As most of you know, the only reason I give a shit about the Dallas Cowboys is because of their heated rivalry with my Redskins (more on this later). In fact, I traded for the rights to this preview with my buddy Christmas Ape (unlike Paul Farhi we get along with our colleagues). In exchange I gave up the rights to the Bills and a burrito to be named later. Without further delay, it’s time for you to Better Know a Football Team!
And o'er his heart a shadow
Fell as he found
No spot of ground
That looked like Eldorado.
The more things change, the more they stay the same. Once again Jerry Jones has spent the off-season dropping some cash on a facelift for his beloved Cowgirls (he had plenty left over for his own surgical maintenance). Of course the only addition that anybody out there cares about involves some guy named Terrell Eldorado Owens (Eldorado? Really? Apparently
Once again Drew “The Statue” Bledsoe will return under center to guide the capable offensive attack. I fully expect the veteran to take a vicious hit at some point this season, or maybe he'll just get crapped on by a pigeon. Just remember Drew, these Redskins have a knack of knocking the living shit out of aging quarterbacks. If you are looking for a way out I would suggest you not take the Troy Aikman route...
As is usually the case, the offense's success will hinge on the competence of its linemen. Expect to see some new, younger, guts in the huddle this year. The offseason brought the release of Larry Allen, a stalwart of the franchise for the past 12 years. Although he's the reigning title holder of the NFL Strongest Man competition (Holley Mangold can't catch a break!) the poor guy hasn't been able to walk without a limp for three years. Now all that's left is a ramshackle group of over-the-hill veterans and overachieving youngsters. Luckily they are blessed to have Parcells as a coach, his motivational techniques are the stuff of legend. Recently we happened to overhear a speech he delivered to the struggling group at practice.
That watch costs more than your car. I made $4,275,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a blitz? You don't like it, leave.
The man's got a way with words.
Turning our attention to the defense you can't help but notice a rather impressive youth movement. DeMarcus Ware and Marcus Spears will be joined this year by Bobby Carpenter the other OSU linebacker (however, he is not married to Ron Powlus's sister as claimed in the past). The problems will likely come from the secondary; while Roy Williams is great against the run he has a bad habit of getting torched downfield with his jogging-mate Terrance Newman. Don't forget, that's how the Redskins were able to sweep the Cowboys last year for the first time in...well, it had been a long ass time. So to all you Cowboy fans who are thinking about starting up the shit again this year, I leave you with this.