Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Better Know a Football Team: the Baltimore Ravens

H.L. Mencken, the greatest Baltimorean not named Johnny Unitas, once said that Sunday was “a day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell.” Mencken made this statement prior to the invention of the Sunday Ticket, so we are pretty sure he would feel differently today.

Still basking in the waning glory of their 2000 Super Bowl title, Ravens fans will not spend their Sundays this fall wishing they were dead. They will leave that to those wide-eyed cousin-fuckers in Cleveland, whom Baltimore mercilessly fleeced years ago. However, this will not be a season to remember in Baltimore.
Four things you might not know:

1. Steve McNair’s favorite television programs are “The Price is Right” and “Matlock.” So in addition to playing like an old man, he watches TV like one too.

2. The Ravens are named in honor of Baltimore native Edgar Allan Poe. Poe is credited with inventing detective fiction. In “The Murders in the Rue Morgue,” Auguste Dupin correctly deduces the murders were committed by an escaped orangutan. In real life, the orangutan was framed by Ray Lewis.

3. John Unitas’ legacy belongs to the city of Baltimore, not the dipshit Irsay family. Last year, Unitas’ family went to court successfully blocking the state of Indiana from raising money for their new, shitty dome by issuing Colts’ license plates bearing Unitas’ number.

4. Avon Barksdale is about to flex nuts now that Hamsterdam is shut down.

There are a fuck-ton of holes in the wheezing apparatus that is the Baltimore Ravens. Unfortunately, they elected to fill but one in the off-season— the quarterback. While even the necrotic corpse of Air McNair is an improvement over Kyle Boller, only a fool would expect a full season from the old dude. Look, McNair got the shit kicked out of him when he played for good teams. What does he look forward to in Baltimore? Crab cakes, that’s about it.

How many games are you going to get out McNair, Raven fans? How many games until the wheels come off the old bastard? Six? Maybe ten? Twelve? (yeah, you wish). Make no mistake; we are big Air McNair fans. We just hope the old fella doesn’t crap himself the next time he gets bounced off the turf.

Ed Reed has long since eclipsed Ray Lewis as the best player on the Ravens’ defense, but that doesn’t make him the team badass. That title still belongs to Ray. Anybody can motivate ten other guys to make a big stop on third down. But how many linebackers can get their boys to butcher some playa haters like they were a couple of hogs?
After the Bloodbath at the Cobalt Lounge, Ray Lewis has worked diligently to rehabilitate his image. As the above graphic suggests, these efforts are beginning to pay off. Even the stigma of directing your goons to hack up two dirtbags washes away in the redemptive glow of rubber ducky races. Keep rooting for that vicious sociopath, Baltimore. Nevermore, bitches.

20 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

H.L. and E.A. are the only good things to ever come out of baltimore ('Melo's from Towson)

irishcharlie said...

Great read. And thanks for the link to Smigel's Ray of Light video. Pure fucking genius.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Quoth the Raven: What a shine!

Monday Morning Punter said...

Those must be some damn good crab cakes.

Unsilent Majority said...

Yeah! Crabcakes and Football. That's what Maryland does!

p.s. fuck the ravens

Jason said...

Won't Marlo be top dog as long as Barksdale is back in the can?

Chillonamill said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
SlickBomb said...

"There are two things Maryland does best, crab cakes, and FOOTBALL!!"

(Bonus points if you get the reference)

SlickBomb said...

Oops. As usual, UM beat me to it.

Chillonamill said...

Baltimore also does heroin and STD's pretty well. Steve McNair has a lot to look forward to.

Chillonamill said...

Anybody up for a game of touch football?

BigRicks said...

2 things:
1) murders at the rue morgue reminds me of sophmore year of college which reminds me of American Lit class, which reminds me of the cute chick who sat in front of me from outside Baltimore that I nailed...good times

2) Also, Let's not forget, LET'S NOT FORGET dude, that keeping wild life... an amphibious rodent... you know domestic... within the city... That ain't legally either...and neither is failing to mention that George Herman Ruth was from Baltimore as well.

A.R.P. said...

Let us forget neither Kix nor Ugly Kid Joe when referring to Charm City.

Anonymous said...

'Melo is from East Baltimore. He went to Towson Catholic.

They aren't filming Stop Snitching videos in Towson.

Chris said...

Love the Wire reference

Christmas Ape said...

John Waters and Frank Zappa, UM.

Give Baltimore a little contemporary cred with those two.

But otherwise, fuck the city and fuck the Ravens.

Unsilent Majority said...

come on anon...don't ruin it.
for the record he's from texas, he was raised in Druid Hill (West Bmore) and he went to school in Towson.

on a sidenote...After a pitiful first half of basketball (during melo's soph. year) my high school's coach berated the team and told them they were making this kid look like a fucking all american.

Panger said...

RIP stringer bell

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

"In real life, the orangutan was framed by Ray Lewis."

Fucking brilliant.

Son of Brasky said...

I've been looking for the 'Ray of Light' video for ever. Thank you sir.