Monday, July 31, 2006

Dan Morgan Is a Pantywaist

Carolina Panthers linebacker Dan Morgan is a true warrior. He's reporting to camp bigger and stronger than ever, and he's eager to put his history of injuries behind him. He is as tough as a man gets, an inspiration to all of us Miller High Life-drinking meatheads who have gun oil and grease in the cracks of our calloused hands. That's why he got himself a hyperbaric chamber.


The Charlotte Observer reports:

Morgan has less space in his Wofford College dorm room than ever. Instead of rooming with Will Witherspoon, he's sharing space with a portable hyperbaric chamber... With best friend Witherspoon signing as a free agent with the St. Louis Rams, Morgan finally took advantage of his right as a veteran to have room for himself. He has come to rely on the chamber as much as he did on Witherspoon, who spent the past four years lining up next to him.

Yes, who needs an All-Pro linebacker next to you when you've got Tupperware for humans? Oh, but it gets better:

Morgan said he decided to try the chamber... after conversations with agent Drew Rosenhaus. Wide receiver Terrell Owens, another Rosenhaus client, brought attention to hyperbaric chambers when he used one to during his recovery from a broken ankle two seasons ago.

Yep. Well, if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that you should always take Drew Rosenhaus's advice if you want to look like a douchebag.

Morgan went on to say that he loved the way the hyperbaric chamber sped his recovery time from the bumps and bruises of training camp, and how it works so much better than the anti-aging cream he'd been using before, claiming that he hasn't looked or felt this young since his first manicure.

He also added that the only downside of the chamber -- other than being associated with Drew Rosenhaus and T.O., looking like a total douche, and replacing his best friend with an oxygen tent -- is that in the mornings he has no way of telling if he's lost his inner monologue.

33 comments:

Son of Brasky said...

You'll rue the day caveman.

Son of Brasky said...

And here's to Sean Alexander breaking his foot in week 4. Actually, a tough bout with turf toe for Mr. "I need 1 more yard" would make me happy.

Captain Caveman said...

Oh, Brasky, simmer down. I have nothing against the Panthers; they're the second-best team in the NFC.

Also, it's Shaun Alexander, and I wouldn't be surprised if yur wish comes true, what with the cover of Madden 2007 and all.

Captain Caveman said...

*your

Fuck.

swing4 said...

This comment has absolutely no relevance to the original post, but I feel compelled to say that I have never seen a man who looked more like a turtle in my life. A very 'roided out turtle.

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

What? No Iron Lung?

Son of Brasky said...

You are correct. I just hope we get a fair rematch in January with eveyone on both sides healthy. But I'll just worry about beating the Falcons on opening day for now.

Completely agree with you about Rosenhaus. When I read that observer article this morning and realized that he was Morgan's agent, I immeidately became angered by the prospect of a contract dispute with our MLB next year. Stupid Miami players.

matt said...

"lost his inner monologue"...that's just damn funny.

bet he shags like a minx.

TheBigO said...

Son of brasky,

Seahawks baby. I can't wait until Keyshawn and SS get into a serious catfight on the sidelines over the damn ball. Kudos on drafting D Williams, can't believe the rest of the league let you guys snatch that kid up. I would love to see a rematch of the NFC championship, healthy or not if it's in our house y'all cats are done. It's gonna be a war in the NFC this season. Our LB core looks to be the nastiest in the league, with JP, the samoan LT and young master Hill, don't come across the middle, especially if the Hammer is back. DAMN IT START THE FUCKIN SEASON ALREADY!!!!!!!!! 14-2 superbowl champs GO SEAHAWKS!!

Captain Caveman said...

Guhhhhh...

The Fan's Attic said...

That 'anti-aging 'had to go once the Panthers' doctor got busted for steroids.

doug_plank said...

You're with me, hyperbaric chamber.

Also Michael Jackson a big fan of this Electric Pringles Container.

TheBigO said...

Sorry CC should I have made some clever reference to Anchorman?? My bad dude.

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

And the sports page homoerotic quote of the day goes to:

"He has come to rely on the chamber as much as he did on Witherspoon, who spent the past four years lining up next to him."

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

First of all, the Panthers are steroids.

Secondly. I know this isn't firepeterking.com but...

"But then, like an oasis in the desert, on a road leading to the airport, was a drive-thru Starbucks. I'm like a food-crazed addict or alcoholic. When I saw the green awnings, I started salivating."

OH MY GOD. Stop it.

Captain Caveman said...

BigO -- Not at all. It's just that preseason bravado makes me ill at ease.

Of course, I agree with your assessment of the LB corps, but I'm one of those people who believes that Julian Peterson's Achilles can be snapped by Seattlites' braggadocio.

TheBigO said...

CC, yeah I know, his Achilles is suspect but here's to hopin he stays healthy. If it makes you feel any better I called a 14-2 season last year during the pre-season, I would have been right too if not for that egg laid in 120 degree heat down in Jville. Every other win I called perfectly, shoulda done it in Vegas, did this year. Don't belive in Madden curses, if you need a reason Stevie Wonders got it in his song Superstition. You can't really blame me for bein this pumped though. As a life long Hawks fan it is alot of fun being able to feel this good about your hometown team. I was there through the mid ninties dude, I deserve this shit.

TheBigO said...

CC,

Even if JP goes down, we've still got DD Lewis, and he's no slouch. It's fine man, have some fun. I as a fellow Seahawk fan understand your apprehension, it's gonna be ok. We need to get Seneca on the field though. Get a decent backup and get this cat out there, he's too good to sit on the sidelines. Love that Shockey pic, I hate that fuckin douche, easily on of my favorite moments from last year. I was yellin at the tube like "yeah, now what, go sit down you fuckin gaybird". I love when whats his face (now w/ green bay) seperated him from the ball in the endzone, no way that was a touchdown.

Roy Hobbs said...

All this NFC-centric crap is fascinating. At what point are you guys going to realize that the champion will come out of the AFC?

Again.

And while I'm not foolish enough to pick my own team before a game has even been played, I think the Black and Gold are looking poised for a second run.

TheBigO said...

Naw, if it's anybody from the AFC it's gonna be the Fins. They've already got the D, now they've got a QB, a good RB, a stud reciever, a good TE. Don't sleep on Miami.

Buckaroo Banzai said...

Matt Millen just traded the all the Lions 2007 draft picks for the hyperbaric chamber.

apostles03 said...

The Dolphins? Quite a fantasy.

You know, Ricardo Montalbon is not President of the United States.

And Tattoo is dead.

Nyssa23 said...

Am I the only one wondering if that chamber can comfortably fit two?

I am? Crap.

Hey, it probably makes a divine coffee table. Just be sure to use coasters, boys!

DawgPound Craig said...

It must be a serious fad going around. On NFL Live this afternoon, they had an interview with Shockey and he said that he uses a hyberbaric chamber also. Doesn't this put them in league with Michael Jackson?

Beban said...

I wonder if he's also using Stephen A. Smith's hyperbolic chamber?

Get it? Hyperbole...Hyperbolic...Oh, fuck you, I don't have to prove myself to anybody.

Bloof said...

Dan Morgan Fairchild = Bubble Boy.

I can't believe you fellas missed that. The turtle crack was good, though.

Also, there is a near-cuss word in your word verification graphic. Cool! Now my day is complete, and it's not even 6am.

dholl said...

i don't see what the big deal is.

1)he's a veteran and veterans have their own room, end of story. he can throw a bunsen burner in there and start a meth lab for all i care.

2) everyone uses hyperbaric chambers these days, this is definitely a non-story. i recall watching 6 days till sunday last year and tony parrish practically lives in one.

if these guys are professional enough to take such good care of their bodies, i'm right there with them-- and t.o. has never been accused of letting himself go.

Anonymous said...

yep, this post is a stretch... Just a gayhawks fan trying to dig at the all mighty panthers.

TheBigO said...

"gayhawks"

Who said anything about Kansas?????

Captain Caveman said...

yep, this post is a stretch... Just a gayhawks fan trying to dig at the all mighty panthers.

Lighten up, Francis. And you and dholl should come back when you have something funny to say.

Jimbo said...

Yeah, but is that new roommate of his going to hold his puke bucket on the sideline next concussion he gets?

swing4 said...

"if these guys are professional enough to take such good care of their bodies, i'm right there with them-- and t.o. has never been accused of letting himself go."

'Cause if T.O. is known for anything, it's his professionalism.

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