Thursday, July 13, 2006

The Al Davis Comedy Hour

Welcome to the latest in our 32 part series, Better Know a Football Team.

If the NFL were Hollywood, the 2006 Oakland Raiders would be Snakes On A Plane. Every simpleton (even Sean Salisbury) knows that both are destined to fall flat on their faces, most likely in their opening weekends. At times both the Raiders and Snakes will range from uncomfortable to terrifying. More importantly to our cause, both projects have the potential for levels of humor not seen since the 1980 duo of the Raiders championship and Airplane!.

As always the story of Raider Nation begins with Al Davis, the League's resident hemmorhoid. The past three seasons have resulted in the Norvian average of 4.3 wins; once again the aged one spun the wheel of NFL coaches. Much like a contestant on The Price Is Right, Davis failed to complete a full spin on his first few tries and missed out on his top choices. With Bob Barker looking on the producers allowed the decrepit Davis to take a default, he was eventually able to retain Art Shell (you remember, he's the guy that replaced Mike Shanahan, and we all know how well that's going). He will soon go down as the first coach to begin his initial season on the hotseat.

For those who find the pathetic management of the front office too tragic to laugh at (pussies), I proudly present you Aaron Brooks. Mere words cannot do justice to the sheer majesty of Ron Mexico's cousin. Before we go further I'd like you to watch this YouTube clip as a friendly reminder of his exploits and future potential.

The bright spot of this franchise is the offensive talent surrounding their new play maker-upper. LaMont Jordan is a proven talent but he's yet to prove his longevity; combine that with a depth chart thinner than J.E. Skeets, and there could be trouble at times. The real strength comes from the speedy and sure-handed stable of receivers. Although Randy Moss is a pain in the ass he's got all the talent he needs to carry the offense... but more importantly he's got a smoothie franchise (I recommend the OG Kush).

Unfortunately for Brad Gilbert and any other Raider fans out there, Jerry Porter is already bitching about his new coach and his role on the team. His future in Oakland is currently in question. A popular option is last year's injury victim, Ronald Curry. Some of you may know him better as the best football/basketball combo that a Virginia high school has seen since AI's day. He went on to stab UVA in the back to play quarterback at UNC... where he sucked. Now he will try to join Porter to recreate the dynamic duo that outed Chump Bailey once and for all.

The defense was the obvious cause for concern in the offseason. Despite losing perennial underachiever/injury victim Charles Woodson the Raiders were able to shore up the beleaguered eleven by raiding the Rose Bowl rosters. They acquired two elite college safeties, Michael Huff of Texas and Darnell Bing of USC (apparently they will not be played by Hank Azaria and Matthew Perry despite what you may have heard). Thus far in minicamp the Raiders have been featuring Bing at outside linebacker, another defensive hole as of late.

Oakland is headed for a long season that will be rife with despair, truly the only ecstasy you'll find in that locker room will come from Sebastian Janikowski's stash pocket. Their best bet is to share that shit with the guys in the Black Hole and pray they don't riot.

28 comments:

Captain Caveman said...

I completely disagree. Snakes on a Plane has a much greater chance to succeed.

Anonymous said...

Is it too early to refer to Aaron Brooks as "Ron Uruaguay?"

The Dude said...

Al Davis is The Crypt Keeper.

That's all I got.

uncskins28 said...

Is there any more terrifying adjective in the English language than Norvian? Maybe Spurrian, but it's very close.

Anonymous said...

yea...not very funny

Anonymous said...

OG Kush! Tee hee, marijuana reference!

Dexter Manley Reads...The Tea Leaves said...

Is it obvious then to everyone that the Skins fleeced the Broncos in the Portis-Bailey trade? Champ Bailey is so overrated it's ridiculous.

Snakes on a Plane will do better than Mission Impossible 3.

A.R.P. said...

Oakland Ishtars will go 2-12-2 after losing the vaunted Norvian punt-friendly ability to call a draw on 3rd and long.

Oakland: where football players go to end their careers.

AwfulAnnouncing said...

As a Skins fan you just set me back three years in my life Norvs Feb. I cannot believe the amount of 3rd down draws that f'er runs. It killed me then, but I laugh about it now.

A.R.P. said...

"This Westbrook kid's ALL right! He and Heath are going to be the next Troy and Harper!"
-Norvell Augustus Turner *Offensive Genius

*title void in mid-late '90s DC Metro Area, Oakland, and Miami (in the vacinity of David "Smackley" Wannstedt's moustache obscured hairlip).

Unsilent Majority said...

Westbrook would have been good if he wasn't such a fag...oh Stephen Davis, you got your ass kicked by a gay guy.

Flower Power Baby!

A.R.P. said...

I was present at the famed 7-7 tie with the NYG that featured a Gus Frerotte ConcushDown celebration and a Michael Westbrook helmet toss (there was a spider in it!) whilst in the very comfort of field goal position.

I remember when no one would even sniff Mike Nolan's dick! Where to next Norvell? Where to next?

Raiders suck btw, real bad. Good luck with the whole Aaron Brooks/Randy Moss meltdown. Lamont Jordan (eventhough he's Terp) will be turnin' tricks for dough by week 4.

Kodijack said...

Yes, it was embarrassing to not be able to find a coach. Yes, Randy wants out. Yes, Jerry is a whining pile of crap.

My biggest concern is that while Brooks will have a ton of yards, it will be because we are always behind.

So, Donkeys (Broncos) next?

Unsilent Majority said...

trust me, the denver preview will be filled with vitriol

A.R.P. said...

Ron Dayne is just so loveable and John Elway's teeth are the things of legend. So big.

Unsilent Majority said...

nice pic norv

every sean taylor fan (how can you not be a sean taylor fan?) should head over to dcsportsfan.com's t-shirt shop to support Sean.

A.R.P. said...

That's where I got this mess from. If we don't get those ATVs back the terrorists will have won. I will brandish a firearm for my embattled safety from the U.

Anonymous said...

This is Norv Turner's blog? Oh damn. Raiders Rule!

bigtdog said...

I'm a Raider fan. This season will suck once again.

The Raiders haven't been viable since Tampa Bay handed them their asses in the SB. Since then, there has not even been hope.

Commitment to Ticket Sales! Just suit up, baby!

Ugh.

uncskins28 said...

Norv's Feb...I was at that game too! All we saw from where I was was Gus running into the corner of the end zone and then never coming out again.

My lord that game was awful.

Anonymous said...

No matter what you think of the Raiders, you cant deny that Al Davis is good for the NFL--the day he dies and the Cubans--or worse-- of the world move in will be a sad day for football--and this comes from a Pats fan

Great site guys--the season is almost upon us!

Jacques Bauer said...

I am not anonymous, btw

DawgPound Craig said...

Al Davis may have you killed for your insolence. Check all trees and bushes when leaving your home. And have someone else start your car for you. His minions are everywhere.

Beban said...

Raider Fan:
Black Chevy truck: Check
Pissing Calvin sticker: Check
Raider decal on rear window: Check
Raider license frame: Check
Laker flag: Only when they win
Everybody else mocks you: check

Go shave your goatee, stop packing nine to a room, and stop wearing wife beaters...Raider fan = Dirtbag

Truth hurts, Jose/Demetrius/Zed.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

Ah... the Raiders. Bill Callahan called them the dumbest team in America, and then they went out and got Kerry Collins, and followed that up with Aaron Brooks.

How did they not do everything in their power to get Vince Young?

rm said...

I don't think Vince would have been a good fit...

bigtdog said...

Danny Boy:
Do you root for the Chargers, Chiefs, or Broncos? (I know it has to been one of them)

Beban said...

Nope, but I'm from Los Angeles, so I know the type (and by type, I mean idiot, and by idiot, I mean Raider fan). Yo Yo Yo, Go Raiders, Dawg, Big ups to whatever it is currently gets big ups, and so on.