Weekend Round-Up: Will the Regular Season Never Start?

Week Two of the preseason: 30% less crappy than Week One! (Links go to ESPN.com recap.)

Friday
Bengals 44, Bills 31: Chad Johnson scored a touchdown! Yes! What did he do? "I asked the ref if I could celebrate. I offered to pay his fine. He said, 'No.'" HORSE SHIT. I don't want to live in a world where Chad Johnson asks permission to celebrate touchdowns.

Browns 20, Lions 16: Kellen Winslow, after looking sharp while playing the first half: "I'm not nervous. I'm not pressing and I'm out there having fun... Oh yeah. I'm looking to dominate." He then lost his right leg when he was attacked by a mountain lion.

Bears 24, Chargers 3: Another game where the Bears do more than two-thirds of their scoring with defense and special teams, which raises the question: If I made a headline for this that said Bear Shits in Woods, would you think that it was in reference to the unsurprising ways in which Chicago scored, or would you think that Kyle Orton drank a handle of Jim Beam with Natty Light chasers and passed out in the forest behind his house?

Orton doesn't like getting caught in the rain......but he will drink the shit out of some pina coladas
Saturday
Dolphins 13, Bucs 10: Daunte Culpepper looked healthy, sharp (7/9, 86 yards), and ready for lap dances. Anchors aweigh! To the champagne room!

Panthers 17, Jaguars 10: At last, the answer to an argument I had in first grade: Panthers can totally beat up Jaguars. Now if only we could re-name some other team the Ligers...

Packers 38, Falcons 10: The headline on ESPN: "Favre, Packers' offense not half bad in rout of Falcons." Not half bad. Man, even AP journalists are getting in on the snark. Favre: 2 TD passes on long scoring drives, plus zero INT's for the second straight game. Note to fantasy football players looking for a dark horse: Brett Favre is merely toying with you.

Texans 27, Rams 20: Last week: Mario Williams looked unimpressive, Reggie Bush electric -- Man, the Texans are idiots! This week: Mario Williams creates pressure, batting down a pass and getting a tackle for a loss -- See? The Texans aren't so dumb! Yep, only twenty more weeks of this.

Patriots 30, Cardinals 3: Matt Leinart looked especially sharp in his NFL debut, taking home two BU co-eds after the game for his first pro threesome.

Broncos 35, Titans 10: The Denver running game churns ever forward, like the Nothing or Unicron -- an unstoppable juggernaut the entire movie/season that inevitably falters in the third act. Vince Young scored on a 13-yard run in the 4th quarter, for any fans that happen to be registered voters of ClayNation.

Vikings 17, Steelers 10: Big Ben started and threw a TD pass despite his thumb being injured for like the 17th time in his two-plus years in the league. Helmetless Super Bowl Yinzer Bettis Detroit joke hahahahaha. /slams head against desk

Jets 27, Redskins 14: Wait, the Jets won? Seriously? Did Washingon only put nine men on the field?

Sunday
Seahawks 30, Colts 17: 'Hawks third-string QB hopeful Gibran Hamdan looked solid during his playing time in the last five minutes of the fourth quarter, don't you think? What? You mean you weren't watching?!?

Raiders 23, 49ers 7: Believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are that this wasn't the televised Sunday night game. Watch out, people! The Raiders are 3-0 in the preseason. You know what that means: the guys fighting for roster spots on the third string are TERRIFIED of being unemployed in Oakland.