Monday, August 7, 2006

Better Know A Team: Green Bay Packers


Five Fast Facts about the Packers:
-The newly renovated Lambeau Field now holds 72,922 people, or 54,987 Wisconsinites.
-New head coach Mike McCarthy presided over the 31st ranked offense in San Francisco last year. Team President Ted Thompson got the inspiration to hire McCarthy after viewing the zany 1991 Martin Short-Danny Glover vehicle "Pure Luck" on a Peter Pan bus trip to Wausau.
-The Packers play on a grass surface at Lambeau Stadium. It isn't tundra. And it isn't frozen. It's just regular fucking grass. You hear me, Berman, you ungodly fat fuck? (PS - Your Facenda impression blows.)
-During the offseason, running back Ahman Green underwent a radical new surgery in which surgeons reconstructed his left knee using only wax paper. Dr. Charles Goodwin, a renowned orthopedist, predicts the knee should hold up far better compared to the crepe paper reconstruction performed on Green in 2004.
-The Packers are the only NFL team that is community-owned. And when your team is owned by 100,000 of these jackasses, a four-win season starts to look like quite an accomplishment.

10 Yards of Awkwardness with: Al Harris

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting* with a player from each team. For the Packers, it's starting right cornerback and Hasselbeck-tormentor Al Harris. We'll be spending a little extra time talking about the Packers today. Because I hate them.


Big Daddy Drew: Um, wait a second. You're not Brett Favre.
Al Harris: No. I'm Al Harris.

Drew: I'm sorry, but I've been told on many occasions that Brett Favre IS the Packers. So I don't really see where you come in. What do you do specifically to serve Brett Favre? Do you shine his shoes? Fetch fresh tobacco for his pipe? What?
Harris: I play defense.

Drew: Oh, I see. So your job is to get the ball back for Brett Favre so that he can heroically redeem himself for the interception he just threw?
Harris: My job is to get the ball back for the offense, yes.

Drew: Brett Favre had one of his greatest games on Monday Night against the Raiders after his father passed away. Be honest: when he was throwing two and three interceptions a game last year, did you ever secretly hope that one of his loved ones would die tragically and without warning?
Harris: No. That's awful.

Drew: I know. Then let's say it was a distant relative, like if his great aunt were mauled to death in a horrible wheat thrasher accident. Don't you think that'd make him play a little better?
Harris: No.

Drew: Cris Collinsworth once said that just talking to Brett Favre makes you a better person. How did talking to Brett Favre get you to stop raping people?
Harris: I've never raped anyone.

Drew: Okay, but let's pretend that you ARE a rapist. Didn't talking to Brett Favre help you control your savage, primal urges to sexually overpower helpless women and children?
Harris: I am NOT a rapist.

Drew: I see this is a sensitive subject, so I'll move on. The Packers often give their younger fans bike rides during training camp. What other things do the players do to lure children into the team's basement torture den?
Harris: We don't have a torture den.

Drew: I mean, do you use rock candy? Big League Chew, maybe? Did Mark Chmura give you any pointers?
Harris: We don't have a torture den. Period.

Drew: The Packers signed Charles Woodson during the offseason. How much has Woodson taught you about bump-and-walk coverage?
Harris: Charles is great player.

Drew: The Packers drafted AJ Hawk in April. Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Did you know AJ Hawk is married to Brady Quinn's sister?
Harris: Yes.

Drew: Okay. I just wanted to give you an idea of what Packers game broadcasts will be like for the next 10 goddamn years.
Harris: Okay.

Drew: Brett Favre has often been called the heart and soul of the Packers. But who is the team's penis? Is it Samkon Gado? I heard black guys from the Motherland are hung like fuckin' Seabiscuit.
Harris: I don't know.

Drew: Is it hard to use the team bathroom when Peter King is administering a blumpkin to Brett Favre two stalls over?
Harris: I don't know what a blumpkin is.

Drew: Aaron Rodgers: bust or disappointment?
Harris: Aaron's gonna be good.

Drew: You have dreadlocks. Tell me about the shit they grow in British Columbia. Is it as good as it sounds? I heard if you take a hit of it and then beat off, you start to see, like, purple swans and shit.
Harris: I don't smoke weed.

Drew: Smart answer. Keepin' it on the DL. Javon Walker used a contract dispute to force a trade to Denver. Why has no one else on the team been smart enough to follow his lead?
Harris: We think we'll be pretty good this year.

Drew: When Najeh Davenport shits in the team hamper, how do you choose who gets to Shout out the stains?
Harris: Najeh has never shit in the team hamper.

Drew: What's the best natural disaster metaphor we can use for the interior of the Packers' o-line? Mudslide? Sinkhole? Bottomless pit lined with smeared dogshit?
Harris: Those guys are coming together.

Drew: Let's talk about Packer fans. How do you cope with living in a town comprised exclusively of slumpbusters?
Harris: I don't know what that means.

Drew: Packer fans enjoy cheddarwurst. What if we were to add a nougat center to the cheddarwurst? Wouldn't that help hasten these people to an even earlier grave?
Harris: That sounds gross.

Drew: What's your first name, Al, short for? Al'quan? Alvaricious? Al'Brickashaw?
Harris: Albert.

Drew: That's kind of disappointing. Nevertheless, it was great talking to you, Al'Berrtt.
Harris: No problem.

*via the wonders of the imagination

NOTE: Apropos of nothing, I strongly urge you to read the Johnny Unitas book excerpt from last week's issue of SI. Talk about a fucking badass. That guy never would have played for the Packers.

UPDATE: Whatsa matter? Can't take a little titties con queso? You won't find a finer rack in all of Wisconsin, I tell you. Wispride, baby. Wispride.

38 comments:

A.R.P. said...

Is that what living in Wisconsin does to titties? I'm dairy free for the rest of my life... thanks curdled tits!

Dweeze said...

And you call yourself a Viking fan? I was expecting far worse for my beloved Packers, and quite frankly, I'm disappointed.

Monday Morning Punter said...

What's a blumpkin?

Chris said...

from urban dictionary:

blumpkin:

To receive fellatio whist defecating. Highly acclaimed for involving two of the most peasurable bodily release events simultaneously, but very difficult to accomplish. Also called a blumpy.

Success: Everytime they get home after a long road trip, Paul escorts Kim the the bathroom and sits down for a good wholesome blumpkin.

Failure: Maria agreed to give me a blumpkin, but she gave me such a great blowjob that I couldn't squeeze out a single turd.

doug_plank said...

Do they have a body bag made of cheese? Get it ready for Farve for week 1 against da Bears.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Wow, Chris, Kim is a good sport.

Unsilent Majority said...

those tits look a little too firm. can a brother get some brie?

Anonymous said...

You're with me, cheese tits.

That's Enough, Dan Shanoff said...

"I heard if you take a hit of it and then beat off, you start to see, like, purple swans and shit."

Out-fucking-standing...

Captain Caveman said...

We need to get a new post up. Those cheese tits are killing me.

BigTDog said...

I'm just happy Najeh Davenport's bowel movement got a cameo appearance here. No packer joke is complete without a mention of Chmura or Davenport.

I salute you Big Daddy D'Brickeshrew.

That's Enogh, Dan Shanoff said...

It's not the cheese tits, it's the 60-year-old body attached to them that is grossing me out.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Oh, that Unitas excerpt is fucking awesome. I might have to break down and read my 4th book ever.

The Last Unitard said...

I can't believe you interviewed Whoopie instead of the Head Cheesedick. And you could have furthered the blumpkin joke by commenting on how King couldn't tell if it was the limburgher in Betty's blood or the unwashed state of his penis that produced that ungodly smell.

SlickBomb said...

Great stuff, as usual. Best lines: Giving Brett Favre a blumpkin and Charles Woodson's bumb-and-run coverage were just killer. Well done, Drew!

swing4 said...

You're the king, Drew. Another great job.

Unsilent Majority said...

the bump 'n walk sealed the deal

micah said...

man, such hatred could only stem from having to sit in the metrodome - possibly the only place in the world that manages to be a cesspool and sterile.

(bears fans and lions fans have much better luck: bears fans get the rex grossman experience and his magical legs, and lions fans get to think of new ways to smuggle in "fire millen" signs.)

Fornelli said...

"Let's talk about Packer fans. How do you cope with living in a town comprised exclusively of slumpbusters?"

Tons of great ones, but that was my favorite

Unsilent Majority said...

it's not really the tits that are bothering everybody, it's the will ferrell stomach

The Last Unitard said...

If by "bothered" you mean "really turned on", then I'm (we're) right there with you, buddy.

KaLiBLeeK said...

F**kin' awesome. The Chmura reference was the highlight.

Anonymous said...

I was expecting something funny ...

Anonymous said...

"Fucking Jews. What are you looking at, Cheese Tits?"

Douche Bigelow said...

Douche phrase of the day: cheese tits.

BigRIcks said...

BDD, knockin' em dead as usual

Anonymous said...

Deadspin-lite- almost funny, but not quite.

you're not deadspin said...

strictly amateur hour. can't believe deadspin wastes its time linking to you.

last. visit. ever.

Captain Caveman said...

Oh no! Guys, let's get our shit together! We're losing anonymous readers!

Captain Caveman said...

YND and Anon 10:43 -- On a serious note, if you'd like to contact me over email and tell me how we can improve the site, you're welcome to do so. Or you can show me something you've written that's superior to what we offer here.

Or you can fuck off like the cowardly pieces of shit I assume you to be.

Unless you're Peter King, in which case everything makes perfect sense.

Nyssa23 said...

Blumpkin, huh? Gosh, every time I read this blog I learn something new. Y'all are awesome!

P.S. This is even funnier because my best friend is a serious cheesehead. She has much nicer tits though.

Anonymous said...

I'm a die hard packer fan, but also have an open mind when it comes to comedy. That shit was funny. Great stuff.

Son of Brasky said...

Great post. Always entertaining when you can see the words "cheeshead" and "blumpkin" in the same post.

Drizztdj said...

You just gained Vikes fan to your reader's list.

SKOL VIKINGS!

DCThrowback said...

As usual, great stuff Drew.

KnowBaller said...

The milk's gone bad!

Joe said...

I laughed, I cried, I shit in my hamper.

Jagerbomb said...

Screw the Vikqueens. Shouldn't you be crying over the 4 Super Bowl loses. The morally deficient Vikqueens will screw up another season. They may have a better record then the Packers but I'll enjoy seeing them self-destruct. 13 straight winning seasons was a nice run for the Green and gold.