Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Today's Joke Brought to You By Aquatic Mammals Wearing Football Helmets

Welcome to another installment of Better Know a Football Team. Today, the Miami Dolphins.

Hey, did you hear the one about the former All-Pro quarterback who got caught up in a team-wide sex scandal, then blew out his knee in a fashion that would make Barbaro wince? And then he demanded a long-term extension? Then got dealt to a team in a city that only fueled more speculation about his nightlife? Then allegedly flashed "the shocker" to 20,000 of his new city's fans? And that team then traded for one of the highest-profile draft busts in recent history to play back-up to the All-Pro? And they signed an undrafted gun-wielding sex offender to play third-string QB/wide receiver/odds-on favorite for jail time? And they invited a short-fused retired offensive lineman to try out as a tight end? And the team’s star running back got his 316th consecutive drug suspension and ended up in the Canadian Football League? And their All-Pro defensive end, driving near his home close to the team’s practice facility, got stabbed by a redneck road rager? Then his wife, the team's middle linebacker's sister, filed for divorce from him?

Yeah, I guess everyone’s heard that one by now.

For the Fins (or 'Phins, if you prefer abbreviation to anatomy), it has been an offseason of comedy that can only be called Shakespearean. The Winter's Tale was a story of the quarterback dilemma, when the early favorite to play savior, Drew Brees, chose instead to be a Saint,* tipping the dominoes that brought in Culpepper and Harrington. Is the team big enough for The Two Gentlemen of Florida? I have my reservations about Culpepper (to say nothing of Joey), but if Nick Saban can win nine games with "My Name is Better Suited for Ice Skating" Gus Frerotte, whatever fuss I happen to make about the quarterback situation will become Much Ado About Nothing.

And what of Ron Mexico Jr? Will Saban bring out his inner Petruchio and give us The Taming of the Shrew? Or will Vick's Midsummer Night's Dreams of violent crime create The Tempest that blows him out of town for good before he even sees The Twelfth Night of camp?

I, for one, would love to see The Comedy of Errors continue. But Dolphins fans should ignore the hype and my hopes, and remember that All's Well That Ends Well.

Hey, speaking of happy endings...


*If I remember correctly, Saban actually cooled on Brees and preferred Culpepper. But I'm not interested in your silly facts.

11 comments:

Beban said...

The Dolphins are the victim of the "If you drop back to pass on a baseball infield, you suck" curse. See: Oakland Raiders. Nothin says football more than a 6-4-3 double play. At least the Vikes roll out the astro-cover for the infield.

Swing4 said...

Nice work. I look forward to the Moliere-inspired review of the Chargers, comparing any one of the Spanos men to The Bourgeois Gentleman.

Also, when do you sleep, CC?!?! 2:00 am post?!

Captain Caveman said...

I sleep 5-6 hours almost every night.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Ricky Williams is only the third player in CFL history to roll the leaf off the Canadian flag and try to smoke it.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Can't Romo come out of retirement for this team? He would really add something to that locker room. I think that something is tension, but still. He showed he's still got it on Spike TV's "Pros vs. Joes".

goto11 said...

> He would really add something to that locker room. I think that something is tension, but still.

No, that thing is a tacklebox full of crank.

Chillonamill said...

You've got the sex boat pirate and the child molesting football equivalent of Kevin Dillon on the same team in Miami!!!....oh my, all we need is double dildo Smoot and we have ourselves a prono thats worthy of Eddie Griffin getting into another car accident

dp said...

The Dolphins are definitely somewhere at the top of the list of NFL teams that bring the funny. In addition to the funny stuff you listed, they also have Joey Harrington. The city of Miami will be amazed at the caliber of jazz piano that guy plays.

The Dude said...

C’mon, CC … They practice in Davie and spend their off-time in South Beach.

What could possibly go wrong?

Son of Brasky said...

This team's defense has an average age of 47. I think they're considering bringing on Julio Franco as a long snapper.

MrVilhauer said...

Well, at least Jay Fiedler plays somewhere else.