Thursday, August 3, 2006

Trash Talking 301: Taking It Up a Notch

Training camps have opened, which means that players aren't just getting their minds and bodies ready for the NFL season, but their mouths as well. Indeed, wide receivers need to whip themselves into a self-aggrandizing frenzy of braggadocio in order to run the perfect post route, safeties need to treat opponents with appropriate amounts of supercilious contempt, and what's a sack celebration without vainglorious gasconade?

Well, Kissing Suzy Kolber is here not just for the fans, but for the players as well. We have compiled a list of 2006's hottest "smack" guaranteed to get inside an opponent's head. We invite the players to use any and all of these spectacular insults. Free of charge, because that's the kind of guys we are.

"My fleetness of foot renders moot your desire to strike me down on the field of play!"

"I invite you to try that stunt throughout the duration of this match; I shall remain as unfazed by it as I was on the previous play."

"Your mother has committed various acts of intimacy with several citizens throughout this township. I happen to know this first-hand."

"You have failed in your task of preventing me from procuring a new set of downs! I plan on doing this again, while you watch helplessly."

"Very well. Pistols at dawn? Have you the desire to finish this like a man? Ha, I thought not! Men of such swagger wilt when faced with the prospect of meeting their Maker."

"I do say, your first-born son bears my likeness."

"Excuse me, sir. Was it your responsibility to prevent me from catching the pigskin on that play? I'm not sure whom to address, as none of your allies were in my field of vision whilst I raced untouched to the end zone."

"My vicious strike upon your body shall appear on national sports-highlight television shows."

"Please refrain from entering my zone of influence, as it will only result in irreparable harm to your body."

"I doubt you shall ever reproduce, as you prefer the company of men."

"That shan't be done in this abode! Have you heard my words? NOT IN MY ABODE, GOOD SIR."

(Click on picture to read text)

Oh, snap! No you didn't, Superman!

Anyway, we very much expect Chad Johnson, Steve Smith, and Clinton Portis to use these phrases throughout the season. We might even be disappointed if they don't.

46 comments:

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Absolutely hilarious! Reminds me of the drive-by insult on Family Guy. Great work.

Unsilent Majority said...

"You have failed in your task of preventing me from procuring a new set of downs! I plan on doing this again, while you watch helplessly."

This makes me think of Michael Westbrook for some reason

Suss & The Family Stone said...

Your supposition that any attempts to prevent me from obtaining the ball several yards from this point are fleeting and filled with many fallacies.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Your presumption that we will fall short of predetermined goals such as accrual of yards and ultimate victory will soon be proven foolhardy.

bigtdog said...

Awesome concept Captain!

Is there an online-translator for these?

"We stand here united in this venue of competition much like a pack of deranged canines poised to conquer our prey"

Translation: "Let’s go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs!" --Lawrence Taylor.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

"You will be unable to thwart our advancement, your only salvation will be in attempting to keep our dominating presence to a confined locale." = "You can't stop us, you can only hope to contain us."

A.R.P. said...

Take that helmet off, only for a moment, so I may crimson your puss!

Unsilent Majority said...

Drederick Tatum is CC's ghostwriter

The Dude said...

"There is no sojourn to my supremacy. I possess profound dexterity and with it, I shall convey you to your local instructional facility."

By the way, "CC And The Ghost Writers" -- excellent name for a band.

Rectumdamnnearkilledem said...

The Creator has clearly neglected to endow you with the sexual organs common to the male of our species, as evidenced by your failure to prevent my advance!

doug_plank said...

Wow, I always thought Superman was Rocky Marciano fan.

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

"I shall be forced to call upon my cohorts to integrate a dagger in your person repeatedly, whilst I watch for the constabulary in front of an imbibing establishment. One who fornicates with his maternal unit!" (Ray Lewis only)

A.R.P. said...

I shall procure for you, unwanted, the services of several ladies of the night and send them post haste to Inn at which you take rest. They will arrive at a most inconvenient hour the day before we are to meet on the playing field. They will insist on not employing the proper precautions for avoiding transmittal of venereal diseases and your urination shall henceforth be accompanied by an extremely unpleasant sting and odious aroma. Oh yes, and one other thing: do not smoke crack, it is most unbecoming a gentleman.

-Lawrence Taylor, Lord of Sacks.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

Or as the super intelligent NFL players might say "all day baby wegonna be here alllday baby we gonna be all day here baby"

"No you ain't"

"Yes we is."

Followed by the N-word a thousand tmes.

Anonymous said...

Your mother is so fat that when she jump for jjjjooooooooooooooooy, shegetstuck.

Ok, thank you.

Russell Peters, Lord of Indian comics, or the only one I know.

albaNY Hawker said...

"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers..."

-- Jules, Pulp Fiction

swing4 said...

This is exactly how I've imagined the Harvard v. Yale game. You know, followed by crying.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

It is in the best interests of our people to fortify this dwelling!

(We must protect this house!)

Anonymous said...

Whom might they be? Whom might they be? Whom might be under the (clearly mistaken, yet merely implied) belief that they will emerge victorious from an NFL regular season or playoff match against the Cincinnati Bengals?

Monday Morning Punter said...

Could someone please give me the hour of the day?

'Tis the hour to commence this joyous sporting contest.

Could someone please give me the hour of the day?

'Tis the hour to commence this joyous sporting contest.

Are there any creatures from the canine family present?

Yessir.

Are there any creatures from the canine family present?

Yessir.

Senor Beavis said...

Should there ever come a day when your collective were to emerge victorious in any feats of strength and skill, I guarantee you it will not take place within the confines of this domicile!

Dweeze said...

You are the illegitimate male child of a woman of easy virtue who supplements her meager income by performing unorthodox sexual practices with lower primates.

mikeski said...

"'Twas this precise occurrence of which I was speaking, heretofore."

= "That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

Ted Striker said...

Your advancement on the previous was nothing short of fortuitous, and you can expect that the law of averages will not smile so blithely upon any subsequent attempts.

Unsilent Majority said...

albany, i hate to break it to you but actually the bible said that...jules merely quoted it. i hope this doesn't ruin the movie for you

Monday Morning Punter said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Monday Morning Punter said...

I will position you over my knee and deliver a barrage of blows to your hindquarters as if you were the auburn-haired offspring of my spouse from a previous, unsuccessful living arrangement.

A.R.P. said...

I shall take you as a part to represent the whole and forthwith proclaim thee and thy lot to be a bunch of bona fide curs. Thusly I will dispense an ample amount of salivary amylase from from my mouth to your face. Enough in fact to dissolve a saltine cracker in mere moments. Consider your face, and your squadron, ready to be fully digested!

-Sean Taylor

Anonymous said...

You, sir, have breached the etiquette demanded of us in this most august of athletic competitions. I henceforth shall dispense with any pretense of conviviality and shall proceed to embarrass you in front of this large gathering of our lighter-skinned fellow citizens by revealing your inferior breeding. You have only yourself to blame.

Captain Caveman said...

These comments warm my frigid soul.

Thanks to all of you.

A.R.P. said...

Would you dare say that they warm the very cockles of your heart?

bigtdog said...

Anon 3:05, is that rascist?
He only has himself "to blame" for his "inferior breeding"? How can one be blamed for his own breeding?

Your conversational rubbish is quite deficient in the manner which is necessary to engage and disarm an opponent. You must expose your adversary to the brilliance and elegance of your own quip at the expense and shame of your adversary's mental and physical aptitude. Trite and infantile jibes, such as you have displayed, are not illustrative of such skill. I suggest you discover a new diversion as your most recent post is surely a harbinger to the failure which approaches should you not alter your course.

A.R.P. said...

Burn! Oh, and I had sex with Mrs. Anon.

BigTDog said...

MMP: That was nice.

A.R.P. said...

You there, yes you. I've noticed you praying after our matches. How would you fancy me using your child as a prophylactic while sodomizing your saviour? Would that be a temperature to suit your clime? Hmm?

-If a line existed, I hope I have tastelessly crossed it.

bigtdog said...

So Norv's FEB:
You're telling me that you're gonna fuck my god with my child at the end of your penis and then ask how I like them apples? Does that pretty much summarize it?

Dude, the line is like 2 miles back in your rear-view.

(thankfully I don't have a god or a child or I might have to crimson your puss)

Monday Morning Punter said...

If there was a sort of Nobel for the comments, norv's feb just won it.

cfpack03 said...

The quips noted above are all superb and exquisite specimen of sprightly tomfoolery! I applaude you all, fine gentlemen. simply said, bravo.

Unsilent Majority said...

i'm so confused...and sweaty

I insist you desist

A.R.P. said...

Some truths we hold to be self-evident and this is one of those truths: I don't know what is going on.

A.R.P. said...

Oh and please see here. I apologize in advance, not because of the taste factor, but because I just couldn't better get behind the idea.

Mike said...

The hilarity of your post and the subsequent comments have caused me to chuckle, guffaw, and bellylaugh so hard, my oblique muscles were torn in a straight line perpendicular to my ribcage. I prostrate myself to your collective comedic genius.

On a slightly different topic of discourse, is anyone anticipating the ritual of interpretive dance after one achieves the goal of scoring a touchdown?

Anonymous said...

bigtdog

No, my comment was not "rascist"; it was "racist". Actually, it was neither.

And my opponent has himself to blame not for his inferior breeding, but for the fact that I will now embarass him in public.

Given your underdeveloped reading comprehension skills, you may want to practice your posting at a less demanding site before jumping into the big pool.

Respectfully yours,
Anon 3:05

Anonymous said...

"Of what location are you currently confined? Of what location are you currently confined! I sayeth, refrain from bringing said unwelcomed behavior to this locale."

[where you at? where you at! don't bring that sh*t 'round here!]

Muumuuman said...

"My God is superior to your God."

or

"Jesus must love me more, as evidenced by your poor, awkward performance."

Anonymous said...

unsilent majority - I hate to break it to you, but Ezekial 25:17 from Pulp Fiction is highly altered from its biblical state. There is no version of the bible that writes the passage is done by Jules. So it would probobly be most accurate to assign the quote to Jules rather than the Bible.