Thursday, July 20, 2006

Ask Mark Schlereth!

We avoid going into in-depth analysis of the NFL here. And that's as it should be. The only people truly qualified to comment on the NFL are former NFL players. They're the only ones who can give you complex opinions like, "Philip Rivers is the man now in San Diego," or, "In the NFL, you have to make that catch." You see how densely layered those statements are? Only a former NFL player could conceive of something like that. And only a former NFL player would have the guts to make such bold proclamations. Those are hardcore football opinions! Stay the fuck away if you can't handle them! Only Mankind shares this kind of testicular fortitude!

In fact, NFL players are the only people qualified to even watch the NFL. Did you play in the NFL? Okay, well then you can't possibly begin to understand what this game is all about. You little shit. You have no business watching it. Turn it off. This league belongs to the players, not to some two-bit civilian from the Male 18-49 demographic who has a great deal of disposable income to spend on malt beverages, automobiles, and financial planning services! You don't get the NFL, you commoner! In fact, you're not even allowed to think about it! So there! Run home and suck on your mommy's teat!

That's why we've asked a handful of your favorite NFL players turned studio analysts to come in and enlighten peasants like you about all matters pertaining to the National Football League. Today, we welcome in former Bronco, former Redskin, "NFL Live" co-host, and occasional "Mike & Mike" third wheel Mark Schlereth to take your questions.


Schlereth: Doy-uh, hello everybody! Doy-uh, my name is Mark Schlereth! Doy-uh, in my playing days they called me Stinky because I would play and then pee in my pants and it would stink and that is why they called me Stinky and that is so funny!

Frank, New York: Mark, do you think Eli Manning will duplicate the success he had in the first half of last season, or will he continue to regress?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Eli Manning has to step it up this year!

Bill, Seattle: Mark, how will the loss of Steve Hutchinson and a fat new contract affect Shaun Alexander this year? Will he get complacent?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, all I know is that Shaun is the M-V-P! nobody can take that away from him unless they were to break into his house and steal it and then I guess they would be taking it away from him!

Jenny, Green Bay: Mark, if Brett Favre struggles again this year, do you think the Packers will finally replace him with Aaron Rodgers?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Brett Favre is a legend! I know that many people say that Brett Favre is not a legend but if you look up "legend" in the big book of words it says a legend is "an inscription or a title on an object, such as a coin" and that to me is what Brett Favre is all about!

Mike, Pittsburgh: Mark, is Hines Ward a Top-10 fantasy receiver this year? I worry about age hindering his production.
Schlereth: Doy-uh, you better look out around Hines Ward because he will hit you in the mouth! although technically he cannot hit people in the mouth because they are wearing facemasks and so getting to the mouth can be tricky! but in the NFL we say guys will hit you in the mouth and even though it is not true and even if you could hit a guy in the mouth you would probably be penalized and bragging about hitting a guy in the mouth is even strangely gay! but he will hit you in that mouth and that's a "Coors Light Cold Hard Fact!" do you drink that stuff because I do sometimes and it makes me feel kind of silly and sometimes I end up strangling my dog!

Jason, KC: Mark, is there enough left in Trent Green's tank to take the pressure off of LJ in the backfield?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, I know Trent Green personally and not only is he a good QB but he is also a great husband and father and one time we went to the golf course with his friend Benji Compson and we hit little!

Ernie, Pittsburgh: Mark, with the Bus retired, will Fast Willie Parker and Duce Staley be good enough to keep the Steelers running game strong?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, you can say what you would like about Willie Parker but I will tell you one thing he is FAST! and in this league speed kills but not like real killing where a dagger stabs your brain open but I mean killing on the football field which means speed helps you beat the other team and makes them sad!

Jimmy, Oakland: Mark, the Raiders made an awful lot of changes in the offseason, and not many of them good. Does this team have any bright spots?
Schlereth: Doy-uh, Warren Sapp plays for the Raiders and I have heard of him! I have heard of him! he plays defense and when you play defense you must stop the run well you do not have to stop the run but it is better if you do because them teams cannot run and then they have to pass more but if they are good at passing then I can see them being very happy!

Mike, Washington: Mark, don't you find it odd that only NFL players and coaches are allowed to be TV analysts when the league's best coach didn't even play in the NFL himself? Shouldn't your credentials as a broadcaster be paramount above all else? Isn't it sort a joke that guys like you purport to be real NFL experts when you can't even really criticize players for fear that they'll get mad at you and that, in some twisted way, you'll be bruising your own ego?
Schlereth: Uh... uh... Doy-uh, did anyone see a little rabbit run by here? Doy-uh, which way did he go? Which way did he go?

Bugs, Albakoykee: He went thattaway.


Schlereth: Doy-uh, Gee! Thanks mister! Thanks a lot! Thanks a lot!

Bill, Memphis: Mark, is Eddie George a Hall of Famer?
Schlereth: Oh, I love him! I will hug him and squeeze him and call him George!

Tom, Minneapolis: Mark, will new Vikings coach Brad Childress employ a pass-first offense like his old boss, or do you think he's more willing to go to a ground-oriented attack?
Schlereth: Dah... I'm gonna have possum for dinner! I'm gonna have possum for dinner!

28 comments:

Beban said...

See, when you play football in the National Football league, and you're a football player, and you make the football plays that mark a great football player, you just do the things that make football great. It's all about football, and execution. If you execute, you're a football player. Plus, Huckleberry Hound rocks...Execution-wise.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but this one just wasn't very funny. Good effort, though. Way go give 110%!

A.R.P. said...

The line "sometimes I end up strangling my dog!" almost made me take a dump on my desk. Brilliant execution.
As far as the great ones go... the more recent musings and ruminations of Chris "LobsterClaw" Collinsworth suit my inner-clime, too bad he had to die.

steve said...

This is why I am so excited about TK doing MNF. I believe he is planning a much needed piss on the jockocracy.

becky said...

this exemplifies perfectly why some sundays I wish I were a better law student and in the library studying instead, or a better girl and out shopping instead.
by the way, since I have no deadspin commenting capabilities, I would just like to state for the record in this forum that I blame you degenerates for the unholy amount of chipotle I consumed last night.
and for the record, on free burrito night this year, my friend ate 3 in one sitting.

Captain Caveman said...

and for the record, on free burrito night this year, my friend ate 3 in one sitting.

"'Tis no man... 'Tis an eating machine!"

swing4 said...

"since I have no deadspin commenting capabilities, I would just like to state for the record in this forum that I blame you degenerates for the unholy amount of chipotle I consumed last night..."

I'm gonna jump on this bandwagon and mention that a) whoever mentioned the original Roberto's on Torry Pines Road had me jonesing for a carne asada burrito like you would not believe, and b) I second the Fat Slice comment (Blondie's blows).

Now back to your regularly scheduled program....

Unsilent Majority said...

good lord, it's only a matter of time before the Deadspin/KSK Diet Plan

Chillonamill said...

I'm having Chipotle for lunch....which means I will be spending the afternoon in my corner office(the handicap stall)

uncskins28 said...

This is the hangout for those without deadspin commenting...so I'll join in.

I read that entire thread waiting for someone to mention Carrburritos in Chapel Hill, and finally one beautiful person did. I have eaten burritos all over this glorious country, and the best one I've had is still in Carrborro, NC.

Dweeze said...

Wait. If we have Deadspin privileges, we can't comment here?

Anonymous said...

over at joesportsfan, they had an excellent feature on Schlerethese. I will check the archives for it.

a_slim

Spectacular Sam said...

Drew that was fucking awesome.

And also, I am eating a burrito. It's 9:51 AM central time.

A.R.P. said...

Los Comales, Austin, Tejas: it's called the Freddy Burrito, I don't know why, and it's covered in cheese, filled with grilled meats, served with rice and beans all for 4.95. You can also get a bottle of Modelo for $2 and budweiser for $1.75. True.

Spectacular Sam said...

"This is the hangout for those without deadspin commenting...so I'll join in."

WTF?

Anyway, damn, that burrito was good.

I used to love Hockey said...

first of all, you haven't lived until you've gotten in the photo for waiting in line at Chipotle, then saying fuck this and leaving.
Secondly, over / under on TK being ousted from the crew for completely bashign everything ESPN stands for? 12 weeks

A.R.P. said...

Why don't they just bring Dennis Miller back? Bah-bah-babe? How I miss the goateed Greek allusion machine!

What are they going to do with Theeesman's corpse in the booth anyway? He's so brutal he makes me want to eat a bucket of curdled piss.

A.R.P. said...

How long was Rush on ESPN?

uncskins28 said...

I think Rush lasted about 3 weeks on ESPN

Unsilent Majority said...

mark picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue

bigtdog said...

Doy-uh, Amazing that Burrito-fest 2006 jumped from Deadspin here...

Doy-uh, the Mark Schlereth interview just knocked 10 points off my IQ.

PS: El Abajeno, Culver City, CA ...try the carnitas.

Andrew said...

Does anyone else find Mark Schlereth's website pretty creepy?

What with the giant 69s, the poorly written About Me section written by his teenage children, and the various flash images of him in suits or squatting when you click on just about anything?

Mike said...

Mark Schlereth has a website? And someone cared enough to look at it? I'm floored ...

Anonymous said...

You are not funny. I did not laugh or even smile once. I'm glad I got to read this rather than hear it from you because at least this way I don't have to make the choice whether I want to force out a fake laugh just to make things less awkward or to embrace the awkwardness and let you make your disastrous attempt at humor without giving you a sympathy laugh.

Unsilent Majority said...

anon posters who show up just to tell people how unfunny they find them remind me of a phone conversation between Margot and Eli Cash in The Royal Tenenbaums.


"Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's not a genius? Do you especially think I'm not a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?"

do you feel that the post was written in an outdated vernacular?

CU Buffs said...

Excellent work BD Drew, even though i'm one of the few donkey's fans here, Schlereth sucks.

PostmanE said...

The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

I'll take Schlereth over Michael Irvin any day.