Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Nick Saban Obviously Wants the Terrorists to Win

In a story rich with comedic gold, Miami Dolphins coach Nick Saban turned down President Bush's invitation to join him for dinner. Saban gave reporters some bullshit lines about how his decision wasn't about politics, how he had to focus on coaching his team in training camp, and how he was disappointed he couldn't enjoy the honor of dining with the president.

Yeah, right. You know Saban just didn't want to spend the evening nodding politely while the president told him how punting on 4th-and-15 from inside your own ten is a sign of weakness to the enemy, or how male cheerleaders really were integral to football games back in the day. (I kid, of course. We at KSK have no desire to draw the president's ire -- or any political lines, for that matter.)

Defensive end, stabbee, and soon-to-be-divorcé Jason Taylor also declined an invitation, citing the equally suspect excuse of "team meeting."

So who went in Saban's and Taylor's stead? Well, Dan Marino, for starters. He's a first-ballot Hall of Famer. Oh, and Jim Kiick, Nick Buoniconti, and Jim Mandich -- all members of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins. Um, okay. That makes sense, in a "The president is in Miami and doesn't like hearing about losing" sort of way. But then, according to the World Wide Leader in Sports Entertainment, "Among the other guests were actor Andy Garcia and Univision host Mario Kreutzberger, known as Don Francisco." Huh? Nevermind for a second that Univision has an Italian-German Jew masquerading as a Hispanic guy -- who didn't get invited to this party? Was Charo not available? Where was the Dude during all of this?

Anyway, Kiick seemed to revel in the glow of the Leader of the Free World. "It was a pretty wild feeling to know you're having dinner with the most powerful person in the most powerful country. Usually it costs you $20,000 to get close to the president." Wait, $20,000? How does he know that? Is that what it takes to buy off a Secret Service agent, or is that what political fundraisers cost these days? I'm so out of the loop.

Kiick added that he didn't quite understand Saban's motivation. "I find it hard to imagine turning down the president," he said. Well, guess what, Jimbo? Some of us have more to do every year than crack open a bottle of champagne when the Colts rest their starters. Monday Morning Punter would have posted a page of your Outlook calendar, but all it had on it was "Talk about going undefeated three and a half decades ago." You know, just because Don Shula wasn't photographed with Richard Nixon during Operation Linebacker doesn't mean you have to get all salty about somebody with an actual job passing on dinner with a former owner of the Texas Rangers.

Unlike Kiick, we at KSK support Saban's decision. Regardless of one's political leanings, dinner with the president is always an honor, and to rebuff the most powerful man in the world in order to dedicate more time to Joey Harrington... well, that is a coach who deserves a contract extension.

Oh, and Nick? Save those receipts -- you've got about two years of IRS audits coming your way.


Basshole said...

I heard a rumor that Jason Taylor didn't show up because he drilled both of Bush's daughters. He thought it might be a little awkward.

'toga ponies said...

It's George Friggin Bush.

There is nothing to talk about with that moron. It's not about politics, it's common sense.

Let's see, I could be doing my job, or I could waste the next 4 hours dealing with the Secret Service and a man who has the conversation skills of a retarded orangutan.

Dweeze said...

Maybe Saban wanted to get everything out of the way that needed done so he could watch alternative theories about 9-11 on C-Span on August 1st.

BoSox Siobhan said...

dweeze, i love you at this moment. I just chortled heartily.

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

Saban obviously realized that the only thing more disastrous than the situation in the Middle East was Joey Harrington's passing. He simply figured his input was needed more at practice.

Oh, and I would so hit Barbara Bush (the daughter, not the grandma). But not the fat, drunk daughter.

knots said...

has anyone considered that with nick's strong ties to the New Orleans/ Gulf Coast region that this could be a protest of the ham handed and totally blundred Katrina situation?

KaLiBLeeK said...

I cosign what knots said. Somebody needs to start investigating this theory ASAP. But not that d-bag Carl Monday.

Nyssa23 said...

punting on 4th-and-15 from inside your own ten is a sign of weakness to the enemy

Ha! Comedic gold, indeed. The Outlook calendar line had me actually LOLing, as the kids say. Looks like El Presidente had to delve pretty far into the D and E list celebs to get a full dinner party going.

But seriously, though, Don Francisco isn't his real name? Dammit! Can no one be trusted??

Luis Sojo Jr. said...

I'd hit Barbara Bush (the grandma). What? So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy?

Unsilent Majority said...

luis- Margaret Thatcher is not ammused

Douche Bigelow said...

George Bush doesn't care about....oh never mind.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...


I'd take both Barbaras together. Hey wait a second... doesn't Daunte Culpepper play Nick Saban's Dolphins? Hmmmmmmm... do the twins enjoy boating or "water sports"?

PUBoiler78 said...

"for all those with OCD"

i don't think that means what you think it means

Since I don't have Deadspin commenting privileges, I'm posting this here.

Thank you, UM. Far too many have no idea what OCD is and throw it about willy-nilly.

To add to the discussion here, there's gotta be some strong hatred on Saban's part to turn down an invite to eat with the Pres. I strongly dislike the Pres, but that wouldn't stop me from eating dinner with him if I had the chance.

Rob I said...

Good job, Nick. Now you'll NEVER be on The President's Council on Physical Fitness.

Anonymous said...

C'mon. I'd wager anything that Saban turned down the invite because he's a workaholic. He can't live without workahol.

You know why I know this? Because Nick Saban is definitely a Republican. He makes too much money, he's too in control of his life, and he's too on top of things to be a Democrat, that's for damn sure.

How many alpha-males with a salary in the 2 million + range that you know are Democrats? None. Exactly.

lopey said...

i'd have dinner with him.

of course i'd spend the whole time tellin' his daughters i wanted to fuck 'em.

DCThrowback said...

^ Ted Turner comes to mind. As do a number of Hollywood powerbrokers.

The deal is thus: It's the President of the United States. If he asks, you roll.

No excuse is good enough and no snark-filled "President X is a Y" comment is funny enough. Poster Kyle hit the nail on the head.

Unsilent Majority said...

"How many alpha-males with a salary in the 2 million + range that you know are Democrats? None. Exactly."

apparently you aren't familiar with a little place called Montgomery County Maryland

Douche Bigelow said...

"How many alpha-males with a salary in the 2 million + range that you know are Democrats? None. Exactly."

Um, George Clooney? He even goes so far as to appear in Congress to solve things.