Tuesday, July 25, 2006

KC Are You With Me?

Welcome to another edition of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

The Kansas City Chiefs are not funny in the traditional sense. On paper they seem to be exciting, unfortunately their players have all the personality of a slice of bread. Their best bet to ensure hilarity this year would be to revert back to an old logo.

Since this scenario is becoming less likely by the day we'll just have to play the cards we're dealt for now.

If you are a fan of weepy press conferences, sentimental postgame speeches, or general incontinence you were probably heartbroken by the retirement of Dick Vermeil. The Kansas City Chiefs will now continue their push to remain permanently mediocre with the perfect man for the job. On his way out the old Dick made sure to lay the groundwork for his top assistant Al Saunders to take his place. Naturally management gave Dick a farewell "Fuck You" by letting Saunders head to Washington (thank you!). While Dick couldn't have been thrilled with the decision he was appeased when they hired his buddy (and former Chiefs assistant) Herman Edwards. Herm was thrilled to be granted leave from the trainwreck he left back at the Meadowlands, now he's got a whole new gang of players on which he can instill his ultimate wisdom. (Did You Know...Herman's Head was originally set to star the fiery coach, unfortunately the network deemed his inner thoughts too "disturbing" for a national television audience)

The ever reliable Trent Green returns as the team's signal caller and the most underrated fantasy football player of all time (this could be partially attributed to his standing as the least interesting pro athlete of all time). Although Friar Holmes likely won't factor into the team's offensive arsenal they appear no worse for the wear. Once Larry Johnson was inserted into the lineup he ran through the opposition with a reckless abandon that I haven't seen since Jimmy Dix. Even without the stalwart blocking of the recently departed Tony Richardson, LJ figures to be amongst the most productive runners in the League. Given the ridiculous strength of the Chief's offensive line he could probably hit 2,000 yards while wearing the Oops, I Crapped My Pants he got in college.

As always Tony Gonzalez will be the featured aspect of the Chief's passing game. Despite appearing more formulaic than your average sports movie, their offense is consistently amongst the most dominating in the League. The only tougher assignment than game-planning for the Chiefs is trying to determine Tony Gonzalez's ethnicity (Wiki lists them as African American, Jamaican, Indian, and Cape Veridian...so he's not Hispanic??). Since the wide receiver crop is about as interesting and useful as ESPN8's coverage of amateur curling (Effin' A Cotton, Effin' A!), we'll just keep this thing trudging along.

The success of the offense has further illuminated the need for improvement within the weak defensive unit. For once the front office has made a concerted effort to address their glaring personnel needs. Without question the biggest addition of the offseason has been Ty Man Law. While playing for Coach Herm last season he was able to amass ten interceptions thanks to his perceived weakness among opposing teams. With the combination of Law and Patrick Surtain they'll be partially immune from the weekly Oz-style rapings they've used to taking from the rest of the division.

Given last year's ten-win season, and the improvements to the defense, folks in Kansas City (I'm assuming they say things like "folks") have plenty of reasons for optimism. With a little bit of luck this team should compete for a playoff berth in the intensely competitive AFC West. HOWEVAH! they are coached by the Herm the Disapointer so an 8-8 finish isn't just possible, it's almost guaranteed (the 'Sheed kind not the Namath kind).

18 comments:

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

This doesn't even come close to make up for your irrational Bronco bashing last week, UM.

Son of Brasky said...

Didn't the Chiefs have to give up a 6th round draft pick to get Herm from the Jets???

I'm surprised there is no mention of "you play to win the game!" That stupid little phrase is the only reason this guy is still getting head coach offers.

Unsilent Majority said...

sorry, i guess the chiefs just aren't quite as hateable as the broncos.

Anonymous said...

Herman's Head was such a great show.

Ian said...

I agree with the skeleton on this one.

Anonymous said...

Aren’t these post's supposed to be funny? UM, you are the weakest link…goodbye

Unsilent Majority said...

wow, a weakest link joke...now that's just fucking hilarious. your mastery of topical humor makes me cower in the corner...fag

A.R.P. said...

Who are the ad wizards that came up with Anonymous posting?

dholl said...

um you are incapable of writing anything funny or original. a classic um post looks like this

Unsilent Majority says:

"Big Daddy Drew: "blah blah blah"

oh you mean like blahbloglbodloglahd? big lebowski quote i'm a genius dc is awesome. will i love you
07/25/06 06:21 PM


how about coming up with your own shit instead of commenting on everyone else's?

mutoni said...

There's just something about a writer calling a reader a "fag" that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. UM, I salute you.

Blogging: you gotta love it!

Unsilent Majority said...

"how about coming up with your own shit instead of commenting on everyone else's?"

feel free to heed your own advice

Spectacular Sam said...

Geez, so much hate on this lovely little blog today.

Carry on, UM.

dp said...

I agree with you UM, the Chiefs are nowhere near as hateable as the Denver fuckin Broncos. Oh whoops, commented on someone else’s comment....gee, I need to come up with my own shit.

bigtdog said...

Wow. Seems some are embracing the dark side of the Force. Don't hate, people. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Keep up the good work, UM.

Anonymous said...

Mediocre post. But... I think it just pales in comparison posting after Drew's massive Lions bash. Plus, it's harder to playa-hate the Chiefs. Keep up the work.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

I'm not sure what to do about these Chiefs, cry or mismanage the clock.

Scott said...

As Rick James once punched into the forehead of Charlie Murphy "UNITY"

dholl said...

dholl says:

"UM: feel free to heed your own advice"

ahem...they peed on your rug dude, YOUR FUCKING RUG