned to address the run def... HOLY SHIT! WE HAVE TO PLAY AGAINST FUCKING LJ?! SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! OH MY GOD, WE'RE FUCKED!

Tony Dungy: Well, Bob, I understand your concern. But we really do think we've made some improvements. If we can just bear down and play our game, I think we should be fine.

Mary J., Indianapolis: How the fuck can you say that?! Ron Dayne just had a record day against us! My God, man! Ron Dayne only runs fast if someone's dangling a bucket of popcorn shrimp in front of him!

Tony Dungy: Again, we're not going to panic in this sort of situation.

Roy K., Indianapolis: Dude, our d-line consists of Nicole Richie, Kate Bosworth, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Keira fucking Knightley. What the fuck do we do? My God! It's Larry Johnson! He's not like Christian Okoye. He's actually fucking good! GAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Tony Dungy: Well, we get Bob Sanders back for us this week. He's been a big playmaker for us, and I expect him to give us a little bit of a boost on our run support.

Frank R., Indianapolis: Coach, I'm with you. You can't let a string of bad games get you running around like a chicken with its head cu... OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER JUST STABBED ME! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! MY DAUGHTER! MY ONLY DAUGHTER HAS BETRAYED ME AND BURIED A BUTCHER KNIFE INTO MY SIDE! I AM BLEEDING PROFUSELY! IT FEELS WARM AND GUSHY! WHY, MY CHILD?! MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD! I NEED HELP! PLEASE SOMEONE, CALL A DOCTOR!

Tony Dungy: Again, this is not a time to make rash decisions.

Shannon B., Indianapolis: Coach, my father chained my mother to a radiator and beat her death. I've moved to another county and called the police, but they seem indifferent to my situation. I think he really wants to hurt me. He said if he ever found me, he'd seal me in the drywall. What do I do?

Tony Dungy: As I said before, you have to keep a level head here. We all face adversity, but anyone can handle it with some calm and rational thinking.

Dan Q., Indianapolis: Good God man, does nothing bother you? WAKE THE FUCK UP, MAN! It's the fucking playoffs! Show some goddamn fire for once in your life, you eerily calm bastard!

Tony Dungy: I don't really think pointing fingers and looking to blame others is productive at this point.

Jimmy D., Indianapolis: HELP HELP HELP!!!! I'M ON FIRE! MY STOVE EXPLODED AND NOW MY BODY IS BURNING!!! I CAN SMELL THE SICK STENCH OF MY HAIR MELTING! AAAHHH, THE FIRE'S ON MY DICK! NOOOOOO!!! MY MANHOOD IS TURNING TO ASH BEFORE MY VERY EYES! I CAN SEE THE FLESH PEELING OFF IN LONG, CURLING RIBBONS! DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME!!!! CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT! THE NUMBER IS 407-785-9054! HURRY! SOMEONE!

Tony Dungy: Well, let's not jump to conclusions here. I think you want to gather yourself before you go ahead and do something you regret.

Gary S., Indianapolis: I have your wife. I want a car and six million dollars in unmarked Barra Bonds. Do not call the police or your wife will die. You have my instructions.

Tony Dungy: Let's all just stop and take a breather for a moment. That way we can find a way to improve things.

Julie O., Indianapolis: Uh, Coach, you have a very small mustard stain on your shirt.

Tony Dungy: I do? Really? Oh man, I just bought this shirt. Motherfu...

19 comments:

OkieRover said...

Roy K., Indianapolis: Dude, our d-line consists of Nicole Richie, Kate Bosworth, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Keira fucking Knightley. What the fuck do we do? My God! It's Larry Johnson! He's not like Christian Okoye. He's actually fucking good! GAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

COMEDY GOLD.
My face hurts from laughing.

Ayman said...

Colts lose

ugmolicious said...

Does Barra Bonds play DT? Is his mellon as large as the gapping holes in Indy's defense? Sounds like Dungy should sign him up.

It's "bearer bonds," you fucktard.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I bet you Dungy says muthafucka in a way that rivals some of the best in the business.

(and who are you getting revenge on in Florida Drew?)

Grimey said...

To call the number or to not call the number... dammit....

Jackin'4Beats said...

Back to work and laughing out loud once again.

The Colts D line is just as weak as Britney Spears on New Years Eve.

Maybe Bob can help a little, but LJ might end up with 300 yards rushing by himself.

8hrdrive said...

Wow, 407-785-9054 is completely ambiguous to Yahoo and Google. The odds of that are mindblowing.
About as mindblowing as a Chiefs' victory would be. I think all this talk about LJ vs. Colts'D is a jinx. We're doomed...
KC will find a way to fuck this up.

Unsilent Majority said...

407 is orlando...try to stay on topic

Captain Caveman said...

http://www.barra.com/Products/Credit.aspx

I'm sure that's what Drew meant.

bleedjetgreen said...

The thing that blows my mind is that Tony Dungy was hired to fix the D and it SUX. It reminds me of that asswipe Brian Billick ... he was supposed to be some offensive mastermind when he came to the Ravens, yet the offense has been horrible and has been getting bailed out by the D for years.

Why do sportwriters not call these guys out on this?

Finally, condolences to the Lions on the extension for Millen. As a Knicks fan, I feel your pain...

Otto Man said...

KC will find a way to fuck this up.

Yeah, that's my fear. I've suffered long enough as a Chiefs fan, and I'm positive something's going to go horribly, horribly wrong here. Dave Kreig wrong.

Unsilent Majority said...

Why do sportwriters not call these guys out on this?

TK and Wilbon rode Billick for years for this very reason.

Palm Dry Gum On said...

Screw Dungy, the blame for the defense all lies with Corey Simon and D Freeney. That fat bastard Simon was magnificent for us in 2005, until he got injured and consequently our defense went in the can against the Stillers. And Freeney pushes too far upfield, leaving our crappy LB's to try and stop RB's...only they can't.

Then the fat piece of lard shows up overweight and out of shape to training camp, has an "undisclosed" illness and will probably retire next season because he doesn't want to play football.

I'm just hoping the Redskins and their genius front office folks would do a trade and give us back Marcus Washington and Joe Salave'a for Freeney.

dwyguy said...

Why does Jimmy D., of Indy, give a Florida number for the fire department? He must not want to be saved that badly, and is probably exaggerating his situation.

-Tony Dungy

The Last Unitard said...

But who will wipe away the Nigerian Nightmare's tears? That's what I want to know.

You're a cold hearted fuck, Drew.

J.L. White said...

What do you want, Drew, that Tony Dungy exhibit intense emotions over the utter collapse of his defense? To do that would be a huge mistake, because if Dungy were to loose his cool during a playoff game, then Peyton Manning's play may become erratic. Heaven forbid that Manning should perform below his abilities in a playoff game.

Stay the course, that's what I say.

Drizztdj said...

Same tone he used to brush off the Gopher's recent coaching job offer.

Unsilent Majority said...

palm, you should have kept marcus when you had him. he'll be in washington until he's too old to live up to his contract like stephen davis (of course davis still had productive years, but the skins would have had to pay him $10 mil that year).

I just hope our retarded front office doesn't go after freeney.

Palm Dry Gum On said...

UM, you're absolutely right about Washington. The same could be said about Peterson down in Jax - let him go too.

Polian and Dungy think they can plug in players at the LB position - which is why we get stuck with duds such as Gardner and 'hands only tackler' Brackett.

I'm counting on the Redskins to come after Freeney and give us some picks, talent, whatever.

And sorry UM, but the idiocy of the Redskins front office (especially in the preseason) is the gift that keeps on giving for the non-Redskins fans living in the DC area.