Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Meet the New Boss, Same As the Old Boss

Today the NFL Owners are meeting to elect a new Commissioner. Their new leader/opponent will be expected to guide the league forward following the unprecedented prosperity of the Paul Tagliabue era.
Since Tags announced his decision in March speculation has emerged that Roger Goodell will be the man, and that he'll take the job with ease (22/32 votes are required). Unfortunately for Goodell, the league takes this voting business more seriously than a Papal conclave (black smoke means Al Davis has spontaneously combusted), so he might be a bit on edge for now.

Today we are honored to have with us, the current Chief Operating Officer of the National football league, Mr. Goodell. (Suck on that exclusive, NFL Network!)

Kissing Suzy Kolber: Mr. Goodell, how have you prepared yourself to take the throne of the single greatest professional sports league on Earth?

Roger Goodell: Well let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet. When my boss, the lovable Mr. Tagliabue, was voted in as the Commissioner it took a voting period of several months.


KSK: Yeah but you're a lock, most owners wouldn't know these other schmucks if they were wearing nametags. Besides, some of them are just kind of embarrassing.

RG: I'm not sure I can agree with your sentiments.

KSK: Man up Nancy, you're about to be the second most powerful man the National Football League.

RG: Actually I will be the most powerful man in the league.

KSK: Bullshit, Gene Upshaw could kick your ass up and down the street if he chose to, you're lucky he's not that kind of guy.

RG: I have a great deal of respect for Mr. Upshaw and the entire Player's Association. With their help we can continue to both expand and improve upon the league we know today.

KSK: Expand? I'm not sure that's the word most football fans want to hear. Just what did you have in mind?

RG: Well as the League's Executive Vice President and COO I was primarily in charge of expanding the League's business ventures both foreign and domestic.

KSK: You were the one that put a regular season game in Mexico, weren't you?


RG: Yes that was one of the proudest accomplishments during my tenure.


KSK: Son of a vondruke! Why the fuck would you go out of your way to disrupt the season by taking away a team's home game?


RG: Actually we regarded that game as a great success. There is a deep potential market in Latin America and overseas. Expanding into these market places will be an important part of the League's future.

KSK: Mr. Goodell, why do you hate America?


RG: I am a very proud American and I resent any implication to the contrary.


KSK: Why don't we change the subject before somebody says something slanderous...? I've always been a fan of you wife, Jane Goodell; what's it like being married to a woman who fucks monkeys?

RG: I'm afraid you have my wife confused with someone else.


KSK: No, I'm pretty sure I saw that somewhere.

RG: Maybe you should try another subject then.


KSK: Sure thing Rog. In recent years some fans have become vocal over their disdain for the current system of televising games. How do you plan to appease the needs of your existing fanbase?

RG: Another project of mine was the NFL Season Pass contract that the League signed with DirecTV; I feel that has allow....


KSK: Hold up, you cannot be serious!

RG: Of course I am, the package has allowed millions of potential fans to watch their choice of quality NFL entertainment.


KSK: All you did was take a huge payoff from an evil media company to give them an exclusive that is not enjoyed by any other major American sports league (see MLB.tv, NBA League Pass, and NHL Center Ice). Why should we have to switch from cable to satellite just to watch our desired games? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to install a dish at a college apartment?

RG: Our agreement is completely legal and it has been mutually beneficial. We have made a great deal of money for our Compan...I mean League.

KSK: If you've made such great profits why haven't you been able to offer guaranteed contracts to the players that put themselves in danger every week? You are just another piece of crap Suit aren't you?


RG: My job is to ensure the financial growth of League.

KSK: Well once you get voted in by those owners your job will not be to serve them solely. Never forget that you are under the employ of the league, the fans, and the game itself . You are in charge of the single greatest diversion we have to enjoy in this country, please don't fuck this up.
Be like your predecessor and allow the league speak for itself...it really is great.


Update: It's official, Roger Goodell is our new Commissioner. I, for one, welcome our new economic overlords.

41 comments:

Mitch Cumstein said...

Unsilent, you do some funny stuff but the mock interviews arent one of them. Big daddy drew owns this bit with his "10 Yards of Awkwardness" series. Don't fuck up KSK by diluting the concept. Just some friendly advice.

Unsilent Majority said...

i think i just won the over/under on that comment

Big Daddy Drew said...

"If this is anybody but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit!"

Beban said...

I thought killing strippers was America's number one diversion?

And the Jane Goodell piece was money. Don't let 'em get you down, UM.

A.R.P. said...

Have you ever fucked a monkey? It's pretty tops. If we could get an army of monkey prostitutes we'd have a new #1 diversion in this country.

Pimps could offer chimp, orangutan, or gorilla (sorry no Xmas Ape). And if you're lucky they'll rip your arms off and beat you to death right at orgasm. Yes!

doug_plank said...

Did you see Al Davis this weekend?

He looked like Belloq after looking inside the ark in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

Unsilent Majority said...

sex isn't a diversion, it's a pastime.

Captain Caveman said...

It isn't a pasttime, it's a profession.

Unsilent Majority said...

stay classy midnight cowboy

A.R.P. said...

As long as you're not marrying the monkeys, it's diversion.

Beban said...

Dear Norv's Feb,

I don't think jokes about intercourse with primates are appropriate. But if you have to, go for the young monkeys.

Sincerely,

The Man in the Yellow Hat.

Chillonamill said...

Monkeys are like midgets...if you have to pick one, dont go for the angry one

A.R.P. said...

Monkeys have been known to smoke cigarettes and they can kill you in your sleep. They could be reading this KSK right now!

BigTDog said...

Where the hell does one learn what a "Son of a Vondruke" is?

(yes I've looked it up now, but where did you pull that from UM?)

Monday Morning Punter said...

Guaranteed contracts would kill the league.

Unsilent Majority said...

bigt- best of will ferrell volume II. he's playing a doctor who's lost a newborn. chris parnell plays the angry father who uses the expression.

Chemo said...

This has probably been noted before, but...

See, on the Colbert Report the ridiculous interviews are funny because he's actually interviewing them. If you actually interviewed the dude and asked him these questions, we would laugh and all admire your huge balls. But when you're just making up boring responses, it's not funny.

Unsilent Majority said...

what makes you think i made that up.

exclusive bitch

Anonymous said...

Dude, you are this close to being renamed Unfunny Majority, and on your own site at that.

A.R.P. said...

I don't get it, that monkey-wife bit was great and this guy likes the Washington Football Squadron... People just love to be hating. Anon. you don't ever have anything nice to say to UM and UM, maybe you should stop spitting in Anon.'s cheesesteak hat.

Basshole said...

What's up with the font? From midway through this line ("RG: Actually I will be the most powerful man in the league."), the font size increases on all the posts. Or is it just me?

Also, KSK, fuck those people ragging on the interviews, I think they're great.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I just calls 'em as I sees 'em. Five funny lines out of a lengthy, relatively unfunny post that just seemed... to... drag... is a sad ratio.

And the "exclusive bitch" comeback was weak.

Chillonamill said...

I think its funny cause the 'hate America' bit. I can see that happening for real...oh wait, it happens every night on Fox News.

A.R.P. said...

Goodness! Such pithy venom! It is a Swiftian wit that surely would make Voltaire lose his knickers!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Voltaire would have blown me; you can be sure of that.

Unsilent Majority said...

sorry to disappoint dude.

perhaps the josh blue will have some funnier roger goodell materiel on tonight's episode of Last Comic.

Anonymous said...

Nah, I only laugh at the handicapped when I'm drunk.

swing4 said...

Who is this anonymous poster who keeps showing up in the comments for UM's pieces?!

Look, Anon, I'm not sure if UM didn't call you when he said he would, or what, but we all get it -- you don't think he's funny.

You know what is the next rung down on the un-funny ladder? Griping relentlessly about un-funny things IN AN UN-FUNNY MANNER!

Anonymous said...

Uhh, this is the first time I have ever commented on one of UM's pieces. If other anonymous posters have griped relentlessly and un-funnily, that's on them, not me. I am only responsible for the un-funny complaints about this piece.

Unsilent Majority said...

join us tommorow for FREE XANAX DAY!

Beban said...

You're all unfunny. All of you. I'm unfunny, this site is unfunny, and the Universe is unfunny. Everything sucks. I felt the overwhelming urge to tell you this.

Fuck it, Dude. Let's go bowling.

Jon Voight said...

If captain caveman is the midnight cowboy, who's Ratso Rizzo?

Unsilent Majority said...

Only Dustin Hoffman can ever be Enrico Salvatore Rizzo

A.R.P. said...

If the universe is unfunny, then what of the truth? Monkey ballerinas? Sexy, not funny.
Midget wrestling? Kitsch, not funny.
Sex with Biggie Smalls's corpse? Too Tom Green, not funny.
Well, uh, I guess I'll just pick up smoking and start writing poetry. Thanks. I think this could be the first ever blog-induced revelation.

Monday Morning Punter said...

I am a HUGE Jon Voight fan

Unsilent Majority said...

i prefer John Voight

The Last Unitard said...

Do women find Matthew Broderick attractive? The whole Jane Goodall fucking monkeys bit sent me down a terrible spiral of monkey fucking thoughts and somehow I ended up on that movie Project X in which Matthew Broderick fucks monkeys to save their lives or something.

My point is, don't fuck anything that could shit on you at any time.

Dammit... Why did I sell all my adderall to those neighbor kids?

Anonymous said...

My point is, don't fuck anything that could shit on you at any time.

Then you will want to stay away from my ex-wife when she has been drinking.

Unsilent Majority said...

uhhh...what?

TheBigO said...

His ex-wife can't control the ol' sphincter while gettin freaky bruh. Might have been a bit overworked. Personally I might have to kick a chicks ass (verbally) for not being able to control the bowels while I'm hittin it.

A.R.P. said...

The odor of fecal discharge can be surprisingly pleasant when close to climax. Mmmm... smeary.