Thursday, July 6, 2006

2006 Preview: Seattle Seahawks

Welcome to another installment of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

2005 Recap: 13-3, lost Super Bowl XL, not very funny. For those of you who aren't familiar with Captain Caveman, allow me to admit: I love the Seahawks. I might love them more than my parents. Last season's phenomenal playoff run was the closest I've ever seen a Seattle team come to a championship. But I'll be the first to tell you that it wasn't a funny team. Let's take a closer look:

- Hard-hitting safety and defensive anchor Ken Hamlin was beaten to within an inch of his life outside a Seattle night club following the 'Hawks' Week 6 victory against the semipro Texans. I felt sick for three days. Not funny.

- Shaun Alexander was voted the league's MVP, scoring 28 TDs and doing the most boring touchdown celebrations ever. He's a devout Christian, he loves his wife and children, and he says all the right things to the media. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

- Matt Hasselbeck quietly became one of the best QBs in the NFL, kind of like a poor man's Brett Favre when Favre was good. He's so tough that when he tackles someone, it's a penalty. But really, is he funny? Nope.

- All in all, Seahawks President Tim Ruskell pieced together an entirely unfunny team by focusing on things like "character" and "team." Oops, except Sean Locklear. Still, domestic violence: not funny.

- Well, there was one comedic highlight: Qwest Field on November 27th. That was the Giants' Week 12 overtime debacle in which the G-Men had 11 false starts and Jay Feely steadfastly refused to win the game. I would have found it hilarious if I hadn't been breathing into a paper bag. Still, when I'm having a bad day, I like to look at this.

Potential for Comedy in 2006: for Captain Caveman -- Zero; for everyone else -- Excellent. Despite the loss of All-World guard Steve Hutchinson to the Purple Pussies of Minnesota, the Seahawks may have gotten better in the off-season. And it's this kind of talk -- "They were a Super Bowl team, and they got better!" -- that will make even the easiest of regular-season wins this year a hand-wringing affair for me.

Here are things that could make me throw up this season and also give countless fans of other teams unlimited laughter (it's incredibly hard to type with crossed fingers, as I fear publishing these thoughts will doom them to become true):

- Hasselbeck gets injured. The Seahawks' backup QB is (still) Seneca Wallace. I saw him in the second half of a preseason game at Qwest last year. He looked like ass against Minnesota's second string. Sweet mother of God, Matt, be careful out there.

- A weak secondary kills them. Despite drafting Kelly Jennings with their #1 pick, the 'Hawks secondary remains their weak spot, especially if Ken Hamlin's return is less than complete. I suppose some people might laugh if Matt Leinart picks apart the Seattle D with Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. I'm twenty-seven; is that too young to have hypertension?

- Alexander the Great gets old. He's 30 this season. Maurice Morris is barely more competent than Seneca Wallace. I'm terrified.

What to expect:
A playoff team. Very few laughs. Me screaming at the television about a team playing 3000 miles away, resulting in dangerously high blood pressure.

Finally, as much as I would like to pretend this picture didn't exist, here's a photo from when the Seahawks were funny, as recently as two years ago:



Note to commenters: I will delete every single comment that pertains to the referees of Super Bowl XL, Jerramy Stevens's dropped passes, or the Pittsburgh Steelers. Then I will find you, and I will fight you. So just save me the trouble, okay?

41 comments:

BoSox Siobhan said...

"Purple Pussies of Minnesota.."
I think you mean the Purple Pussy Eaters of Minnesota, if the sex boat excursion was any indication.
Not, of course, that there is one single thing wrong with that.

Tony said...

Now that's a perverted mind, Siobhan. (Well done!)

Seabags will go 11-5 and lose in the NFC Championship this year.
They are good, but you are right CC, they really are boring.

Dweeze said...

You're back-up QB is an ex-Cyclone? I feel for you CC.

Unsilent Majority said...

Mike Holmgren's befuddled visage....highly comedic

shaun said...

If I was worried about anything it would be the Madden cover, that shit scares me.

Bjorn Randolph said...

Anybody in NYC going to Mr. Dennehy's on Sunday? (c.f. Lance Uppercut comment on Deadspin RFK trip post)

Captain Caveman said...

Bjorn: dude, wrong kind of football. But yes, I'm seriously considering Mr. Dennehy's for the WC final.

The Seahawks could totally take France AND Italy. And I'm talking about the countries, not the soccer teams.

veteran character actor said...

i always knew hasselbeck was into bears.

HofC said...

Don't matter. Just another team that will lose to the Skins...

Btw, expect that comment throughout the previews.

He manTooth said...

All though I'm a hardcore Bills fan, I moved to the Emerald City in January, so I will be knee deep in Seahawk love this season.

Since I'm also a Spurs fan I know how to enjoy incredible boring teams.

Anonymous said...

FUNNY: A year and a half after the Rams debacle at Qwest, and Mike Holmgren still hasn't figured out how to run out the clock properly.

FUNNY: Learning American Sign Language to pick up on the snap count of opposing offenses at Qwest.

NOT FUNNY: A harder schedule, and this time, you probably won't be able to quadruple-team Steve Smith

Bjorn Randolph said...

Football is a game of mathematics. Observe: Shaun Alexander minus Steve Hutchinson equals Dominick Davis. Good luck with that, seriously.

Unsilent Majority said...

hofc, you will always be welcome here.

skins are god

Captain Caveman said...

Will Shaun get 1800 and 28 without Hutch? No. But Domanick Davis? That metaphor reeks of hyperbole.

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

As a life-long Hawks fan, I am just waiting for the inevitable Seattle collapse this season. Looking good on paper has always been their downfall.

Welcome your Division Champs, the Arizona Cardinals. "I for one welcome our new Cardinalis cardinalis overlords. And might I suggest that, as a popular television personality, I will be particularly helpful in tracking down your enemies."

Unsilent Majority said...

hyperbole smells like hotdogs

BigTDog said...

Will you find me and fight me for mentioning Bozworth??

veteran character actor said...

nothing hasselbeck likes more than a good ol' fashioned sausage-fest. i guess i'll be getting him a hyperbole-scented candle this year for his b-day.

albaNY Hawker said...

Great piece.

Very funny pointing out all the unfunny things about this team.

You failed to mention that ADA laws require the Seahawks to have at least ONE funny position, and they've chosen it to be CENTER.

Robbie Tobeck is the notable team clown, and all reports say that Chris Spencer is following in his footsteps.

Something else that's funny. Put a couple of cowboy hats on Matt and Trent in that picture and it looks like a poster for Brokeback Mountain!

We're heading to Miami this year baby, and THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL!

Nyssa23 said...

I thought the pic looked more like one of those "Calvin Klein Obsession" ads from the 90s.

"Between a man and his big, muscular teammate lies...Obsession."

BoSox Siobhan, now you have me thinking of that old "Flying Purple People Eater" song, with the words "Sailing Purple Pussy Eater" substituted. *sob*

Anonymous said...

bjorn: that's a reach on the alexande to davis comparion, you forget that we still have Jones. No, Shaun won't put up last years numbers, but losing one guy doesn't turn an super bowl caliber offensive line into one of the worst in football.

Son of Brasky said...

Anon, actually, losing a piece of your offensive line does diminish a team quite a bit. See the Green Bay Packers team of last year, after losing LG Mike Wahle. Point is, that in reality you can't put together a good offensive line like you can on Madden.

Captain Caveman said...

Robbie Tobeck, Sean Locklear, Tom Ashworth, Chris Gray, Chris Spencer, and Pork Chop Womack comprise the non-superhuman players on the line. Tobeck's old but has great technique. Womack's a little brittle but is better than average. It's still going to be a one of the best lines in the league. Oh, and of course there's Mack Strong.

This conversation about blocking is unfunny; further unfunny responses shall be deleted. (For the record, I promise to not be such a fascist in future posts.)

reed said...

saying the 06 seahawks could end up like the 05 packers, not funny.

Anonymous said...

gI wonder if Trent and Matt make each other wear hats in the sack. All that forehead probably ruins the studly illusion.

Proverbial said...

Senneca Wallace is my trade-for QB in Madden by the way.

Anonymous said...

NOT FUNNY: A harder schedule, and this time, you probably won't be able to quadruple-team Steve Smith

In addition to the 6 games against the NFC West, they get the blah NFC North while the East and South beat each other up.

I'm a Seahawks fan very curious to see in what novel way they'll accomplish the inevitable implosion, but strength of schedule isn't something to fear, it's something else to like. On paper.

Anonymous said...

Caveman, I've gotta ask - when KMS does the preview of a certain team from Western Pennsylvania, will you a) be the one doing it, and b) will comments that favor that team be allowed then?

Kidding, of course - I love what you and the rest of the boys have created here, and you deserve a little leeway.

If you choose to delete this post, no hard feelings, just a request that you let us know in advance (or better yet, make a cryptic comment under this subject).

Take it easy -

Dexter Manley Reads...Your Mind said...

I've searched and searched since the dawn of the Internets and this, my friends, is the best site ever. After Kissing Kolbert, creating another blog would be barbaric. This will be my first and last stop during my internet reading day. Welcome to me!

Proverbial said...

KMS? Kissing Kolbert?


Last 2 comments should be stricken from the record.

Anonymous said...

KMS = Kiss Me Suzy

Captain Caveman said...

Anonymous: Well, I won't be writing the Steelers preview, but unlike the Seahawks, they are an inherently funny team. Big Ben's motorcycle, Bettis in Detroit, Cowher's grimace, the nasty strain of rabies in Stillers fans, Joey Porter's diarrhea of the mouth... the Steelers beg for our laughter.

Notice I didn't respond to most of the (slanderous! heretical!) things written about my Seahawks here, because they were funny. I only have a problem when the same old shit from Super Bowl XL -- from the bad rap 'Hawks fans have gotten for bitching, to the Steelers' fans asinine "one for the thumb" homerism -- gets rolled out for the millionth time. It's just so utterly, completely lame, and it runs counter to everything for which KSK stands (which is also why I stopped the delving into analysis in the comments -- there are too many sites that already do that much better than we).

Phew. In short, say what you want, just say it funny. And get yourself a screen name, son.

Proverbial said...

KMS= Kiss Me Suzy= Still not the name of thr site.

You must have come here via Dudespin.

Anonymous said...

Caveman, you have seen a Seattle team win a championship.

The Storm won the WNBA thing a couple of years ago

Roy Hobbs said...

CC, now I've got a username. Happy, pappy?

Bjorn Randolph said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jerloma said...

I think the fact that their coach looks like Craig Stadler is funny. Not to mention, throwing a pick for a TD right after that "we'll take the ball and we're gonna win" comment has gotta be like top 20 funniest things of all time. Then there's those uniforms but I'll digress.

Cool site. Keep up the good work.

Beban said...

Seattle has football now?

artboy said...

Touchback Mountain?

Anonymous said...

The "Hawks" wont need any sense of humor this year. Its all business,and as Alba said,this time it is personal!!

jerloma said...

So, I don't get it. Is it business or is it personal?