Thursday, August 10, 2006

You Can Be A Hall of Famer!


The Pro Football Hall of Fame inductions were this past weekend. All the great players were there! You know: Dan Dierdorf, Tommy McDonald... real fucking legends of the game! Now you might think that getting into the Hall of Fame is a difficult task. Perhaps you think you need to rack up huge statistics, or win Super Bowls, or make an indelible impact on the game to make the Hall. Not so! For you see, I, Big Daddy Drew, have uncovered a simple program that will make me a bonafide Hall of Famer! Complete with urine yellow blazer and a bust that looks nothing like me!

On the surface, you might think this a ludicrous idea. After all, I didn't even play pro football. In fact, I only played two years in the NESCAC conference, and that's only because NESCAC teams don't make cuts! And even then I didn't get to play! I just stood on the sidelines and thought about beer and pussy the whole game! I didn't get to bring the water out. That was a backup's job. If the starter and backup ever got injured, they would have another backup play out of position because I couldn't block two X's on a Tic Tac Dough board.

But that hardly matters if you want to get into the Hall of Fame! Football skills aren't what the 39-man board of embittered dipshit writers value. No, they value kindness above all! Why, take it from SI's Dr. Z, the world's foremost doctor of autoproctology. Here he is talking about the Hall of Fame chances of coach Dick Vermiel!

Dick Vermeil, though, has made nothing but friends throughout his career, and he'll be rewarded right away. Sure, I'll vote for Dick. He sent me a case of that great cabernet he makes in Calistoga. You bet I'll vote for him.

Goddamn right you will, Paul! Who cares if Dick Vermeil didn't win as many Super Bowls as Tom Flores? He sent you a fucking crate of wine, and that makes him a great coach!

But let's assume Dr. Z is being facetious on the wine. Perhaps he could give an even more ridiculous insight into the Hall's voting process!

Last year at the Super Bowl, (Warren) Moon was out there doing radio or TV work, I can't remember which, for some station in Seattle. We started talking about the Hall of Fame. He was too polite to ask me what his chances were, but I brought it up and told him he had a hell of a good chance. He didn't think so. He thought the field was too strong. I told him, "You have a good shot because everybody liked you. You never stiffed anybody and you were always friendly and cooperative. I don't want to take anything away from your qualifications as a player, but those selectors in there are also writers and they have long memories. Their memories of you are all good ones." I hope I made him feel better.

I'm sure you did, Dr. Z! Because once Warren Moon found out that all you had to do to make the Hall was be nice to the media, he knew he was Canton-bound! Even though Moon never took his team to a conference title game, and had his career numbers inflated by playing in a run-and-shoot offense, he was "friendly and cooperative," and that's what makes him a true legend! Way more than Thurman Thomas, who was the lynchpin of four consecutive Super Bowl teams in Buffalo. That guy was a prick!

In fact, if you're not nice to the media, that clearly makes you a crummy player. Why, just look at Art Monk! Monk refrained from talking to the media during his career in Washington, so maybe he wasn't such a good player after all! Right, Dr. Z?

Catching 800 eight-yard hooks does not make a Hall of Famer.

It's so true! Even though Monk averaged 13.5 yards per catch during his career, his total dickheadedness to the media totally knocks that average down 5.5 yards! So you see? All you have to do is play your cards right with the group of slovenly, pathetic asswipes who are arbitrarily assigned as gatekeepers to the Hall, and you're a shoo-in! That's how Frank Caliendo got in last week! So I've created this to-do list that will help me curry favor with some particular Hall voters. Wish me luck, not that I'll be needing it!

Michael Wilbon, Washington Post - Send naked photos of Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley; complimentary VIP passes to the Deja Vu club in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Discuss various topics through the complex prism that we call "race". Agree with him that liking the NFL Draft is totally stupid, even though millions of people like the NFL Draft and harm no one by doing so.

Paul Zimmerman, Sports Illustrated - Send case of Yellow Tail Shiraz, mustache trimmer, sample colostomy bag kit, bondage photos of Flaming Redhead.

Peter King, Sports Illustrated - Offer to take down dull, non-salacious photos of daughter on website. Send free DVD of "House", plus copies of "An Inconvenient Truth," "Bowling for Columbine," and anything else that appeals to self-absorbed, surburban liberal dipshits. Oh, and two True Miguel Tejada foul balls.

Sid Hartman, Minneapolis Star Tribune - Send year's supply of Kellogg's All Bran.

Ron Borges, Boston Globe - Send pictures of naked 8-year-old boys and clown suit.

Bernie Miklasz, St. Louis Post-Dispatch - Send the severed testicles of Rams team president John Shaw; case of pistachios.

John Clayton, ESPN - Buy drinks, tell him that the rest of the 48 contiguous states also fucking hate Sean Salisbury.

Jerrett Bell, USA Today - Send copy of Strunk & White.

Len Pasquarelli, ESPN.com - Send entire hotel pan of clams casino, plus day-old caesar salad.

See you in Canton next summer. My wife will be inducting me.

UPDATE: I'm not much of a Skins fan, and I think that it's fair to debate Monk's place in the Hall. It's just Dr. Z's tossed-off arrogance that makes me want to turn green and smash things with impunity.

46 comments:

grungedave said...

Simple HOF equation:

being nice to media outweighs drugs and whores (LT), continual wife-beating (Moon) and not even being a dominant player (too many to name).

In contrast, being surly to the media also outweighs productivity (Monk), multiple Super Bowl wins (Monk again, and a bunch of Dallas Cowboys) and being the heart/leader of a dominant team (Michael Irvin).

robustyoungsoul said...

Brilliant, especially the point about Warren Moon. I like how Dr. Z actually manages to degrade Moon's qualifications immediately after saying "I don't want to take anything away from your qualifications as a player."

Will Leitch said...

OK, if you don't mind me saying, that was outstanding.

CU Buffs said...

Gary Zimmerman won multiple super bowls and was one of most dominant lineman in the last 15 years, but didn't talk to the media, therefore he is not in and probably never will get in. Like Monk, they are just trying to prove a point for some reason.

doug_plank said...

Is that a picture of two old gay men looking at their committment anouncement in the Burlington Bee?

A.R.P. said...

I don't think there's a point involved, it's just that some playazz treat football as a profession and are reluctant to share their personal lives with the media.

I heart Michael "CokinHooker" Irvin.

nutbag said...

HIlarious. Although i do miss FKS this helps get me through.

Anonymous said...

Who are you, Elaine Benes? Enough with the exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!

Great read, though.

Monday Morning Punter said...

The "Vu" is actually in Windsor, but it's only about an hour drive from Ypsi...Ditto Will.

Lord Jorts said...

There is in fact Deja Vu in Ypsi--at least there was 4 years ago, and all the girls were sweet education majors at EMU just trying to make a little cash on the side....not that I was in that joint or was forced to drink their non-alcoholic drinks.

However, Cheetah's is definately in Windsor and they definately accept two dollar coins as tips

Monday Morning Punter said...

Motherfucker, I should have just kept my mouth shut. We have to make a run for the border, but that was back in [date redacted].

Lord Jorts said...

Cheetah's was even better back in the [date redacted] days when the Canadian dollar was worth about 60 cents american...it was like 4 titties for the price of 2!!!--and then I turned 21 and no longer needed Canada in my life

Monday Morning Punter said...

**had...

I'm too busy today.

HofC said...

King's stubborness with regards to Monk makes me want to photoshop something horrible being done to his daughter. Now only if I knew where to get a picture of her....

NFL Adam said...

If Marcus Allen can make it in (with only three 1,000 rushing yard seasons) it's not that exclusive of a party.

msakraid said...

OK, that't it. I am officially adding you as a "must read" along with EDSBS and Dead Spin.

Anonymous said...

Apparently just about anyone can write a piece of shit NFL blog too.

Basshole said...

Man there's a whole lotta hate coming from these anonymous posters.

http://www.chicotown.com/pics/silky_johnson-chappelle.jpg

Unsilent Majority said...

don't forget Wilbon's Kir Royale.
great piece drew.

Unsilent Majority said...

diabolical indeed. nice to see anonymous hates things besides me.

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

Bernie Miklasz is the one guy on that list who deserves those gifts.

Make sure you add a bottle of Ruffino Chianti for Sal Pal.

Unsilent Majority said...

just don't forget to FedEx Mike Wise's head to Leonard Shapiro

by the way, check out some of shapiro's old stuff from the post, his takes on monk are fantastic

The Last Unitard said...

Anonymous is upset because there's no action on his NFL blog, "At the bottom of the dogpile and lovin' it".

A.R.P. said...

I think that's right next to my blog. It's not so bad.

Dakota said...

Peter King is a one of the biggest boobs in the sports writing world. But like a broken clock even King is right twice a day.

Here are Monk's averages on the Skins. I'll spare you the indignity of counting the Jets/Eagles years, and even round up to the next whole number.

64 Rec 868 Yards 5 TD's

Gross. He is the Harold Baines of football he had a couple of good years but hung around long enough to pile up some gaudy career stats.

If Art Monk should be in the HOF Rod Smith and Keenan McCardel are virtual locks. Since they will have put up the same career numbers in less years then Monk.

irishcharlie said...

Brilliant, fucking brilliant.

Well, except for the Art Monk sycophancy. Did he throw you his sweaty game jersey after you gave him a Coke, or something?

A.R.P. said...

He's just a classy dude, have you seen the moustache? Very nice.

Anonymous said...

The Art Monk debate is an interesting one. If TDs are the measure of a great WRs success, then Monk was not among the greats.

Monk certainly has superior numbers than Lynn Swann, who should defintely NOT be in the Hall.

Captain Caveman said...

If y'all are focusing on Art Monk, you've missed the point of the post.

A.R.P. said...

The point, as I've brought up in other monumental comments, is that John Clayton looks like a mix between tweety bird and a pig fetus. Sorry to have strayed so far from the focus Dr. CC.

shamu said...

You guys forgot to send Dr. Z a shotgun. You know, for chasing those kids off his damn lawn.

Tom said...

The Vu in Ypsilanti does still in fact exist. Wilbon, I'll see you there.

Unsilent Majority said...

Art Monk is just a good example of the joke that is HoF voting. Everybody at SI seems to loathe him.

A.R.P. said...

Sports journalism is just too unsophisticated to hide its biases. Why do we report on sports? Why do we care what these douches have to say? I think it's just a bunch of guys who are taking control via rhetoric for lack of physical accumen. I guess it's a power thing.

Dakota said...

Captin,


I get it the point about the writers voting, you're spot on. IMO its a fucking disaster that a guy like Sid Hartman (who is older than dirt) gets a vote. Christ he is lucky if he can still remember where is wrinkled wiener is, let alone what impact players actuallyl had when they were playing.

I'll stop overfocusing on Art Monk what KSK stops inserting his name into every damn footbal post:)


KSK rocks, though, don't get me wrong!

A.R.P. said...

wrinkled wiener.

Ookdilla said...

Does Carl Monday know about this? I'd love to see him trying to chase Dr. Z around his front yard, shoving a mike in his face and asking him if he thinks it is right to sell a HOF vote for a case of cheap cabernet. I think Z would make Mr. Cooper seem cool and collected.

MeharvanRED said...

I had ties with Warren Moon whn he played in Edmonton. My mom was his banker. SHe handled al the Emdonton players accounts. She said he was an ass. And also, i have vivid memories of him storming through autograph sessions without a backward glance and being an all round prick in Edmonton. (btw he was the best QB of all time for the Edmonton Eskimos of the CFL, not in my opinion) By Canadian standards he was a son of a bitch. I guess his stint in Canada must of humbled his ass in the NFL. Maybe not..

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

Warren Moon doesn't belong in the hall, I don't care what anyone says.

When I watched him as a kid, he was just "Warren Moon". Never did anyone I know look at him like "Wow! The great Warren Moon!!", like we did with Elway, Montana, and Marino.

Monk and McCardell (when he hangs 'em up) are borderline.

Keenan's put up decent and consistent (never quite great though) numbers for a long time, but usually has played in relative obscurity. He has a ring, even though he was the #2 receiver on that Bucs team (behind Meshawn).

I say, NO to McCardell, YES to Monk (teams passed a little bit less back then), and YES to Rod Smith.

PS. Lynn Swann isn't in for big regular season numbers. He's in because he played HUGE in the Super Bowl. He came out of his SB appearances with a shitload of receiving yards, 4 rings, 1 SB MVP, and one all time highlight reel circus catch.

Sometimes it's not how much you do, but when and where you do it. You can come up with a lot of big games against the Lions in Week 4 of the regular season.... but can you pull off a huge performance in the Super Bowl? That's a different question. (I'm looking at you Payton Manning.)

MeharvanRED said...

To inadvertantly defend Warren, he went to the Grey Cup nearly every year he played for the Eskimos and performed and won many huge games. His combined total yards in the CFL and NFL, along with Doug Flutie, is massive.

FuckingBrian said...

So, should Kenny Stabler be in the Hall? I've always thought that was an injustice.

Unsilent Majority said...

Take your CFL crap over to Mr. Skeets' domain.

Anonymous said...

Rippers, rippers everywhere, and not a drop of cabernet to drink.

Listen, if you had the intelligence of a kumquat, you would know that ...

Sorry, the Flaming Redhead just walked in wearing the strap-on (a delightful novelty that we picked up in Paris before embarking on an exquisitely memorable tour of French vineyards). It's time for me to take my medicine.

Like MacArthur, I shall return.

NFL Adam said...

McCardell will pass 1,000 receptions in three years if he averages 58 receptions per year. That will make the 1,000 mark meaningless and keep jokers like Tim Brown out of the Hall of Fame.

MeharvanRED said...

But when talking about semi-contemporary big name cflers/nflkers, Warren, Doug Flutie and Jeff Garcia are definite standouts. Jeff wont make the hall, but I think Doug should.

And please, the nfl would be deprived of the amazing ontribution made by our cfl crap. Like for example that spot kick made by Doug last year. I thought that was humourous.. (i hate the nfl)

Nyssa23 said...

Great, now I'm even more freaked out by Ron Borges. Yikes.