Steroids. DUI. Add drug suspension to the list. All from a punter?
Is anyone surprised that Todd Sauerbrun failed a drug test? It almost makes one long for "the good ol' days" when all the Ps and Ks were World Cup refugees and none of them spoke English. He already had a DUI and had been linked to steroids. Awesome! If he commits a sexual assault before he retires, he's a lock for Canton.
The surprise (I guess) is that the test was positive for Ephedra, the drug Korey Stringer was taking in 2001 to lose weight. How'd that turn out? Well, he died, so I'd go with "not so well."
So the No Fat League can suspend a player on the first test if it shows up. Sauerbrun is appealing the suspension, so everyone's taking their shots now, in case it doesn't stick. Consider this recent bit from legendary, hall-of-fame comedian extraodinaire, Bruce Bruce:
"Todd Sauerbrun's so fat the Broncos jog around him for conditioning. Todd Sauerbrun's so fat he once laid on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push him back in the ocean. Todd Sauerbrun's so fat he put on some BVD's and by the time they reached his waist they spelled out 'Boulevard.' Todd Sauerbrun's so fat when he tripped over the 50-yard line he landed in the end zone. He's so fat he once fell in love and broke it!"
Does it really matter if you have a fat punter? As long as his foot doesn't swell out of his black shoe, fuck it. Where's the problem? Is he bullying Jason Elam out of his per diem money? Was Shanahan buying him cocktail dresses that didn't fit? Is Ron Dayne complaining about pasty-white love handles in the shower?
Some reports say the Broncoss are considering cutting him. Bullshit. He's been in the league 11 years. He hits it for 44 yards a pop. He was a Player of the Week last season (seriously). He's popular with his team. Did we mention the steroids and the DUI conviction?
Sources close to KSK reveal that Sauerbrun is now trying other, more traditional weight-loss methods, including:
Cocaine. Let's hope this gets under control before anything drastic happens.