The Ballad of Li'l Baby Catch-Up and Ashley the Jealous Sorority Girl

Unless your name is Terrell Owens, this is a bad market for wide receivers with reputations for assholishness. Just ask the Raiders and Broncos who are both trying to shop receivers sporting more baggage than Brent Musburger's eyes after a two-week tequila/crystal meth bender in Juarez.

Jerry Porter is learning that you can't run a hitch route with Art Shell's size-15 wedged squarely in his ass. Porter demanded a trade after deciding he wanted no part of the Raiders' new tough-love philosophy. (Which, coincidentally, sounds suspiciously like Ike Turner's old philosophy.) Dig Warren Sapp's verbal bitch-slapping of Porter:

"It's not a family. It's a brotherhood of men. Because in a family, if the baby is lagging behind everybody stops and waits for the baby to catch up. We can't wait for the baby to catch up. We got to go."

Until a couple of year's ago we thought "Ashley Lelie" sounded like a spoiled little Kappa Delta in Charlottesville. This off-season, she played the part of a bitterly jealous sorority girl to the hilt. First she got envious when Denver was finger-banging TO. ("Baby, she just threw herself at me. I swear it won't happen again."). Next it was Shanahan's triple-X throwdown with Javon Walker ("We were sooooo drunk. Sorry, baby."). Ashlee huffed and stomped away from a $100,000 in incentives by refusing to participate in the Broncos' off-season workouts. Since then she has been seen wearing sweatpants and cutting up all her old team pictures while listening to James Blunt records.

Certain teams (Eagles, Falcons) are in dire need of WR help. However, just last week, the Eagles' Andy Lurie last week expressed buyer's remorse over the Owens deal, so it seems unlikely he would deal for either of these Hall of Fame egos who possess, at-best, spotty talent. Maybe other NFL execs are taking Lurie's lesson to heart. So far, no one will even pony up a second-rounder for Lelie. In part, because Lelie wants an extension with any trade.

In Oakland, "The Cryptkeeper" (aka Al Davis) has demanded Porter refund $4 million in signing money as part of any trade, which while likely just posturing on the old man's part, certainly hurts Porter's trade value. (FYI: If the Raiders get some of that money back, maybe they can buy Art Shell a hat that isn't three times too small. Mr. Potato Head's hat is bigger than the one Shell wore on the sidelines Sunday night. Even Madden was busting on it.)

So where will these two wind up? Lelie still seems like the most likely to get traded since he is in the final year of his contract. Dealing Porter just to get rid of him might be too much of a hit against the salary cap for the Raidahs. Of course, this is the same front office that thinks Aaron Brooks is still a viable option at quarterback. Our grandfatherly advice to Raiders fans for this season: score some ether and huff your fucking brains out.