Stop, Hey, What's That Sound Everybody Look What's Going Down

As most of you know, the only reason I give a shit about the Dallas Cowboys is because of their heated rivalry with my Redskins (more on this later). In fact, I traded for the rights to this preview with my buddy Christmas Ape (unlike Paul Farhi we get along with our colleagues). In exchange I gave up the rights to the Bills and a burrito to be named later. Without further delay, it’s time for you to Better Know a Football Team!

But he grew old

This knight so bold
And o'er his heart a shadow
Fell as he found
No spot of ground
That looked like Eldorado.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Once again Jerry Jones has spent the off-season dropping some cash on a facelift for his beloved Cowgirls (he had plenty left over for his own surgical maintenance). Of course the only addition that anybody out there cares about involves some guy named Terrell Eldorado Owens (Eldorado? Really? Apparently Alabama truly is the gayest part of America). Unfortunately for Coach Bill Parcells (and ESPN executives), we haven’t gotten a decent opportunity to watch TO wear the famed star that he has made a career out of defiling Although Coach Lumpy won’t come right out and say so, it has become apparent that he’s getting sick and tired of dealing with the asshole on the bike. It really is a shame the team decided to part with Keyshawn Johnson (aka the inspiration for Excedrin), otherwise we could be looking at the most dysfunctional set of receivers outside of Tallahassee.

While TO works tirelessly to improve his cycling technique, Terry Glenn continues to excel under the radar. Apparently this already led to a bout of jealousy with the notoriously vulnerable prima donna. Although KSK was unable to attain an interview with Mr. Owens (Jason Rosenhaus kept trying to answer the questions) we were able to submit a single question in writing; we decided to inquire as to his perception of Terry. Shortly thereafter TO shot us the following response via email. “She was cool when I met her but I think I like her better dead.” Harsh words from TO. Harsh, plagiarized words. I’m willing to bet these two wind up in a slap fight by the time they’re mathematically eliminated from playoff contention (Week 14).

Once again Drew “The Statue” Bledsoe will return under center to guide the capable offensive attack. I fully expect the veteran to take a vicious hit at some point this season, or maybe he'll just get crapped on by a pigeon. Just remember Drew, these Redskins have a knack of knocking the living shit out of aging quarterbacks. If you are looking for a way out I would suggest you not take the Troy Aikman route...

As is usually the case, the offense's success will hinge on the competence of its linemen. Expect to see some new, younger, guts in the huddle this year. The offseason brought the release of Larry Allen, a stalwart of the franchise for the past 12 years. Although he's the reigning title holder of the NFL Strongest Man competition (Holley Mangold can't catch a break!) the poor guy hasn't been able to walk without a limp for three years. Now all that's left is a ramshackle group of over-the-hill veterans and overachieving youngsters. Luckily they are blessed to have Parcells as a coach, his motivational techniques are the stuff of legend. Recently we happened to overhear a speech he delivered to the struggling group at practice.

That watch costs more than your car. I made $4,275,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a blitz? You don't like it, leave.

The man's got a way with words.

Turning our attention to the defense you can't help but notice a rather impressive youth movement. DeMarcus Ware and Marcus Spears will be joined this year by Bobby Carpenter the other OSU linebacker (however, he is not married to Ron Powlus's sister as claimed in the past). The problems will likely come from the secondary; while Roy Williams is great against the run he has a bad habit of getting torched downfield with his jogging-mate Terrance Newman. Don't forget, that's how the Redskins were able to sweep the Cowboys last year for the first time in...well, it had been a long ass time. So to all you Cowboy fans who are thinking about starting up the shit again this year, I leave you with this.