Thursday, July 27, 2006

Hallelujah! Training Camp Has Arrived!

Ah, NFL training camp. That time of the year when football fans of all 31 pro teams and the Texans wear their brightest hopes with pride. The time of the year when sportswriters write brightly about fans having hope (they also write insanely about the Lions having a chance or Joey Harrington winning the starting job). The time of the year when football players die from heat stroke.

At last.

So... yeah, if you're reading an NFL blog in July, you probably already know that training camps opened this week. Let me say that again in the correct manner: MOTHAFUCKAS, TRAINING CAMP IS HERE!!! YEEEAGH! It's time for you bitches to get excited already.

This isn't just another football season; this is the first-ever football season covered by Kissing Suzy Kolber, which makes it pretty much the most important season ever. But we can't do it without you, our loyal, fervent, gorgeous readers (when Drew called you all "mongoloids" he was totally kidding, I swear). We need your ideas, we need your tips, we need your videos and photos. OF NFL-RELATED THINGS, I might add. (Yes, Lindsay Lohan, I'm talking to you. Stop sending me that filth.)

Is that not specific enough? Do we have to spell things out for you? All right, fine. Here are just some of the things that we're looking to get from readers this season.

- Photographs of NFL players out interacting with their communities. You know, like helping kids to read and rescuing kittens from trees. Some real United Way shit. Wink, wink.

- Compromising information or visual evidence about a certain field hockey-playing Colgate sophomore whose father may or may not write for a prominent sports magazine about coffee, airline travel, "House M.D.," and the proper way to fellate washed-up quarterbacks from Louisiana. I feel pretty fucking dirty for asking for this, but I know some of you out there are on Facebook. Think of yourselves as Dr. Richard Kimble, and pretend Mary Beth King is the one-armed man. You find that man!


- Paul "Dr. Z" Zimmerman's tax return that proves he wrote off $10,000 of red wine. Or maybe a picture of him chasing those damn kids off his lawn.

- Any photo in which John Clayton wears a pocket protector, or is getting harassed by a group of teens, or has a full head of hair.

- Video footage of NFL fans being assholes at tailgates outside the stadium.

- The YouTube link in which Gregg Easterbrook goose-steps around wearing jackboots and a swastika armband. Or at the very least, a Photoshopped cover of The New Republic that reads, "Jews worship money, not God."

What else could we possibly want? Hell, we don't know. We rely on you voyeurs to direct us to the finest ephemera in professional football; you are limited only by your sick imaginations. So go ahead and send us your NFL jetsam -- while you go out for drinks with the Swedish Bikini Team, we'll sit in front of our computers, sifting through the emails in order to post the most lurid material and make inappropriate jokes about it.

Put your ears to the ground, keep your cameras trained on the action, and spread the word, spread the word, spread the word: KSK wants your dirt.

Update: Wow, ask and you shall receive. Commenter B. Michael Payne has come through admirably. We'd like to add, Mike, that we also want a pony.

17 comments:

bigtdog said...

That is a dizzyingly thin line you tread by using jetsam and not flotsam.

Captain Caveman said...

BigT -- If you send it to us, it's jetsam. If we find it on our own, it's flotsam.

Captain Fob said...

Mary Beth King's Facebook photo (I can only see the thumbnail since I don't go to Colgate) has 4 random girls on it...not sure which one is her.

bigtdog said...

But you asked us to send what happened to float by us.

Flotsam would imply that we're better off for sending it off. Which we arguably are.

It's dizzying I tell ya.

Unsilent Majority said...

can colgate alumni get access to her facebook page?
if so, we may be in luck.

A.R.P. said...

I may have a tube of Colgate by my desk... nope. Aquafresh. Sorry.

uncskins28 said...

My Father won the Sirius NFL Contest giving us 2 tickets to 16 different games this year, any game we want, so I'll be happy to post anything I can from the games.

First up: Minnesota at Washington, September 11th. AKA "The beginning of Washington's March to the Super Bowl"

And yes, I'm insanely excited, and bragging just a tiny bit.

B. Michael Payne said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
B. Michael Payne said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chillonamill said...

Her mother should've swallowed her

A.R.P. said...

Is her mom ALF?

Blue Fish, Red Pond said...

And Cleveland's season is over. Bentley goes down. That was quick.

Unsilent Majority said...

bentleys are always in the shop, they should have bought a maybach

A.R.P. said...

John Clayton looks like a fetus. But for a fetus he sure can stick it to Shaun Salisburysteak like no other. The fetus has got that bitch on lockdown, it's the best thing on ESPN.

Shoopmonster said...

It might just be me but in the first picture that b. michael payne posted looks interesting. At my first glance, she appeared to have a Floyd Landis-esque mustache, but with none of the allegations.

Son of Brasky said...

This site is slowly turning into a stalker support group.

Anonymous said...

The season is cancelled. All the players joined the Army, Navy, Air
Force, and Marines and are on their way to the middle east to capture Osama bin Laden. What Iraq and Baghdad and all the Arabs need is to establish a few football teams and build some new stadiums for them to play in.