Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Better Know a Football Team: the Indianapolis Colts

KSK's on-going preview of all 32 NFL clubs rolls on with the Indianapolis Colts, the team whose 13-0 start last year almost made Nick Buoniconti, Bob Keuchenberg and a few other pricks worry about their fruity little yearly champagne toast. Let's do this...


Four things you might not know about the Indianapolis Colts:

1. The original Colts franchise started out as the Miami Seahawks in the old All-American Football Conference.

2. New kicker Adam Vinatieri is Evel Knievel's third cousin

3. The Colts obtained the pick used to draft Marvin Harrison (110 touchdowns, 53 100-yard receiving games) from the Falcons as part of the Jeff George trade.

4. Late Colt owner Bob Irsay was a total cock.


Colts fans seem like a pleasant enough bunch. They tend to be better looking than Bears fans, thinner than Packer fans, and smarter than Browns fans. Colts fans aren't nearly as offensive as their neighbors to the east, the misanthropic drunks that follow the Bengals. Even in the face of the Troy Polamalu travesty, they whine less than Seattle fans. Still, the way Indianapolis stole its franchise from the good people of Baltimore makes it difficult to pity Indy fans too much. Not to get too Ramakrishna (or even Earl Hickey), but if you believe in karma, it's going to be a long time before the Colts win a Super Bowl.


Since 1999, the Colts average a 12-4 regular season record. Yet each ensuing post-season has seen the Colts go down like a tranny hooker on Eddie Murphy. At this point, we know the deal. The Colts will cruise through the regular season (including a Guy Fawkes' Night win in Foxboro; inevitably on a Vinatieri kick) and then, in predictably spectacular fashion, they will choke big time in the playoffs. Manning turnovers will be a factor. It is a foregone conclusion. Done deal. Fait accompli.


Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning have the unique ability to make a 3-4 defense look more daunting than Chinese algebra. In the divisional playoff loss, when he wasn't getting dumped on his underachieving ass, Manning was pointing, flapping, waving and flailing like a Times Square traffic cop, trying unsuccessfully to pick up Pittsburgh's disguised blitzes. After the game, instead of addressing his own deficiencies against the 3-4, Manning chose to throw his under-coached offensive line under the bus. What a tool.


On offense, the Colts are trying to replace Edgerrin James. Simply put, Edge > Dominic Rhodes + Joseph Addai. Much to the chagrin of fantasy football owners, it will be running back by committee in Indy. This isn't one of those good committees either, we're talking about the House Subcommittee on Specialty Crops and Foreign Agriculture Programs here.


On defense, the Colts can bring it on the pass rush. Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis are bona fide studs against the pass. We look forward to another season of broadcasters riding Bob Sanders' jock for his run-stopping ability, while overlooking the fact that his pass coverage is, at best, reminiscent of Elvis “Toast” Patterson.


Look for another gaudy regular season for the Colts. However, the only eminent post-season drama involving the Colts is which goofy Mastercard ad will serve as fodder for taunting Manning and Colts fans. Last year's “Dee-caf...dee-caf!” still may have some mileage left in it, but 2004's epic “Cut that meat! Cut that meat!” is still the standard bearer. Maybe in this year's commercial Manning will pretend to be a fanatic supporter of a Mayflower truck driver. Karma's a bitch, Colts fans.


(below: what Will Leitch calls "Chesnning")

19 comments:

Basshole said...

Love the line at the end of the YouTube clip of Peyton Manning "trying to be a good teammate".

"Eli is a crying bitch, too."

Unsilent Majority said...

fear the manning-stache

btw, where are these "good people of baltimore" you speak of?

Jimbo said...

"yer eyes are purtier than renee's, anyday big boy"

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

Well done, again! I think I'm starting to like you guys better than deadspin. I wanna kiisss you.

I like PEyton's new direct TV commercial where they show him running up the score on Tennessee, throwing the ball with a 28-3 lead. What a dick.

Otto Man said...

WTF? George Hamilton as Evel Knievel? That's almost as ridiculous as his role as Hank Williams Sr. in "Your Cheatin' Heart."

But, for my part, I'll always remember him from films such as "The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing" and "The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington."

lange said...

Here's something for your list of things you don't know about the Colts.

5. Jim Irsay, current owner of the Indianapolis Colts, bought Jack Kerouac's manuscript scroll of On the Road for $2.43 million at a Christie's auction.

Or, does everybody already know that?

The Last Unitard said...

My life has gotten so much better since I started blaming my personal failures on my offensive line.

"I'm trying to be a good teammate here, but that dead hooker was supposed to go in Saturday's trunk."

J.J. Gittes said...

UM -- They're at the Diner.

But I think the Colts are going to surprise everyone and make it to the "Big Game*" this year...and then fall on their faces.

* I'm in advertising, so I can't say Super Bowl...aw, shit.

Anonymous said...

I like to think the colts are all square with karma after Baltimore stole the Browns from Cleveland and promptly won what would have been Cleveland's only championship, but Johnny U still holds a grudge so maybe they aren't all square.

BigTDog said...

Dungy + Manning = Stockton + Malone

Always outstanding together. Better than most. Hall of Fame work. Never a champion.

Unsilent Majority said...

Manning - Dungy = Manning

Dungy = ZERO

doug_plank said...

"They tend to be better looking than Bears fans"

Find someone from Indiana with a full set of teeth first, and then start comparing.

Christmas Ape said...

Wait, why would Colts fans whine about the Polamalu call? Out of habit?

MK said...

Colts fans aren't good fans. First of all, you can't be a real football fan when your team plays indoors. There's something about dome games that subtly encourages all the fans to wear polo shirts and pleated khakis. Maybe the giant indoor spaces makes it feel like a convention.

Two, the Colts have WAY too many shenanigans going on at their games. Fireworks? A guy riding a motorcycle onto the field? When you have that garbage because you can't get fired up for a home playoff game, you should flog yourself with your polo shirt.

Third, the home crowds weren't, uh, always sellouts before this recent run. That's the mark of true fans.

PUBoiler78 said...

*Raises hand* I'm from Indiana and I've got a full set of teeth. Never had a cavity neither.

Love the Colts, but Peyton reminds me more of Marino each year. I hated Marino because of his body language and how it was never his fault that a pass was incomplete.

A.R.P. said...

I don't think it's domes that are responsible for the "jerkifaction" of fans. It may have something to do with the upper-middle class country club gentry being the only ones who can afford season tix. Indoor, outdoor, regardless: if you've got good seats at a football game you will hear the words "Chad" and "Golf" at least once and you will see an obligatory "popped" collar (I hate that shit, enough already, Fonzie is dead).

Unsilent Majority said...

"upper-middle class country club gentry being the only ones who can afford season tix"

sorry

Radish said...

Wow. You're a moron. :)

jeff said...

Long time before the colts win a superbowl, eh? Nice. And you know Irsay personally to say he is an asshole? And Addai can't replace James, eh (he just made it to the probwol his 2nd year and lead all rookies in rushing his first year)? And apparently you know of Dungy's plan for replacing offensive starters a round a core group (Manning, Harrison, Wayne, and Clark). Yes, you are a moron.