Five Fast Facts about the Bears:
-Due to their senior status in the NFL, the league allows the Bears one inexplicable 11+ win season every four years before going back to being fucking terrible.
-Coach Lovie Smith and Kentucky men's head basketball coach Tubby Smith share a great grandmother named Shamalamadingdong Smith, who gave all 138 of her direct descendants ludicrous nicknames like Lovie, Tubby, Poopy, Bleedy, and Stick.
-3rd string QB Kyle Orton is the only man ever to have a Michelob Ultra and mildly enjoy it.
-Center Olin Kreutz is better known as the second half of a "Wheel of Fortune" before-and-after puzzle with "Alias" star and exotic temptress Lena Olin.
-The Bears use a Cover-2 defense. Unless they're playing against Steve Smith, in which case they employ a Cover-0.
(It should be noted here that Steve Smith doing the Super Mario on the Bears' goalpost during the playoff game last year was the single coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in an NFL game. Too bad he did with 2:07 left on the clock. Doing it with 2:06 left would have gotten him six extra fireworks.)
10 Yards of Awkwardness with: Brian Griese
As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with a player from each team. For the Bears, it's 2nd string QB and failed Elway heir Brian Griese.
Big Daddy Drew: Brian, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.
Brian Griese: No problem.
Drew: My buddy banged your ex-girlfriend. Were you aware of that?
Drew: Apparently, she was a cheerleader at Florida State. My friend said that, for a Jewish guy like him, nailing an FSU cheerleader was a triumph on par with Arafat's death. Would you agree with that statement?
Drew: The Bears had an outstanding regular season last year but lost their first playoff game to Carolina. How much blame do you personally take for that loss?
Griese: I played in Tampa last year.
Drew: So you acknowledge that you weren't there for your team?
Griese: They weren't my team.
Drew: I see this is a touchy subject, so I'll move on. You played with Chris Simms. Is it true that when Chris Simms was a child, he made his dad hire a black man to be his toy for a week?
Drew: They made a movie of it, you know. Starring Richard Pryor. Remember that?
Griese: That wasn't Chris.
Drew: Brian Urlacher, your new teammate, dated Paris Hilton. You've seen Brian's penis in the shower. Just how ravaged is it?
Griese: I have not seen Brian's penis.
Drew: I mean, is half of it gone? Are there lesions of any kind?
Griese: I have not seen his penis.
Drew: Fans around Chicago were ecstatic when Rex Grossman finally returned from injury late last year. Do you hope Kyle Orton somehow starts a lot of games next year so that expectations plummet and people will go wild for a similarly average QB such as yourself?
Griese: I'm here to back up Rex and be ready to play at any moment.
Drew: The Bears are nicknamed the "Monsters of the Midway". Does that mean this team is at its best during halftime?
Griese: I don't think so.
Drew: The Bears signed CB Ricky Manning in the offseason. Do you own a computer?
Drew: Okay, well look out for that. Ricky don't like dem folks what have fancy gadgets and what not.
Drew: Your father, Bob Griese, played for '72 Dolphins, who went undefeated. You played for the '97 Michigan team that went undefeated. What's it like to be one of those insufferable pricks who has everything go their way?
Griese: It's all right, I guess.
Drew: Dick Jauron: worst coach, or worstest coach?
Griese: I never played for Dick.
Drew: But you did play for Jon Gruden. Were you aware that Jon Gruden gets up at, like, 3AM every day? Doesn't that make him a better coach than Bill Belichick, who gets up at 3:12AM like a little pussy?
Griese: I guess.
Drew: Thomas Jones plays for your team. Are you aware that Thomas Jones has repeatedly fucked me sideways in fantasy football year after year after year?
Drew: Well, he did. He's a fucker. The next Priest Holmes, my ass.
Griese: I think Tom is great.
Drew: You lost cornerback Jerry Azumah in the offseason. When you lose a player that mediocre, how does the team adjust?
Drew: That's perfect. You're a mildly attractive man and I'm fairly drunk. May I kiss you?
Drew: You have a very kissable mouth, and a strong chin. I like men with a strong chin.
Griese: Stay away from me.
Drew: Brian, thanks a lot for putting down the clipboard and talking to us today.
Griese: You're welcome.
NOTE: In response to Son of Brasky's comment: I'll be previewing the entire NFC North, plus the Giants and Eagles. And yes, the Vikings are my favorite team. But they are, just as often, my least favorite team as well. So expect no Simmons-on-Schilling fellatio of any kind.