Friday, August 11, 2006

It's a Shame, Really; Their Fans Were Always So Gracious

Welcome to another installment of KSK's ongoing series, Better Know a Team. Today, the New England Patriots.

There's not much going for Boston these days. The Celtics and Bruins have stopped existing altogether, the Red Sox just got swept by the Royals to kick off their late-summer meltdown, and even the vaunted Masshole fans don't bitch with quite the same authority or volume that they used to. Just ask a Patriots fan: he'll tell you that the Pats-Broncos playoff game last January was the worst-officiated game of the postseason, yet somehow the Seattle fans bitched about their team's raw deal more loudly and more famously.

Be ashamed, Boston. Be very ashamed. When your fans are getting out-bitched by fans from the West Freaking Coast, you've lost the edge. (Of course, Steelers fans will point out that their team got the worst calls of the playoffs yet still managed to win. Assholes. Like, okay, good point, but not everybody gets lucky enough to play Peyton Manning when it counts.)

Bent over and ready

What else are Boston fans talking about? According to Bill Simmons -- and this thought is echoed by friends of mine from New England -- they want the cool uniforms in which they won championships gone, and the pansy-ass Pat Patriot brought back. Hey, I understand being nostalgic -- I'm cheering for the Seahawks while they wear a perversion of blue and electric green, after all -- but seriously? Shut the fuck up and enjoy your tasteful new uniforms. Be glad you're not in monochromatic burgundy or something.

Not all that gay, given the presence of a tri-corner hat

The fans, bloated with the delight of four championships in as many years, have lost their edge, a sure harbinger of the next three generations of championship-less Boston sports. To celebrate, I've compiled the top five things to watch as the Patriots dynasty crumbles like a statue of Ozymandias:

1. Ohmahgah Tom Brady is the clutchest quarterback ever and he's so sexy what a true leader we love you Tom LOLOL!!! I'm calling bullshit on Tom Brady. I'm not questioning his abilities as player, mind you, but as a playa. Listen, there's no denying that Bridget Moynahan is hot. She is a positively beautiful woman. But she's seven years older than Brady -- she turns 36 in a month. At that age the only role available to her is the token old-but-hot chick on "Law & Order: We're Running Out of Names." I'm sorry, but if I were a three-time Super Bowl-winning quarterback and I had a jaw cut from granite, I'd feel entitled to a Victoria's Secret model, not someone whose biggest role was in The Recruit (plus: ew, she touched Colin Farrell).

Anyway, the rumors that they had broken up started last February when Brady was seen in Detroit partying and hitting on women. This was, you may recall, about the same time as his Super Bowl coin toss, ranked by an SportsNation poll as the most clutch coin toss in all of sports history.

2. Bill Belichick is going to lose his shit. Maybe not this year, maybe not the next, but someday, when the Los Angeles Saints become the 31st team to steal a Belichick protege by hiring his 17-year-old offensive coordinator, Coach Bill is going to flip out and start nailing every married forty-something receptionist in New Jersey.

3. Adam Vinatieri, Indianapolis Colt. Nope, no chance this will come back to bite them in the ass.

4. Tedy Bruschi, delicate yet resilient. In one of 2005's least publicized stories, linebacker Tedy Bruschi, who suffered an offseason stroke that was caused by a hole in his heart, returned to play midway through the season, shoring up a defense that had previously looked like this. (Do you think the surgeon who worked on Bruschi listened to music in the O.R.? I would have gone with Clarence Carter and Extreme on loop.)

Right now Bruschi's out with a broken wrist-- wait, WHAT? A broken wrist and he's not playing? And I was led to believe he was a warrior. Yawn. Wake me up when he comes back from Hodgkin's Disease or, I dunno, arachnoid cysts or something.

5. Popular player cast-off watch begins... NOW. Lawyer Milloy: heart of NFL-champion defense; released days before season opener. Ty Law: 36 INT's for the Patriots, tied for the team record; released. Adam Vinatieri: 2-for-2 in Super Bowl-winning kicks, not to mention a 45-yarder in a blizzard to send the Tuck Rule game into OT, plus the game-winner in OT; not franchised, signed with key rival. Willie McGinest: record holder for playoff sacks (single game and career), cornerstone of franchise; cut.

Man, the Patriots locker room must be the closest thing in America to a Warsaw ghetto circa 1940: "Who else is there!? Watch that holdout, Deion Branch, or your ass is gonna get cut. Tom Brady doesn't need receivers to win... What, you don't like it, Tom Brady? Better shut yer yap -- you think Bill Belichick can't win with Matt Cassel? Matt Cassel learned from Pete Carroll, man! He was ready to take over for Leinart, and he's ready to take over for you... You there, the All-Pro defensive end, Seymour! Get ready to re-structure your contract -- the team is only $15 million under the cap, and the front office needs more money to not re-sign its best players."

Sorry, Boston, it's over. Don't blame me, I'm just a "traveller from an antique land."


Beban said...

Boston fans are the most passionate athletic supporters in the land. They live and die with their teams. They really care. I know this because they tell me every 4.2 seconds.

You've won championships, the curse is over, and the Patriots are very good. You win. I give up. Boston replaces New York as the center of the universe. Cask'n Flagon rocks.

Just avoid being hit by pieces of the Big Dig, keep your seminary graduates away from my nephew.

And I didn't even drop a Daryl Stingly joke. Stay classy, me.

swing4 said...

Note: When you apply for the KSK Public Relations Intern job online, you will be required to answer the following questions:

1. YES/NO: Do you enjoy talking to people you have never met?
2. YES/NO: Do you have a general knowledge of baseball?
3. YES/NO: Do you consider yourself very outgoing?
4. YES/NO: Do you understand that this is a part-time position?
5. YES/NO: Have you ever made love just before breakfast?
6. YES/NO: Have you ever made love while you watched the late, late show?
7. YES/NO: Have you ever made love on a couch?
8. YES/NO: Have you ever made love on the back seat of a car?
9. YES/NO: Did you make love yesterday?
10. YES/NO: Did you make love last week?
11. YES/NO: Did you make love last year?
12. (For Unsilent Majority's applicants only) YES/NO: Do you like having Kanye West lyrics whispered lovingly in your ear while you make love?

Mike said...

That was an awesome post, CC. But you have to give us West Coast fans credit. After we finally get a good team to the Super Bowl, only to get screwed by the refs (and the team does a little bit of choking), we represented and made our anger known to the entire country. Plus, you forgot about the Raiders fans. The Raiders may suck, but their fans are still insane.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Women in their mid-to-late 30s are typically much hornier than their twentysomething counterparts.

Plus you have the added benefit of them already having dealt with broken promises and shattered dreams while in thier 20s. I can dig it.

Unsilent Majority said...

swing, when it comes to passion i switch it over from Kanye to Sly Stone

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

Hey, that was very disrespectful to Tom Brady. Genuflect.

By not picking the Patriots to win it all you run the risk of getting struck by lightning like the beginning of Jason Lives.

Tom Brady is god. Genuflect.

And he has sexual intercourse with males.

Joey D said...

If Boston fans are the most passionate fan base in the land, then Seattle definitely has the smartest.

Nice post.

--Cited Ozymandias.
--Ripped the Patriots.
--Brought up XL officiating.
--Ripped the Steelers.
--Ripped the "T.B.'s."
--Brought it all back to Ozymandias.

Could Seattle be the West-Coast Boston? The teams certainly lose enough, but I'm not sure there's quite enough hatred of African Americans to really pull it off.

Anonymous said...

did you guys have a bet on who could work in "arachnoid cysts" into an article first?


crappy_editor said...

definitely bang older chicks, its like a worked piece of leather that is really really moist and they want it worked out everday. i would love that. ashton kutcher too, not saying hes the greatest, but he definitely could have gotten any girl he wanted, went with the older woman with a family no less.

the pats rule. i hope they dominate the shit out the season and tom brady ends beating the shit out of peyton manning right after the coin toss.

FuckingBrian said...

Nice Persy Byshe Shelly reference.

I find we don't get enough of those in sports blogs anymore.

But anyway, Boston fans wouldn't be so bad if they weren't so convinced that they have suffered more than any other fan and tell you about it at EVERY DAMN OPORTUNITY. But seriously when the Celtics have won it all a little over a dozen times, the Pats have won 3 out of the last 5 and Boston gets mentioned every fucking night on sportcenter you kind of start sounding a little bit like a bunch of asshats

Son of Brasky said...

"This was, you may recall, about the same time as his Super Bowl coin toss, ranked by an SportsNation poll as the most clutch coin toss in all of sports history."

Well played sir.

I hate Boston. What a bunch of Morons. Somehow, you dillholes find yourselves comparing a DH hitter to one of the 5 greatest basketball players all time? Unbelievable.

I agree with MMP. Nothing wrong with an occasional cougar hunt.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Let's see... since 1983, Boston has won 3 NBA championships, 3 Super Bowls and 1 World Series. The city of Philadelphia would therefore like to invite all still-whining Boston fans kindly to STFU.

AcilletaM said...

MMP is right on all points. Plus they know a thing or two that the twentysomethings don't (or at least don't have to be taught).

Christmas Ape said...

On the first mention of the Steelers, the team name should always be preceded by the "The 5-time Super Bowl Champion."

It's in the AP Style book.

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

I hate Boston sports fans, let me make that clear.

But Seattle fans, I KNOW Boston sports fans... you're no Boston sports fans.

There has to be more than a couple thousand of you before you can step into that league of crazed sports fan.

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

Let me add though, that the fact that such a small fanbase bitched so audibly after the Super Bowl WAS impressive.

I have to give SOME credit here!

(And yes, the Steelers did get the worst calls of the postseason and won anyways. We actually got an apology from the league, after they tried everything possible to get Peyton to a Super Bowl short of banning the silent snap count... wait, they've done that too now?!?! FUCK!)

Red Line said...

Since the ESPN Red Sox are off the schneide and the Patriots are now a powerhouse, can Cleveland claim the mantle of most tortured sports city? The old Browns had red right 88, the drive, the fumble, the defection to Baltimore. Thus far the new Brownies have a listless Courtney Brown, lame Gerard Warren, Lt. Kellen Evel Knieval Winslow, a Braylon Edwards ACL tear, William Green stabbed with a steak knife, LeCharles Bentley's patellar tendon, and Tim Couch.
The Cavs have never won a title (though Black Basketball Jesus may remedy that), and the Tribe has the Curse of Rocky Colavito, 1954, 1995, 1997, Manny left, Thome left, Albert Belle went insane, and Victor Martinez can't throw to second. No industry left, all the young people leave (guilty as charged), Mike Cooper, Carl Monday, Ken Blackwell may be the next governor, and the only thing anybody ever knows about the city is that the river caught on fire. Yet Clevelanders suffer in silence, and remain some of the most loyal fans in the league.
Um, I forgot what my point was. But that felt good. Go Browns.

Beban said...

Somebody get Poison Control over to red line's house. That confessional looked a little suicide noteish to me.

Hang in there, buddy. You'll win one eventually. Okay, probably not, but hang in there.

Son of Brasky said...

I feel your pain red line.

Unfortunately, Boston won't relinquish the mantle of 'whiniest sports town' anytime soon. They've won at least 1 title in the each of the 3 big sports in the last 20 years. That's better than just about any other town in the country, including NYC.

Douche Bigelow said...

"Just ask a Patriots fan: he'll tell you that the Pats-Broncos playoff game last January was the worst-officiated game of the postseason, yet somehow the Seattle fans bitched about their team's raw deal more loudly and more famously."

Don't blame me, I wrote a 4,500-word column on this game on Page 2 (now viewable if you're an ESPN Insider! Become an Insider today and get access to all my older, better shit!) And you better believe I hit my readers over the head with this game during the course of my 10,000 word NFL preview next month. There's better odds of that than of me getting out of the first round of the WSOP.

-Bill Simmons

Becky said...

MMP - Don't forget those of us in our early 30's. Everything you said, plus we are still working hard to stay looking young...

Jimbo said...

wow. Extreme? Hole in my heart? Really? nice.

Jacques Bauer said...

Hey I couldnt drag thru all this vitriol so here's this:

Vinateri is a huge loss--that 53 yard FG last night was a stake thru my heart

Belichick losing his shit--maybe or maybe not. He's been all over the papers for his alleged affair with some bim from the Giants organization and his supposed reconciliation with his wife and his "questionable" roster moves, but until the Pats go 9-7 this year he is untouchable

Lawrence Maroney will knock Corey Dillon on his ass

When Rodney Harrison comes back he will make or break the team--mark my word on this

And I want to go to Miami for the Super Bowl this year so GO Pats!!!

swing4 said...

"The city of Philadelphia would therefore like to invite all still-whining Boston fans kindly to STFU."

Chamomile, I would just like to add a soul clap and an "amen".

BURMA! said...

Yeah, yeah, poor Cleveland.

How about Ohio in general?

How about Cincinnati? No baseball playoff appearances since the batshit crazy, racist, dog-hair rubbing owner was tossed out. The Bengals first decent team since the Icky Shuffle sees their season end with their star QB getting Theisman-ed, followed quicky by a significant portion of their roster coming out on the wrong end of law enforcement, and have bassically sucked for all but a couple of years in the eighties.

As far as Philly fans go, I'm not sure they deserve a championship team. They might not be as whiny as Boston fans, but they boo a guy if he doesn't fart correctly, and give death threats to a guy who saved 43 games.

And don't bring up games 4 and 6. He threw an inning ending double play ground ball that Hollins threw into right field in game 4, and Carter has said that 9 of 10 times he fouls off the pretty good pitch Williams' threw in six. Plus, If Roger Mason wasn't yanked, Williams might have been facing 8-9-10 instead of the heart of the order.

BURMA! said...

Oops. Not 8-9-10. Clearly playing too much softball. I meant 7-8-9..

Chamomiles Davis said...

Au contraire, burma!. Farting correctly will yield quite an appreciative round of applause from our fair city.

And to quote the great Clint Eastwood from Unforgiven, "Deserve's got nothing to do with it." Give us a friggin' championship (and make it snappy), or somebody's getting hurt.

NellyVikes said...

Actually, X-mas, the stylebook would say "...five-time..."

Web said...

You are all just jealous.

The Pats last year were decimated by defensive injuries and still finished #1 in the AFC east and made the playoffs.

We are grateful for all our recent success(luck) and therefore cut the bitching in 1/2. You can't win every year -- but why not every other year?

Besides. The Pats (as I see it) at least play close games which keep Superbowl's interesting. That should count for something for true sports fans -- The casual "my team isn't playing I don't care fans" will never be happy.

Brady is King, quit hating results.

NY can't even buy a championship.