Friday, August 25, 2006

What The Hell Happened The Other Night?

Monday Morning Punter will act like he knows shit about FF throughout the year.

Without fail, I have at least one moment during every FF draft that I feel like a blind nun trying to masturbate with an upside-down barstool. And when your league has 16 teams, those moments are even more likely to, uh, come. And they come quickly.

In this column, we'll walk through Monday's FFLXDSP draft, as I saw it, and try and figure out what kind of team I have, as if anyone has any sort of clue before the season starts.

Our Roster Regulations and Scoring Rules:

Scoring Type: Head-to-Head
Start Scoring on: Week 1
Can't Cut List Provider: None
Max Moves: No maximum
Max Trades: No maximum
Trade Reject Time: 1
Trade End Date: November 17, 2006
Trade Review: League Votes
Waiver Time: 1 day
Post Draft Players: Free Agents
Playoffs: Week 16 and 17 (4 teams)
Roster Positions: QB, WR, RB, TE, W/R, W/R, K, DEF, BN, BN, BN, BN, BN, BN

Stat Categories: Passing Yards (50 yards per point)
Passing Touchdowns (6)
Interceptions (-3)
Rushing Yards (20 yards per point)
Rushing Touchdowns (6)
Reception Yards (20 yards per point)
Reception Touchdowns (6)
Return Touchdowns (6)
2-Point Conversions (2)
Fumbles Lost (-2)
Offensive Fumble Return TD (6)

Field Goals 0-19 Yards (3)
Field Goals 20-29 Yards (3)
Field Goals 30-39 Yards (3)
Field Goals 40-49 Yards (4)
Field Goals 50+ Yards (5)

Point After Attempt Made (1)
Sack (1)
Interception (2)
Fumble Recovery (2)
Touchdown (6)
Safety (2)
Block Kick (2)
Points Allowed 0 points (10)
Points Allowed 1-6 points (7)
Points Allowed 7-13 points (4)
Points Allowed 14-20 points (1)
Points Allowed 21-27 points (0)
Points Allowed 28-34 points (-1)
Points Allowed 35+ points (-4)

Fractional Points: No
Negative Points: Yes

The First Thirty-Two Picks Are The Hardest

I'm picking 15th. I don't expect to see any marquee players left on the board when I pick. But I'm also picking 18th on the way back through the order for Round 2, so I should be able to pick up 2 decent players (I'm hoping for RB-RB) and then wait 45 minutes until my next pick. I am already flipping out before the draft starts, as people can't get into the chatroom I arranged for the draft, but also, I cannot get the Draft Room chat copied or pasted to anyone else. Motherfucker, motherfucker.

Iracane picks first and takes LT, which surprised me, and a few others, and he takes some shit for it from the other owners, including me. Personally, I don't expect LT to perform up to his standard with a new quarterback, In my 6 FF drafts up to that point, this was the first that LT went first. Hey, that's the beauty of picking at No. 1, you get whoever you want.

Rusty picks Larry Johnson at No. 2, and Mr. Poon gets my favorite of this elite trio, Shaun Alexander, in the 3-hole.

Will Leitch is picking at No. 4 and Big Daddy Drew is in the 5-hole. Before the draft, Drew emailed me and asked for my input regarding his first round pick, assuming Tiki Barber was off the board. I really thought 4-11 were interchangable picks, but agreed that Tiki would not fall to him:

As for your # 5 pick, I really like Ronnie Brown this year. He had 900 yards last year, while he was splitting time. I would even put him in front of Edge; I'm just not buying the Cards this year. If you think Portis will get PT in week 1 (I do, at least some,) he would not be a bad choice, either. Hope that helps

But Will shocks most of the room and takes Ronnie Brown, leaving Drew to jump on Tiki like a dog in heat, while simultaneously taunting Will for the Brown pick (which I still like, but am in greater awe of Drew's multi-tasking). Jefferson DArcy takes Rudi at No. 6, no real surprise, and Good vs Evil selects Stephen Jackson at No. 7.

Unsilent Majority, our resident Redskins fan/apologist, can't believe his luck as Clinton Portis has fallen to him. UM takes Portis, who should be ready to play by Week 1. The rest of our round looks like such:

9. The Gentleman Masher
10. Tom
11. BigTDog
12. The Dude
13. GoinYostal
14. Suss
15. Monday Morning Punter
16. Footsteps Falco, who is auto-picking his team.

I expect the remaining second-tier RBs to be gone before I pick, along with most of the first-tier WRs and maybe even Peyton Manning. I am considering wavering from my RB-RB strategy and just grabbing whoever might be left. This is like picking 10th in a 12-team league, without a first round pick. I am going to go 0-15 in my own fucking league and look like a shit-eating asshole.

Cue the barstool.


The Gentleman Masher, perhaps fumbling for a barstool of his own (or acting on sheer cunning accquired from his Stump The Schwab appearance), takes Peyton at No. 9. Suddenly I think I might get a Top-10 RB after all.Tom takes Steve Smith at No. 10, and now I'm almost sure that I will.

But then Lamont Jordan and Edge leave the board next, and Yostal picks up a Cadillac in the lucky 13-hole. Now I feel like shit again, as I know Suss will scoop up McGahee and leave me sitting in a steaming pile of Torry Holt. Motherfucker, I shoulda rigged this damn draft when I had...

...but then Suss takes Marvin Harrison at 14.

I stop.

Deep breath.


Find McGahee.

Click his name.

Click DRAFT.

I have my running back.

The first round was little odd, and with HAL 5000 making two picks for Falco on the corner, I don't know what to expect to see on the board when I return with the 18th pick. I am considering another RB on the way back, and when HAL picks Larry Fitzgerald and Chad Johnson(and with TO burning my ass last year), I really have no choice.

I narrow it down to Brian Westbrook and Willie Parker. Westbrook gets more touches, but Parker can score from anywhere on the field, and hopefully will get at least some goal-line carries this season (Hindsight: probably not). I take Parker.

Suss pops the TE cherry with Antonio Gates at 19. Yostal makes a quasi-jingo-ist pick with fellow Michigan alum Tom Brady to round out the top 20. Westbrook is next. Then TO.

Then Tom takes Reggie Bush at 23, and I could have thrown my cheat sheet out the window at this point. Fewer people are talking shit at this point, as we are all slowly realizing that every subsequent pick would be scraped off a shoe in any other draft. I realize I'm not the only one whose confidence is shot to hell. Holt, Tony G, The Offensive Roy Williams go next. Randy Moss, 'Quan, Domanick, Julius, then Hasselbeck and Droughns are selected to put the second round out of its misery.

I don't want to say I threw my notes out the window at this point, but I really had a case of panic. I took a QB with my next pick, and then had to scramble to put together a WR corps. I look at teams like Tom, Suss, and even GoinYostal, and I don't think my team has the balance that theirs do. I feel like, to some extent, that I am already stuck in a rather deep hole.

Here's how my team turned out after it was all said and done:

QB - Delhomme

RB - McGahee

WR - Galloway
Reggie Brown

TE - Troupe
C. Anderson

K - Longwell

DEF- Seattle

Yep. So I don't know if I shit the bed during the draft, or what. Maybe I don't know enough about FF, but I know enough to realize that this team, uh, blows. But that's it. 0-15, here I come...

Manditory Update in Italic Font: BigRicks and friends are in one of the two other Deadspin commenters' leagues, and their draft review is as thorough as it was prompt. Nice work, fellas. I look forward to being "demoted" to your league for 2007.


Skeezer said...

i actually kind of like your team. that running back set you have should be pretty good. cowher actually named parker his goal line back at least for the time being so thats a bonus. the wide reciever core is kind of weak. but hey maybe brown will step up.

Basshole said...

I had McGahee last year and that motherfucker pissed me off. He started off ok and I thought he was really going to have a good year, but he never came through. I continued to leave him in, in hopes he would deliver. Nope. Doesn't help that their QB situation last year (and this year) is a mess.

Your draft doesn't look great, but you can make some moves in free agent pickups to help yourself out.

Unsilent Majority said...

MMP, lets work out a deal. i've got some interest in terry glenn and i'm itching for a trade

Rob I said...

You can say what you want about me picking LT at #1, but know this much: HE GETS RESULTS, YOU STUPID CHIEF!

Rob I said...

There's a Mary Beth's Box team in the AAA league too?!?! WTF

Kevin said...

I had the 15 pick as well in the Ocho deadspin league.

QB D. McNabb
WR A. Boldin
WR A. Toomer
RB C. Williams
TE M. Lewis
W/R D. Foster
BN L. Maroney
BN Mi. Vick
BN V. Young
BN A. Chatman
K J. Brown
DEF Indianapolis

here's to praying for Marcedes Lewis and Vince Young to be huge.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Kevin, I think your team would smoke mine. UM, what are you willing to give up?

Satchmo said...

MMP - I don't think your team is bad at all - your WR depth doesn't look so good at first, but if Simms is such a good sleeper pick this year and he does bust out, then Galloway should have a great season, and McNabb has pretty much no one else to throw to besides Westbrook and Reggie Brown.

I think you're better off than one might think at WR.

In fact, the only place I might be worried about for you is QB - Steve Smith's hamstring is really making me nervous.

But then again, in the Deadspin AAA League, my starting QB is Kurt Warner.

Unsilent Majority said...

satchmo, will is starting warner as well

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

That lead picture is freaking hilarious. Between Galloway and Glenn, Id be concerned about injuries at the WR spot. Neither guy is the most durable in the world. And McGahee is a good back- but unless Losman can play decent QB this season, defenses are just going to stack 8 in the box to stop him.

Satchmo said...

My team is actually somewhat similar to Will's

I had the #5 pick, and with Stephen Jackson going #4, I took Ronnie Brown.

I also have Ahman Green and Kurt Warner, although I got Green with a later pick.

BoSox Siobhan said...

This is definitely not my idea of fantasies involving football players. In my world, it's Siobhan, Tiki Barber and Shaun Alexander.

Unsilent Majority said...

siobhan can't resist black dudes...except of course for ronde barber. that's cold mongoose.

PUBoiler78 said...

I'm doing FF for the first time in many years on yahoo. Had the #3 pick and picked up Tomlinson, Ronnie Brown, Fred Taylor, and McNabb in the draft. Not that anyone cares. Glad I got in a league with a bunch of dummies who wasted high picks on QBs and WRs.

Your team's not that bad, MMP. With those RBs you could go 2-13.

The Dude said...

We had the same thought process with Westbrook and Willie. Once you took Wille, I took Westbrook ... although I preferred Willie.

So buck up ... you got a Willie and I don't.

A.R.P. said...

I don't care about FF whatsoever, I didn't even read this post. What I do care about is that little honey sleepin' all by her lonesome. Looks like she sure could use a man blanket.

Becky said...

Siobhan, I can get behind your choice of Tiki Barber, but Shaun Alexander - though I love him for winning my league for me last year - looks FAR too much like the animated hamburger singing "Everybody Wants Some" in the film classic Better Off Dead for my tastes.

I'm sorry, is that weird?

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

I can not believe you guys put up that picture of my sister.
Have you no sense of decency, sirs?

Unsilent Majority said...

if you think that's bad, you oughtta see what mmp did to her after the picture was taken

a Pimp named Slickback said...

There's nothing better than bustin a nut all over a white chicks face.

Otto Man said...

I had the corner pick in my 12-man league and went with McGahee and Manning.

I almost went with Parker instead of Peyton, but it's a 6pts-for-passing-TD league and I'm a sucker for fake mustaches.

Tom said...

Stay tuned as my draft self-destructs.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Does anyone else think a safety should be worth more than a pick or fumble recovery?

That's always driven me batshit about FF.

Unsilent Majority said...

rich unkle, in my other league we bumped up the value of a safety...they're special

Suss & The Family Stone said...

Really? My team has balance? If by that you mean each part of the team is equally strong, then you are correct. Now, how strong each part is has yet to be determined.