Thursday, August 24, 2006

Stop, Hey, What's That Sound Everybody Look What's Going Down

As most of you know, the only reason I give a shit about the Dallas Cowboys is because of their heated rivalry with my Redskins (more on this later). In fact, I traded for the rights to this preview with my buddy Christmas Ape (unlike Paul Farhi we get along with our colleagues). In exchange I gave up the rights to the Bills and a burrito to be named later. Without further delay, it’s time for you to Better Know a Football Team!

But he grew old
This knight so bold
And o'er his heart a shadow
Fell as he found
No spot of ground
That looked like Eldorado.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Once again Jerry Jones has spent the off-season dropping some cash on a facelift for his beloved Cowgirls (he had plenty left over for his own surgical maintenance). Of course the only addition that anybody out there cares about involves some guy named Terrell Eldorado Owens (Eldorado? Really? Apparently Alabama truly is the gayest part of America). Unfortunately for Coach Bill Parcells (and ESPN executives), we haven’t gotten a decent opportunity to watch TO wear the famed star that he has made a career out of defiling Although Coach Lumpy won’t come right out and say so, it has become apparent that he’s getting sick and tired of dealing with the asshole on the bike. It really is a shame the team decided to part with Keyshawn Johnson (aka the inspiration for Excedrin), otherwise we could be looking at the most dysfunctional set of receivers outside of Tallahassee.

While TO works tirelessly to improve his cycling technique, Terry Glenn continues to excel under the radar. Apparently this already led to a bout of jealousy with the notoriously vulnerable prima donna. Although KSK was unable to attain an interview with Mr. Owens (Jason Rosenhaus kept trying to answer the questions) we were able to submit a single question in writing; we decided to inquire as to his perception of Terry. Shortly thereafter TO shot us the following response via email. “She was cool when I met her but I think I like her better dead.” Harsh words from TO. Harsh, plagiarized words. I’m willing to bet these two wind up in a slap fight by the time they’re mathematically eliminated from playoff contention (Week 14).

Once again Drew “The Statue” Bledsoe will return under center to guide the capable offensive attack. I fully expect the veteran to take a vicious hit at some point this season, or maybe he'll just get crapped on by a pigeon. Just remember Drew, these Redskins have a knack of knocking the living shit out of aging quarterbacks. If you are looking for a way out I would suggest you not take the Troy Aikman route...



As is usually the case, the offense's success will hinge on the competence of its linemen. Expect to see some new, younger, guts in the huddle this year. The offseason brought the release of Larry Allen, a stalwart of the franchise for the past 12 years. Although he's the reigning title holder of the NFL Strongest Man competition (Holley Mangold can't catch a break!) the poor guy hasn't been able to walk without a limp for three years. Now all that's left is a ramshackle group of over-the-hill veterans and overachieving youngsters. Luckily they are blessed to have Parcells as a coach, his motivational techniques are the stuff of legend. Recently we happened to overhear a speech he delivered to the struggling group at practice.

That watch costs more than your car. I made $4,275,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a blitz? You don't like it, leave.

The man's got a way with words.

Turning our attention to the defense you can't help but notice a rather impressive youth movement. DeMarcus Ware and Marcus Spears will be joined this year by Bobby Carpenter the other OSU linebacker (however, he is not married to Ron Powlus's sister as claimed in the past). The problems will likely come from the secondary; while Roy Williams is great against the run he has a bad habit of getting torched downfield with his jogging-mate Terrance Newman. Don't forget, that's how the Redskins were able to sweep the Cowboys last year for the first time in...well, it had been a long ass time. So to all you Cowboy fans who are thinking about starting up the shit again this year, I leave you with this.

33 comments:

He manTooth said...

It's nice to know other people out there are listening to the rest of "St. Elsewhere" and not just effin' single.

Mike said...

Nice work, UM, especially the Edgar Allan Poe reference. That Parcells rant was also classic.

Jutter said...

The 'boys have the potential for a complete blowup at practice on day. I can see the ohio side of Terry Glenn takin over one day and clothesline T.O. off that bike and Parcells finally flip out and beat the shit out of Jerry Jones.

Actually that could all make for one hell of a tag team match. You cant say you wouldnt pay to see that.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

T.O. is getting better and better at destroying the team he plays for. It took several years with Frisco, a few with the Eagles, and now he's going to kill the COwboys before week 1.

dusty said...

Why would TO rather play mindfuck games than football? Anyone know the answer to that one?

I hope the fuckwit shreds a hammy on that friggin bike,it would be poetic justice.

Monday Morning Punter said...

And the GGR streak lives on...

Unsilent Majority said...

mmp- you called for it, i felt obliged to deliver the goods

Anonymous said...

Fuck that fat douche, and all his media friends. Die Parcells, choke on your 5am donut, and die. Nothing would be finer than that fatass jersey vagina, dying. The 80's are over pigman, and Belichek is your master. You fucking cuntian, die. Peter is you servant, Mary Beth is your master, DIE. And NJ is for pussies, tony s sucks ass. And die.

Monday Morning Punter said...

You delivered and then some, UM. Great clip of Troy getting his face rocked off as well.

Basshole said...

Looks like somebody shit in anon's corn flakes this morning...

PuraPirata said...

The only blow up you guys are going to see is aftermath of Brunell's wreckage once that he's introduced to D Ware. Here's to your boy Campbell being ready.

Pretty funny Parcells interpretation.

A.R.P. said...

God will come from the machine...

Brunell's career ends at the expense of LaVar's re-reconstructed knee. That's how it has got to go down. And Jeremy Shockey will gore his own eyes out after he realizes that his girlfriend, with whom he has had relations, is, in FACT, Tikki with a wig on.

I must say there was nothing like being in a Texas bar on that Monday night with the pig faced man in the #31 jersey yelling at me for 3.75 quarters of football.

That's what I got.

Chillonamill said...

Great post on South America's team.

Anonymous said...

How can you make fun of Bledsoe for being old when Brunell is TWO years older than him?

talktoazza said...

my prediction is that T.O. will be hit so hard by taylor that he will suffer a career ending injury to his man-gina. shortly afterwards, he will be a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars"

Anonymous said...

"That watch costs more than you car."

Nice spellcheck.

Anonymous said...

Dude, this is by far the weakest team preview yet. You pull for a shit sorry team and had to watch the Cowboys knock your dick in the dirt for years, and now, coming off two wins in a row, feel like you're entitled to vomit this crap??

Get your kicks while you can, brother, because it's going to be a long season for Danny's Bitches.

Unsilent Majority said...

did you just call me brother? anonymous faggot.

as for the other anon poster, i don't recall mocking Bledsoe's age, i did call him a statue which of course has to do with his lack of mobility.

Chillonamill said...

Get your kicks while you can, brother, because it's going to be a long season for Danny's Bitches.


Who knew Hulk Hogan was a Cowboys fan?

talktoazza said...

gotta love home cowboys fans are so embarrassed that they post under "anonymous". you make me want to kill again

Becky said...

chillonamill beat me to the Hulk reference. Do people really still call each other "brother?" I know I'm older than most of you, but I didn't think I missed the return of brother to the vernacular...

Damn T.O. is a douchebag. (But he's still better than Charles Rogers and Mike Williams combined will ever be.)

talktoazza said...

correction *how

TheBigO said...

Not Hogan, 'Brother' was the Macho Mans Schtick. "Ooooooooooh, Yeah Brother, me and Elizabeth are gonna....................!!!!!!"

A.R.P. said...

Actually, HH would invoke "brother" with frequency as in "WhatterUgonnado, brother, whentheees ??inch pythons runwildalloveryou?"

Unsilent Majority said...

anon 11:08, it was a typo, i'm not sure how spellcheck would rectify the situation.

Norv- they're 24" pythons...please don't ask me why i know.

Unsilent Majority said...

11:22 not :08

J.J. Gittes said...

I was going to make the point that getting a bunch of Cowboys fans and Redskins fans all riled up at each other wasn't going to be very pretty, grammatically, but then I got to thinkin' about every other NFL rivalry, and pretty soon I was making this sound that's somewhere between a sob and a laugh and a tonsil flew out of my mouth.

FWIW, I root for the star. Not passionately, though, and by that I mean I haven't cried since Montana-Clark.

The Last Unitard said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Sorry, but there's noooo way any Foreskin LB is is going to knock T.O.'s block off and end his season.

That's Brian Dawkins' job.

Chillonamill said...

T.O. fears the Meast!

Anonymous said...

Hey Guys!!!!!!

My friend told me that there was this totally cool post today about the Cowboys season preview, but that it was really just a Redskins fan ripping on them - so of course I had to check it out!!!

Nice job! I totally hate the Cowboys, they're soooo hatable!
We are going to totally kick their booties this year! Brunell to Randle-El is going to be like the most unstoppable combo EVER!

Can't wait to watch my meast out there (that word just makes me soooo oogly woogly!) He's just so scary and dangerous...kind of makes me quiver LOL!!!

Go Skins!!! PS Mr. Poster if you are in the DC area we watch the games at Halo every Sunday and would so love to see you there!!!!!

Unsilent Majority said...

anon, thanks for the comment. I don't find myself down at Halo all that often, not because of it's primarily gay and lesbian clientele but instead because of their no smoking policy.
I plan on attending all the Redskins home games, perhaps I'll drop by for a road game to check out the scene.

Arenas Is God said...

But will Vanderjagt rock the star earring?