Wednesday, August 9, 2006

Sifting Through the Clarett Wreckage


Kissing Suzy Kolber is not a website for Type A individuals. If you're reading this, you're probably lazy. It's okay: we are, too. Feels pretty fucking good most days.

Ooh, but then something like the Maurice Clarett story goes down, and you really want to read that Deadspin thread, but there are already 100 comments within half an hour of it getting posted, and as of this [updated] writing it stands at 208 comments and counting. That's more than anyone should have to sift through.

So here it is. Here is the Cliffs Notes version of the thread. I took the liberty of adding a few links so you can get the full picture more easily, and I even included two of my own comments, because EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT!

Roy Keane: Guns in the trunk...bulletproof vest...the dude's unemployed...maybe he was on his way to Columbine High for a job interview?
Roy Keane: Too soon?
Scott Senay: Didn't the diagram yesterday show the entire body can be used for a taser? Now all you need is a vest? Was he wearing full body armor?
Captain Caveman: Yikes... I haven't seen a mugshot that bad since Yasmine Bleeth.
Sh!tShow: Clarett, Cooper.... man, people in Ohio can't keep their weapons concealed.
Barry Lutz: You hate to see something like this happen to such a good kid.
rsr26: "after he was placed in the paddy wagon, he was still kicking at the doors..." Paddy wagon?! What did Boss Tweed have to say about all this?
Captain Caveman: See, a lot of people might think four guns is too many. I'd say it's not enough, as long as Clarett was on his way to help Morpheus escape.
Rockin Joe Stalin: Well, at least this opens Mo up to try out for running back at State Penn.
Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah!: That prison jumper looks pretty worn in. I wonder if it has Clarett's name and number on the back of it.
Spanish Necktie: What the hell are you doing with a gun and a hatchet? What, in case somebody steps to you Snoop Dogg?
Big Daddy Drew: You know who I blame for this? The Jews.
Big Daddy Drew: Look out for Maurice and the rest of the gang this fall on ESPN Sunday NFL Countdown!
AcilletaM: BDD, more like ESPN Sunday NFL Lockdown
Chowday: "Ohhhh license and registration....I thought you said handle of vodka and hatchet...I was way off"
Hit Bull Win Steak: he didnt even refer to any of the police as "sugar tits?" What kind of arrest is that? Clarett disappoints once again.
WiserTime: Grey Goose? That guy has issues.
William: Clarett's entrance music for the WWE could be "I Shot the Sheriff, Then Got Tased By The Deputy."
Fearson: How the hell can this man afford Grey Goose?
The Fan's Attic: Fearson, with 4 loaded weapons, a bulletproof vest, and a hatchet he could probably "afford" a lot of stuff.
flubby: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

UPDATE: Photoshop genius twoeightnine has drawn our attention to this little bit of brilliance, which pretty much says everything:

(Yes, this is a pretty fucking lazy post in its own right. What can I say -- I was inspired by Simmons's column today. And in our defense, we at KSK Headquarters are extremely busy hammering out the details of our Fantasy Funny League. More on that soon.)

21 comments:

twoeightnine said...

you forgot the limited edition trading card that is now available: http://static.flickr.com/74/211063512_64505a5e45_o.jpg

Anonymous said...

In a related story, Tressel is ponying up on his bet to Shannahan for 1$

flubby said...

Turn the machines back on!
Turn the machines back on!

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

CC, I for one, appreciate this column as my work firewall decided to block Deadspin as "pornography" late last week, completely out of the blue.

As for Clarrett, who hasn't commandeered their uncle's SUV, drank heavily, stored 4 loaded guns and a hatchet, and driven wrecklessly? This all seems reminiscent of Grand Theft Auto. I guess we're just lucky he didn't run over a pimp and pick up a hooker, only to run her over and get his money back after she got out of the car.

Unsilent Majority said...

hoff, deadspin is pornographic, will did full frontal last week

Tom said...

This morning was one of those classic Deadspin commenting events and I'm pretty pissed I missed it.

flubby said...

Who gave Mo that shiner-- Dee-Bo?

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Can't a heavily armed, drunken ex-football player enjoy the $3.99 Barnyard Buster in peace?! Is this not America?!

A.R.P. said...

I razy american blogger.

I don't know if this was in the Deadspin megathread, but, according to the WashPo, MoMo's lawyer is named "Nick Mango." I believe he's with the prestigious Mango, Banana, Guava L.L.P.

TheBigO said...

Ok, we all know this cat ain't right in the head. But what I wanna know is, what the fuck was he planning on doing last night w/ 4 guns (one of which being an assault rifle) and a 5th of vodka, with a bullet proof vest on????? I mean there are people alive right now that wouldn't be if he hadn't been stopped. This cat is the dumbest muthafucka I have ever heard of. If you feel the need to ride that fuckin dirty, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PULLIN ILLEGAL U-TURNS???? You stupid fuck. If you ride dirty and drunk as fuck, TRY to drive as legally as possible, just a fuckin bit of advice. My mind is just boggled at the stupidity of this dude. Don't ever let this cat out w/ the general public ever again, ever, fuck it.

A.R.P. said...

It's in Nick Mango's hands now friend. Let us pray he is as incompetent as his fruity name would suggest.

Beban said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Beban said...

Too...many...jokes
Must...get...oxygen...
Guns...hatchet...vest...vodka

Will Leitch said...

I am very saddened to hear that Deadspin is blocked as "pornography." My father would be very proud, however.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Goddammit - I'm away from the internets for a fucking day and this breaks out?! I have the worst luck ever.
And yes, I am lazy as fuck and am reading/posting here instead of slogging through all that cleverness at deadspin.

Unsilent Majority said...

i'd be willing to wager that Maurice was getting ready to go out on a robbery. based on his level of preparedness (and all my knowldege of cbus) i'd say coke dealer or bookie.
either that or he is delusional

keep it in your pants leitch

Scott said...

You have no idea how good I feel for making the final cut of comments.

Basshole said...

I am very saddened to hear that Deadspin is blocked as "pornography."

Will, it was only a matter of time when people start throwing around the terms "gash" and "furburger".

flubby said...

Great, now we're pr0n too.

The Fan's Attic said...

yes, i'm glad i made it into your comments cliff's notes, too. especially since i was late into the game.

and, mango, the guy from SNL is clarett's attorney? this isn't good.

AcilletaM said...

Fuck yeah! I made the highlight reel! Mom's gonna put this one on the fridge fo sho!