Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Better Know a Team: The Jiggywires

We in the sports world know Jacksonville for two things: its lone professional sports team, the Jaguars, and its ability to host a Super Bowl that sportswriters bitched about endlessly.

Oh, but the things this vile 'ville have visited upon our culture - from a nu-metal-rap supergroup that captured the imagination of the Dead Tree Crew for years to come, to emo scum Yellowcard, and slow... ass... rapping... Ma$e... is... from... there... as... well. It's also the most populous city in Florida. This means the city has more Floridians than any other place in existence, save the line snaking up to St. Peter. And Jacksonville is named for Andrew Jackson. Yes, Old Hickory, the ugliest motherfucking president ever. God, he makes us look like us put Max Shreck on the twenty. Can't wait until Bushopolis gets a team.

So what I'm saying is Jacksonville is a festering, feculent blight on our otherwise proud nation.

But the Jags are coming around again to the respectability they enjoyed in the late '90s. In three years under Jack Del Rio, they've gone from 5-11 in '03 to 9-7 in '04 to 12-4 last year. Hell, they were the only team to beat both Super Bowl teams last year - even if the win over the Steelers was courtesy of a Tommy Maddox special.

Byron Leftwich continues to amaze by being the most gifted athlete in the NFL when playing while hurt. Fred Taylor astounds us by how often he gets hurt.

And their punter, Chris Hanson, has given us endless grist for the pederast mill with his weekly exposes on Dateline. Keep fighting the good fight, Chris.

Their offense took a hit in the offseason with the retirement of that guy from NYPD Blue and the West Wing and in response, the team picked every fucking player that ever went to UCLA in the draft, including a fine luxury automobile on loan from the campus.

With Smith gone, the passing game looks to the deceptively fast, deceptively tall, deceptively white quarterback-turned-receiver Matt Jones. His was a decent rookie campaign last year, you know, for a white guy. He scored five white touchdowns and gained 432 white yards. Let's hope he can generate something -- even though the defense is stout and they were 12th in the NFL in scoring, it seemed like the Jags won all of their games 13-7.

This is a big year for you, Jaguars; things are on the up-and-up, but you're still trailing your '95 expansion brothers, the Panthers. When you both made a conference title game in your second season, we all took notice. Frankly, we were impressed. But the Panthers've been to a Super Bowl. Win or lose, that puts them ahead. That makes them the Marlins to your Rockies, the Diamondbacks to your Devil Rays. You don't want to be the fucking Devil Rays, do you? The Devil Rays don't wanna be the Devil Rays.


Mike said...

"You don't want to be the fucking Devil Rays, do you? The Devil Rays don't wanna be the Devil Rays."

That is probably the best concluding line of a piece of writing EVER.

Garth said...

Delmon Young, Evan Longoria, Scott Kazmir, Elijah Dukes, and B.J. Upton just called. They said they don't mind being part of one of the most talented corps of young baseball players of all time.

garth said...

And yes, I get the joke and analogy.

Still, the D-Ray's young people are downright scary as a Royals fan, with a pretty talented young crop of kids coming up themselves.

Oh, boy. I've gone too far. How to tie this back in to the actual post?


You're with me, clever wordplay of Jackson and Jacksonville?

I'm so sorry.

Otto Man said...

Never before has a team's uni colors better reflected the crappiness of a city. Sparkly gold leopard prints with bright teal accents? Stay classy, Jackholes.

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

Eva Longoria? Jimmy Smits?
Is this

mutoni said...

"He scored five white touchdowns and gained 432 white yards."

i think that deserves a spot in their press guide

monconfrere said...

Invite me to Deadspin? I vant to lay the smackdown to the guy who doesn't know what generalize means.


"You don't want to be the fucking Devil Rays, do you? The Devil Rays don't wanna be the Devil Rays."

That might not be the best last line evah, but it's better than how Tom Friend ended that Maurice Clarett article.

"The slammer."

jason said...


Here are a couple of starting points:

Matt Jones:
"Matt, how does practicing in jean shorts effect your sprinting and route running?"
"We wear athletic shorts or uniform pants with pads in practice."

Steve Smith:
"Seriously, what was it like growing up around Papa Smurf? What is he like when not on television?"
"The Smurfs are a cartoon, they're not real."

Andrew said...

Congratulations, KSK. With this "Better Know a Team", you've officially finished one half of your NFL Preview.

You might want to step it up though if you want to finish in time for the season.

Still to come:

Bills, Bengals, Steelers, Ravens, Browns, Colts, Titans, Broncos, Chargers, Giants, Cowboys, Eagles, Bucs, Panthers, Falcons, Saints

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

I'm a big fan of you guys and your site, but I'm sorry I just can't read about the Jagz. I've been told they were in the playoffs last year though I don't remember them playing. Are they an NFL team?

Beban said...

As a UCLA alum and spokesmouth, I would just like to promise everybody that Maurice Drew does not hate your nerd ass. I promise.

Anonymous said...

Go Jags! (Yes I realize this makes me a fan of the one of the least repped teams in football but hell, when you grow up in north Fl and the city of your birth gets a team when your 12 then youR STEP MOM Baby sits team memebers kids and you livew in the same neighborhood they do, well you get attacthed, so go Jags! Plus you gota love they way the ended Marino's career with one of the most hellacious beatdowns in Playoff history). --

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

Quick fact about J-ville:

It is only the most populous city in Florida due to something known as "City-County Consolidation".

To make a long story short, it means that if you live in Duval County (the county which houses Jacksonville), you are a resident of the city of Jacksonville.

In other words, the Duval County line and the Jacksonville city limits are the same thing.

It's kind of wierd, because there are signs on the roads in the middle of the woods that say "Jacksonville City Limits"/"Welcome to Duval County" about 25 minutes away from anything resembling a city.

PS. Indianapolis is also another fine example of "City-County Consolidation". (Thankyou State and Local Government class!)

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

PS. Garth, they say the same thing about the Pirates young talent every year too.