Friday, July 7, 2006

Waving Goodbye for the Weekend

We understand how hard it is for the readers of Kissing Suzy Kolber to go an entire weekend without little morsels of NFL-related humor. So we've decided that our final act every Friday afternoon will be to post a photo of an NFL cheerleader (or cheerleaders). We think it's a nice little way to say, "See you Monday."

But before we get to Friday's girls, please appreciate how hard it is to select a single photo. Assuming there are approximately 30 cheerleaders per NFL squad, that's about 900 women I would consent to have sex with right there. Figure in some turnover every year and we're into the thousands. Then realize that these women get photographed in skimpy clothes all the time, and suddenly I'm forced to sift through tens of thousands of cheerleader pictures.

Sounds great, right? Try doing it at an office job, with a co-worker sitting in easy sight range of your monitor. Anyway, I tried to limit the search by only looking at girls whose names end in "i" or "a" but that didn't cut the results down at all.

So, for the initial installment, I felt it only appropriate to go with the Cowboys cheerleaders (who, by the way, don't even feature a gallery section on their official website -- WTF?). Now, I take serious offense to the Cowboys being called America's Team, but it's hard to argue that the Cowgirls aren't America's Cheerleaders. Like, any squad can give us hot pants and huge valleys of cleavage, but tassels and white cowboy boots? Lightning in a bottle, my friends.

Photo: Darren Carroll/SI

(Oh, and if anybody makes the claim that cheerleaders aren't funny and thus don't belong on KSK, watch out. That kind of thinking is downright un-American. Trust me on this one. I mean, you try to come off as "sensitive" and impress some girls by saying that today's cheerleading outfits are too revealing, and next thing you know Navy SEALs snatch you up and send you to Gitmo. I mean, sheesh, did you have to be so thorough with the cavity search? Can you take this burlap bag off my head? And couldn't this have waited until after the playoffs?)

Update: As some intrepid commenters have noted, Gregg Easterbrook, who writes an allegedly popular NFL column called Tuesday Morning Quarterback, regularly includes photos of cheerleaders in his columns. For the record, when the KSK staff discussed the inclusion of this feature, none of us thought of Easterbrook's habit. But hey, excellent detective work, TMQ readers. Men like cheerleaders. Now you can go back to your groundbreaking work on particle physics.


Tom said...

Captain Caveman, you risked your professional neck just so we, your loyal readers, could have pictures of attractive women? God bless you.

TheStarterWife said...

Trying to put Gregg Easterbrook out a job?

Unsilent Majority said...

greg easterbrook was already released from espn once for saying naughty things about the chosen people. i racked my brain trying to figure out why espn brought him back...oh yeah, they fired eisner...

where art thou george solomon?

Kodijack said...

I hope that this was a trial run. I hope that those are not the Cowboys' most attractive cheerleaders, otherwise they are screwed from the beginning.

And I think that you could have taken a page from Easterbrook and not gone with the Cowboy's cheerleaders. If memory serves me correctly I do not think that a Cowboy cheerleader has ever been featured by Mr. Verbose.

Captain Caveman said...

Kodijack -- I've never read an Easterbrook column, so you're talking way over my head.

And I love it when people who read sports blogs claim that hardbodied NFL cheerleaders aren't attractive.

In conclusion, Kodijack hates freedom.

TheStarterWife said...

What? You've never read the Tuesday Morning Quarterback column? EVER?!?!?

I find that hard to believe.

Monday Morning Punter said...

I never read TMQ.

Captain Caveman said...

Starter Wife: For serious, I've NEVER read Easterbrook. Although to answer your original question, I guess you could say yes, we are trying to put him out of a job.

Unsilent Majority said...

i read the original column a few times, although parts were skimmed over. i have never been a fan of easterbrooks writing or humor (wow, ironic nicknames for each team!). his affinity for cheerleaders is hardly original, there's a reason every team in the league trots out their finest stable each week.

On a sidenote, I'd like to thank my bff Danny Snyder. His first official act upon taking over was to improve the quality of our off-field talent.

to wrap it up, not everybody scours page 2 every day.

TheStarterWife said...

Well I guess I stand corrected. My apologies.

To be honest, my original question was meant to be tongue in check as I saw the cheerleader post as homage to the TMQ's regular "cheer-babe" feature. I have no issues with anyone liking cheerleaders anywhere. (Except for when the North Stars had cheerleaders in the stands. Lame.)

I cannot lie; I love Easterbrook's column. At the risk of showing my age, I've been following his football coverage since he was on Slate, over to ESPN, to, and now back to ESPN. I look forward to his article every week during the season. (Which would partially explain why I am interested in this blog. Comedy and football seven days a week, what more could a gal want?) Stats you don't hear anywhere else. Reader football haikus. Angering the football gods for not "going for it" on fourth and short when the game is on the line. Love it all.

For the record though, since the TMQ's departure a few years ago, I think I could count the number of times I'd read Page 2 on one hand. Hell, I barely go to

Superfan54 said...

In terms of column length, Easterbrook makes Bill Simmons' work look like an easy 5 minute read. I mean I can print out Simmons and take it to the bathroom to read over a dump. If I do that with TMQ, my legs go numb before I reach the halfway point of the column. Not good times.

Koos said...

TMQ used to be funny (say, in 2002), but now it sucks* and that's sad. Here's hoping KSK takes at least as long to turn preachy, moronic and long-winded!

{ k }

*Actually, it's just the same four columns recycled week after week after week, so, to be fair, TMQ doesn't suck any more or less now than it did back when I first started reading it, it's just that I've read all of the words already. For real humor (with fewer repeats!) from the Easterbrook family I highly recommend you sit in on his brother's open court sessions. You have to, you know, be into the law and whatnot, but he's got a sense of humor for a judge. It's niiiice.