KSK's on-going preview of all 32 NFL clubs rolls on with the Indianapolis Colts, the team whose 13-0 start last year almost made Nick Buoniconti, Bob Keuchenberg and a few other pricks worry about their fruity little yearly champagne toast. Let's do this...
Four things you might not know about the Indianapolis Colts:
1. The original Colts franchise started out as the Miami Seahawks in the old All-American Football Conference.
2. New kicker Adam Vinatieri is Evel Knievel's third cousin
3. The Colts obtained the pick used to draft Marvin Harrison (110 touchdowns, 53 100-yard receiving games) from the Falcons as part of the Jeff George trade.
4. Late Colt owner Bob Irsay was a total cock.
Colts fans seem like a pleasant enough bunch. They tend to be better looking than Bears fans, thinner than Packer fans, and smarter than Browns fans. Colts fans aren't nearly as offensive as their neighbors to the east, the misanthropic drunks that follow the Bengals. Even in the face of the Troy Polamalu travesty, they whine less than Seattle fans. Still, the way Indianapolis stole its franchise from the good people of Baltimore makes it difficult to pity Indy fans too much. Not to get too Ramakrishna (or even Earl Hickey), but if you believe in karma, it's going to be a long time before the Colts win a Super Bowl.
Since 1999, the Colts average a 12-4 regular season record. Yet each ensuing post-season has seen the Colts go down like a tranny hooker on Eddie Murphy. At this point, we know the deal. The Colts will cruise through the regular season (including a Guy Fawkes' Night win in Foxboro; inevitably on a Vinatieri kick) and then, in predictably spectacular fashion, they will choke big time in the playoffs. Manning turnovers will be a factor. It is a foregone conclusion. Done deal. Fait accompli.
Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning have the unique ability to make a 3-4 defense look more daunting than Chinese algebra. In the divisional playoff loss, when he wasn't getting dumped on his underachieving ass, Manning was pointing, flapping, waving and flailing like a Times Square traffic cop, trying unsuccessfully to pick up Pittsburgh's disguised blitzes. After the game, instead of addressing his own deficiencies against the 3-4, Manning chose to throw his under-coached offensive line under the bus. What a tool.
On offense, the Colts are trying to replace Edgerrin James. Simply put, Edge > Dominic Rhodes + Joseph Addai. Much to the chagrin of fantasy football owners, it will be running back by committee in Indy. This isn't one of those good committees either, we're talking about the House Subcommittee on Specialty Crops and Foreign Agriculture Programs here.
On defense, the Colts can bring it on the pass rush. Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis are bona fide studs against the pass. We look forward to another season of broadcasters riding Bob Sanders' jock for his run-stopping ability, while overlooking the fact that his pass coverage is, at best, reminiscent of Elvis “Toast” Patterson.
Look for another gaudy regular season for the Colts. However, the only eminent post-season drama involving the Colts is which goofy Mastercard ad will serve as fodder for taunting Manning and Colts fans. Last year's “Dee-caf...dee-caf!” still may have some mileage left in it, but 2004's epic “Cut that meat! Cut that meat!” is still the standard bearer. Maybe in this year's commercial Manning will pretend to be a fanatic supporter of a Mayflower truck driver. Karma's a bitch, Colts fans.
(below: what Will Leitch calls "Chesnning")