Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Hey, 6-10 Was Good Enough for Second in the NFC West

Welcome to another installment of Better Know a Football Team. Today: the St. Louis Rams

2005 recap: 6-10, HIGH-larious. Ah, 2005, the swan song for Mike Martz as a head coach. For anyone who’s forgotten, Martz had to go on medical leave last year due to having a baboon’s heart. He was replaced by his assistant Joe Vitt, who was the only person on an NFL coaching staff who looked like less of a coach than Martz. While Martz recovered in San Diego, he tried to phone in a few plays during a game, to which team president Jay Zygmunt vehemently objected. For, you know, the good of Martz's health, I'm sure. Eventually Martz got better and he was all, “Okay, I’m ready to coach again,” and the team was like, “Why don’t you just take it easy there for a while, Champ?”

Also to be cherished from the Rams’ 2005 season was the performance of rookie third-string quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. Remember him? He came in for an injured Rams starter – whatshisface, you know, the guy whose name sounds like a NASCAR driver’s? – who was starting in place of injured starter Marc Bulger. Fitzpatrick, a mid-game replacement, threw for 300 yards and the winning TD in overtime to lead a thrilling comeback against the mighty Houston Texans. For the next week, NFL talking heads crowded around Fitzpatrick on their knees, mouths agape like a baby bird’s. Ryan Fitzpatrick graduated from Harvard! He proposed to his girlfriend at McDonald’s! And he went to Harvard! And he likes McDonald’s! Mercifully, Fitzpatrick fired a stream of liquid diarrhea all over the bed that ESPN and FOX had so nicely made for him, throwing just one touchdown and seven interceptions in his next three starts before returning to his rightful place on the bench, where he was free to daydream about rowing on the Charles and discussing Kierkegaard with that Asian girl who dropped out of pre-med.

Potential for comedy in 2006:
Declining, but still good. The loss of Mike Martz (to the Lions, who are now the comedically deepest team in the league) was a huge blow to anyone who liked laughing at the Rams. New coach Scott Linehan may turn out to be competent, and new defensive coordinator Jim Haslett -- very funny as a head coach -- might actually turn around a defense that was almost as sturdy as Marshall Faulk's knee.

Like Faulk, The Greatest Show on Turf has gone the way of vaudeville. With Isaac Bruce now collecting Social Security checks and an entire generation of quarterbacks left lame and brittle by Mike Martz's offensive "genius," the new Rams offense is getting re-built around running back Steven Jackson. In fact, the Rams used two of their first three picks in the draft on tight ends, which should open some holes for Jackson the same way fullback Madison Hedgecock (pictured above) did in 2005.

Ha, Madison Hedgecock. That's just his "Ram" name. Anybody can get a Ram name. You just take the last stripper you got a lap dance from, and pair her name with a male porn star's last name. What, you think tight end Dominique Byrd was born with that name? Anyway, when the Rams announce that their starting offensive line will be Houston Strongbone, Aspen Mandingo, Montana Longblast, Dakota Bonecock, and Vagina Cumshooter... well, just remember you heard it here first.

What to expect in 2006: Hedgecock will get into a locker room fight with center Richie Incognito over who has the faker-sounding name. Pisa Tinoisamoa and Oshiomogho Atogwe will have to intervene.

24 comments:

D-Rock said...

Freakin brilliant as always. You guys rock

Unsilent Majority said...

yeah right...like an asian girl would really drop out

CliffX from not Deadspin said...

Asians can't read. Okay, actually they can read a lot. Almost too well.

Which reminds me, yesterday at Starbucks we had a young Asian American man come in looking at the menu unsure of what to get. His hair was frazzled and he had one of those Urkel-like straps for his glasses, amazingly enough. One of the baristas asks, "Can I help you?"...and the guy replies to her in RUSSIAN. Then he speaks perfect English. Asking a water for him, I notice he's got a shirt on advertising the Wexner Center Auditorium at Ohio State, and I ask if he's a student there. He replies, "I wake up, brush my teeth, study string theory, wash dishes, and sleep."

This guy was the opposite of Mike Cooper. I couldn't tell if he was brilliant or insane. Prolly both?

Captain Caveman said...

"I wake up, brush my teeth, study string theory, wash dishes, and sleep."

Hey, that's just like me! Except replace "string theory" with "breasts" and "wash dishes" with "masturbate."

WeJamEcono said...

Try getting a gig teaching ESL at the college level. Lots of young Asian Girls trying to keep up. Extra study time....

WeJamEcono said...

One needs to be a little whacked to study string theory. He should get out and practice...by tying up coeds of course.

Unsilent Majority said...

is richie related go guy incognito?
http://img7.exs.cx/img7/3786/incognito1du.jpg

albaNY Hawker said...

Thanks for dropping the breadcrumbs over at the Street which I followed to this outstanding article!

Nicely done. Can't wait for the Arizona Cardinal preview.

Captain Caveman said...

Alba -- The Cardinals already got theirs. You can read it here

dp said...

Another funny thing about the Rams: the Niners swept them last year.

J.E. Skeets said...

And another funny thing about the Rams: they're the Rams.

Koos said...

Captain,

At least you brush your teeth.

{ k }

Engineer Sighted said...

CC-
I don't know if your typo policy applies to KSK as well, but you had a glaring one towards the end:

well, just remember you heard it hear first.

Also, that was the most vivid imagery for shitting the bed I have ever read.

I Used to love hockey said...

Thanks a lot, I just cracked up at work reading the list of names, because clearly I'm as mature now as I was back when I was 14. Well done.

Captain Caveman said...

ES -- Thanks, it's been corrected. The persons responsible for that typo have been shot.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

For a second, I thought your Asian American friend was on an OSU Football scholarship with that class schedule, but then I remembered that "Wash Dishes" is a 500 level class.

Oh, and I guess to stay on topic, the Rams blow. But their QB did go to Harvard. You're with me, Ivy League elitist clipboard holder.

Son of Brasky said...

You know, Jerome Bettis was a Ram once. But that was back in the day, before he was from Detroit.

swing4 said...

Football, existentialism, and brilliant humor all at once?!?! I think I'm in love.

Mike said...

As usual, another great post by CC.

A.R.P. said...

Epic exposition Caveman! I can't wait for the T.O. show to implode the Dallas team and Bill Par-sellz's self esteem. They really need more coke and hookers in the big-D.

A.R.P. said...

It's true, I do have comment dyslexia and it is also true that I am an ass. RESPEK!

Phantasia Hardcastle said...

I tried to masturbate to Suzy Kolber once when she first appeared on Sportscenter. It didn't work.

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

If Richie Incognito snaps the ball, does it make a sound?

Anonymous said...

What to expect in 2006: Hedgecock will get into a locker room fight with center Richie Incognito over who has the faker-sounding name. Pisa Tinoisamoa and Oshiomogho Atogwe will have to intervene.

hahaha, pure genius. i love you