Monday, August 7, 2006

The Ballad of Li'l Baby Catch-Up and Ashley the Jealous Sorority Girl















Unless your name is Terrell Owens, this is a bad market for wide receivers with reputations for assholishness. Just ask the Raiders and Broncos who are both trying to shop receivers sporting more baggage than Brent Musburger's eyes after a two-week tequila/crystal meth bender in Juarez.

Jerry Porter is learning that you can't run a hitch route with Art Shell's size-15 wedged squarely in his ass. Porter demanded a trade after deciding he wanted no part of the Raiders' new tough-love philosophy. (Which, coincidentally, sounds suspiciously like Ike Turner's old philosophy.) Dig Warren Sapp's verbal bitch-slapping of Porter:

"It's not a family. It's a brotherhood of men. Because in a family, if the baby is lagging behind everybody stops and waits for the baby to catch up. We can't wait for the baby to catch up. We got to go."

Until a couple of year's ago we thought "Ashley Lelie" sounded like a spoiled little Kappa Delta in Charlottesville. This off-season, she played the part of a bitterly jealous sorority girl to the hilt. First she got envious when Denver was finger-banging TO. ("Baby, she just threw herself at me. I swear it won't happen again."). Next it was Shanahan's triple-X throwdown with Javon Walker ("We were sooooo drunk. Sorry, baby."). Ashlee huffed and stomped away from a $100,000 in incentives by refusing to participate in the Broncos' off-season workouts. Since then she has been seen wearing sweatpants and cutting up all her old team pictures while listening to James Blunt records.

Certain teams (Eagles, Falcons) are in dire need of WR help. However, just last week, the Eagles' Andy Lurie last week expressed buyer's remorse over the Owens deal, so it seems unlikely he would deal for either of these Hall of Fame egos who possess, at-best, spotty talent. Maybe other NFL execs are taking Lurie's lesson to heart. So far, no one will even pony up a second-rounder for Lelie. In part, because Lelie wants an extension with any trade.

In Oakland, "The Cryptkeeper" (aka Al Davis) has demanded Porter refund $4 million in signing money as part of any trade, which while likely just posturing on the old man's part, certainly hurts Porter's trade value. (FYI: If the Raiders get some of that money back, maybe they can buy Art Shell a hat that isn't three times too small. Mr. Potato Head's hat is bigger than the one Shell wore on the sidelines Sunday night. Even Madden was busting on it.)

So where will these two wind up? Lelie still seems like the most likely to get traded since he is in the final year of his contract. Dealing Porter just to get rid of him might be too much of a hit against the salary cap for the Raidahs. Of course, this is the same front office that thinks Aaron Brooks is still a viable option at quarterback. Our grandfatherly advice to Raiders fans for this season: score some ether and huff your fucking brains out.

11 comments:

BJ said...

I can't wait to Michael Huff my brains out...

mathesond said...

Andy Lurie? Philly's two-headed director of HR?

Shoopmonster said...

I really don't know why Ashlee is holding out. The guy couldn't fucking catch a touchdown pass to save his life. Sure, he made quite a few long receptions. He had one touchdown last season. Incredible.

robustyoungsoul said...

There's always Fred-Ex.

Mike said...

"Our grandfatherly advice to Raiders fans for this season: score some ether and huff your fucking brains out."

That is a great concluding line, but I think Raiders fans have been doing that for the last three years already.

Str8 Cash Homies said...

"That is a great concluding line, but I think Raiders fans have been doing that for the last three years already."

There they go again with the fatcat bashing again. You ruffians are pure Baltic Avenue.

The Raiders will rise again. Alas, it'll be AFTER the Aaron Brooks era.

lopey said...

You forgot to include the Bears on your list of teams with shitty fuckin' receivers. The Bears actually offered up a 4th rounder for Ashley...

I will be dissapointed if they get Ashley and then I realize she is not a cute little sorority girl with perky tits, but rather a bitchy little black man.

A.R.P. said...

look into the future with the Raiders QB timeline:

Aaron Brooks Era fades, enter the resurrection, or Kerry Collins II, then the super resurrection, or Jeff Gannon III, then maybe some Jeff George, and I hear Minnesota's got this kid Brad Johnson that may be worth a look.

I know, I've been there with the shitty QBs and bitchy WRs. On another note: did anybody ever notice that Rich Gannon's pads inside his helmet were a disgusting shade of brown? What was that all about?

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Ashley's a silly clown w/ delusions of grandeur.

I'm going to laugh my ass off when he doesn't get traded and comes crawling back 3 weeks into the season...after losing half his salary in fines.

That closing line kills it, baby!

Son of Brasky said...

Why does Aaron Brooks get an era? Shit, I want an era if he gets one.

Another pressing issue- does this mean that we are still in the 'Kyle Orton era'? Does the Kyle Orton era end when he gets married? Or is that just another phase?

I'd like some guidelines on assessing "era's" because I have some unfinished business with Kerry Colins and his years as a Panther.

albaNY Hawker said...

Love the Mr. Potato Head reference.