Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Preseason Week 3 But Were Afraid to Ask

We're back once again to remind you of all the relevant preseason action you would have remembered if you weren't so drunk this weekend.

You will likely notice that I'm not providing the actual results of the following games. Anybody who wants to know the scores can get them here...then contact these people.

Miami at (North) Carolina: Thursday's game marked Daunte's Culpepper's return to the House of Pain. To show how far he's come, the new Dolphin's quarterback actually thanked Chris Gamble for the season ending tackle. Clearly nobody has ever wanted to get out of Minnesota more than Daunte. The one real highlight for Carolina came when rookie DeAngelo Williams returned a kick 98 yards to glory. DeShaun Foster's ankle began crumpling in anticipation (DeJamal Robertson was not heard from). Once again Miami's new offense both looked sharp throughout the first half. Hell, even Joey Harrington led a long touchdown drive on the Carolina's first team...ladies and gentlemen, you're NFC favorites.

New York at New York in New Jersey: Eli's play didn't even match Ole Miss standards in this crapfest, but he's still got first name recognition...which is nice. Chad Pennington failed to lead the Jets on a scoring drive for the second consecutive appearance, then he tore his rotator cuff...just kidding, that's next week.

Crackimore at Minnesota: After intercepting Oxygen Tank McNair, Fred Smoot struck a pose all the way to the endzone, no strippers were harmed. Chester Taylor struggled again with his former teammates stacking the line. Pundits everywhere finally admitted he's not a very good football player.

Arizona at Chicago: Matt Leinart threw for 144 yards while completing 71% of his passes; Will was rumored to be sporting half a pack of rolaids in his pants. Rex Grossman (not a jew) played so well that the fans began ejaculating when Lovie applied the hook in favor of Brian "Better than the Alternative" Griese. Kyle Orton downed a sixer of High Life and took a nap in the trainer's room.

William Penn West at William Penn East: David Akers put on a place kicking clinic, it was exactly as exciting as it sounds. In order to remain impartial, Governor Ed Rendell devoured a Pat's cheesesteak and a small order of fries from the O.

Detroit at Oakland: The Raiders are 4-0 in the preseason. Matt Millen just offered his next four first round picks for the right to negotiate a 25 year contract with Art Shell.

Cleveland @ Buffalo: J.P. Lossman performed well enough to beat out Kelly Holcomb; Tim Couch remained perplexed. Browns fans seem to think "Frye to Edwards" has a nice ring to it, the same could not be said about "Cleveland Browns".

Indianapolis at New Orleans in Mississippi for some reason: Peyton tore up his Daddy's old stomping ground while Reggie Bush fumbled away his early R.O.Y. stranglehold; Deuce McAllister showed 'em how it's done in the Mississip.

Washington at New England: Why don't we just move along...

San Francisco at Dallas: While Bledsoe and Glenn were busy hooking up TO knit himself a pair of mittens. Alex Smith managed to overcome his carny hands to connect with his new best friend Vernon Davis. After the game Mike Nolan rubbed one out all over Eva Braun's portrait.

Atlanta at Tennessee: Somebody named Jerious Norwood carved through the Titanic defense like an iceberg...if icebergs still existed. Vince Young's tumultuous performance made Billy Volek look like Billy Kilmer. Jeff Fisher made himself look like an idiot by calling a crappy fake punt...the mustache didn't help matters.

Tampa Bay at Jacksonville: The Bucs first teamers were stout on both sides of the ball, even if Chris Simms is a little fairy boy and Mike Alstott eats shit for breakfast. Leftwich managed to rally his side once Tampa's practice squad took over. Rashean Mathis thoroughly embarrassed himself with consecutive penalties totaling 62 yards; in his defense, you try covering a coked up and roided out David Boston.

St. Louis at Kansas City: 3 words: Five Field Goals.

Seattle at San Diego: Philip Rivers fumbled three times...but at least he's not Ryan Leaf. Despite the ineptitude under center the Chargers runners found the endzone with ease. While the Seahawks may have lost another tight end the Chargers were forced to play a lineman named Cory Lekkerkerker; Marty Schottentententenheimer had no comment.

Thirteen more days...