Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Let 'em Know How We Do It Down In the C.O.

At this point, even DJ Hi-Tek is getting down on his boys from the 'Nati. The only people left in Ohio who aren't pissed about the Bengals' off-season transgressions are members of the Ohio State Bar Association. Type the team's name into Google (double true), and you'll find a police blotter that would put the Cowboys' crew to shame.

Atop the list you're likely to find their young, talented, and possibly lobotomized third receiver, a fitting ranking after finding himself in custody three times since the end of his team's season. At this rate they'll be renaming Interrogation Room B after this guy. Thus far his infractions have included possession of marijuana (apparently still illegal), concealment of and assault with a firearm, providing alcohol to jail bait, and the requisite DUI.

All of this since January? Are we sure he's not part of the Mexico clan? Seriously, the guy took his mugshot in his own damn jersey; apparently he was going for the "Tom DeLay" tactic. Despite his antics as of late I prefer "Classic Chris," like back in December of 2005 when Henry got pulled over and the cop found some West Virginia homegrown stashed in a shoe. Apparently that's the easiest way to procure skunky weed in the hills.

Most recently Odell Thurman, also a member of the memorable '05 draft class, has sufficiently contributed to his team's new rep. The Bengals recently learned that their impact middle linebacker will be wearing street clothes for the first quarter of the season thanks to a failed (or skipped) drug test.

According to John Clayton's more "analytical" overview of the situation in Cincy, it is Mike Brown & Co. who have been calling the shots in the player personnel department. This logic (like math without numbers) leads me to believe that Brown is a self-destructive personality... or he's just trying to stick it to that smiley black guy.

The Bengals, as if refusing to admit the follies of the previous draft, went ahead and selected Frostee Rucker. You know you're in trouble when you've got parents who were too high to think up a name without taking an ice cream break. He was subsequently arrested for smacking his woman like she was an Oregon State quarterback, although to be fair she did call him Mr. Softee after a mishap in bed. (Disclaimer: We here at KSK do not find spousal abuse funny in any form... except for Chuck Finley)

To compound their problems, the powers that be decided to use one of next year's draft picks on Ahmad Brooks in the Supplemental Draft. While Brooks was a standout on the field he was getting higher than a Bengal back in the dorms. After a few run-ins with the Man regarding marijuana (still illegal) he was booted off the team. Essentially the young middle linebacker with a drug suspension has been replaced by the young middle linebacker with a history of drug use.

All this means is that Chad Johnson is sitting quietly in the corner planning the perfect way to redirect everybody's attention to its rightful place.

12 comments:

shaun said...

Don't forget about my fellow Seminole alumni AJ Nicholson. Breaking into a teammates house to rob him AFTER you have been drafted by the Bengals is just not very smart.

shaun said...

Oh yeah and the whole accused of rape thing for AJ probably made the decision for the Bengals even easier.

Unsilent Majority said...

my nicholson paragraph faced the chopping block, it's hard to make fun of a Seminole criminal these days...so passe

Roy Hobbs said...

Ah yes, the Bengals. AKA Ravens West.

Funny how all this bad stuff keeps coming out of Ohio, huh?

Must be just a coinky-dink

Tony said...

Spousal abuse is also funny when it involves Lionel Richie.

Unsilent Majority said...

...and sometimes jason kidd too

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

I'm not even a Cinci fan (passing fancy if you will) but is there a bigger bum than Mike Brown? How does one come from a football family and not know dick about football?

It's as if he has been praying to Marge Schott's decomposing bones for advice on how to run a pro sports franchise with no money down.

RichUncleSkeleton said...

Excellent line about Frostee Rucker's parents. Good stuff

bigtdog said...

You know what's eerily happening with this blog? I'm starting to differentiate and recognize each of the 5 of you by your writing styles.

You're all very good at this -- but you each have a different "voice" and "dialect" when you write. I guess it's like being able to tell your quinteplets apart.

Keep up the good work -- all of you.

Swing4 said...

Seriously, this is funny enough for me to have sex with you based on your wry intellect alone. If you happen to be attractive and wealthy, I will have to marry you, as well.

Mike said...

Who Dey? The Jail Kitties!
Who Dey? The Jail Kitties!

Anonymous said...

You know, it seems Sean Taylor would fit in very well on this team. Of course, he'll have to polish the ole rap sheet first, and he just signed his bigass extension. Ahh, what might have been...

On an unrelated note: swing4, we're quite the blog groupie, eh? Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just make sure they buy you dinner first. Split five ways, shouldn't be bad.

The bill, i mean. What?