Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Obese Punter Terrorizes Denver

Steroids. DUI. Add drug suspension to the list. All from a punter?

Is anyone surprised that Todd Sauerbrun failed a drug test? It almost makes one long for "the good ol' days" when all the Ps and Ks were World Cup refugees and none of them spoke English. He already had a DUI and had been linked to steroids. Awesome! If he commits a sexual assault before he retires, he's a lock for Canton.

The surprise (I guess) is that the test was positive for Ephedra, the drug Korey Stringer was taking in 2001 to lose weight. How'd that turn out? Well, he died, so I'd go with "not so well."

So the No Fat League can suspend a player on the first test if it shows up. Sauerbrun is appealing the suspension, so everyone's taking their shots now, in case it doesn't stick. Consider this recent bit from legendary, hall-of-fame comedian extraodinaire, Bruce Bruce:

"Todd Sauerbrun's so fat the Broncos jog around him for conditioning. Todd Sauerbrun's so fat he once laid on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push him back in the ocean. Todd Sauerbrun's so fat he put on some BVD's and by the time they reached his waist they spelled out 'Boulevard.' Todd Sauerbrun's so fat when he tripped over the 50-yard line he landed in the end zone. He's so fat he once fell in love and broke it!"

Does it really matter if you have a fat punter? As long as his foot doesn't swell out of his black shoe, fuck it. Where's the problem? Is he bullying Jason Elam out of his per diem money? Was Shanahan buying him cocktail dresses that didn't fit? Is Ron Dayne complaining about pasty-white love handles in the shower?

Some reports say the Broncoss are considering cutting him. Bullshit. He's been in the league 11 years. He hits it for 44 yards a pop. He was a Player of the Week last season (seriously). He's popular with his team. Did we mention the steroids and the DUI conviction?

Sources close to KSK reveal that Sauerbrun is now trying other, more traditional weight-loss methods, including:



Cocaine. Let's hope this gets under control before anything drastic happens.


Footsteps Falco said...

Kyle Orton is going to hate that you put someone else's head over his in that last photo.

Son of Brasky said...

There's a reason why the Panthers traded a guy who averaged 45 yards/punt and openly questioned the manhood of Martin Gramatica. If you can get past the whole steroid thing, "SauerBUM" was pretty kick ass.

Captain Caveman said...

Poor form by that bulimic chick. Seat goes up for puking.

Red Line said...

But what does Sauerbrun think of mama slap chicken?

That anorexia photo is terrifying.

J.E. Skeets said...

Breasts? Legs? Pfft ... I'm a "rib man" and that anorexia chick is smokin' hot!

Sports Voyuer Extrodinaire said...

Sauerbrun ain't got shit on Janikowski in the fat and drunk kicker department.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

That anorexic chick is SO fat. Did you see the cellulite on the underside of her thigh? I think a Manute Bol picture would have also worked well there.

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

MMP you're such a "glass half empty" person. Stringer isn't getting any fatter is he?

Yes, I am going to hell, but you anorexia jokesters are on the plane with me.

RectumDamnNearKilledEm said...

SVE is obviously unfamiliar with the legend of the Sauerbrun. And all the speculation is rendered pointless by the fact that the 'brun has dabbled in all of those and more. SOB knows the time. Shit, Todd probably did so much phed that morning that it masked all the meth he was doing two weeks before.