Monday, August 14, 2006

Weekend Round-Up: Watch Out for Them 'Coons

Scores and highlights from a lame-ass weekend of NFL pre-season "action."

Detroit 20, Denver 13: This game came down to the final play, which might have been exciting were it not the third-string determining the outcome of the game. Bad news for Detroit: game doesn't count. Bad news for Jake Plummer: Jay Cutler looked pretty damn good. Bad news for Jay Cutler: it was against the Lions... the Lions' second team, at that.

Tampa Bay 16, New York Jets 3: Chad Pennington played two series, looking strong after consecutive shoulder surgeries to his throwing arm. He even showed off his arm strength by going deep with a couple of 15-yard out patterns.

Atlanta 26, New England 23:
The big story coming out of Atlanta is punter/kicker Michael Koenen, who's looking to expand his punting and kickoff duties to include field goals afer making four of them against the Patriots. "I have reservations about it," Coach Jim Mora said. "I can't say he won the job. I liked what I saw tonight, but I'm concerned about having a guy do all three jobs." Yes, because punting five times throughout the course of three hours may make him too exhausted to kick a field goal.

New York Giants 17, Baltimore 16: Steve McNair survives one series uninjured. Punch lines Jeremy Shockey (concussion) and Ray Lewis (coach's decision) sit out. Wait a sec, Shockey's STILL got a concussion from that one hit in practice two weeks ago? Yeah, I have "concussions" on a lot of Monday mornings when the Sunday night game runs late.

San Francisco 28, Chicago 14: Brian Griese looked good for the Bears, suggesting that maybe Rex Grossman (3/11, 47 yards, one knee remaining) and Kyle Orton (4/9, 42 yards, .18 BAC) aren't the best choices to lead your franchise to an NFL championship. For the Niners, Alex Smith looked "strong... to quite strong" while "Bachelor" hunk Jesse Palmer played well enough to get a rose from coach Mike Nolan.

Arizona 21, Pitsburgh 13: Will Leitch rejoices at meaningless Buzzsaw victory; Arizonans rejoice at three hours of air-conditioning. Check KSK tomorrow morning for a VERY special feature on this game.

Jacksonville 31, Miami 26:
Jags throw 4 TD passes of 50+ yards; Nick Saban posts Craigslist ad after game looking for defensive backs. Daunte Culpepper and Byron Leftwich leave game surprisingly unhurt.

Carolina 14, Buffalo 13:
White receiver Drew Carter and former Seahawk Ken Lucas score first-quarter TDs to lead Panthros to meaningless win. Keyshawn Johnson shines, pleased to finally get the damn ball. J.P. Losman, Kelly Holcomb surprise no one by continuing to suck.

New Orleans 19, Tennessee 16: Tennessee mascot T-rac injures Saints QB Adrian McPherson (who?) with golf cart. No, that's not some kind of typo. High-profile rookie report: Reggie Bush? Very good at football. Vince Young? Not bad, not good, mild ankle sprain. Lendale White? Sat out for spitting on teammate. Second-year "veteran" update: Pacman Jones gets 15-yard misconduct penalty for taunting after tackling Bush after a catch. Good to see that he's grown up.

Houston 24, Kansas City 14:
Mario Williams didn't play very well. And there was much gnashing of teeth in Houston. The Chiefs, desperate to replace Willie Roaf after Roaf fucked up Drew's fantasy draft, played Kyle Turley at tackle. How Herm Edwards didn't get a helmet thrown at him is beyond me.

San Diego 17, Green Bay 3:
Brett Favre, zero interceptions. Jesus wept.

Dallas 13, Seattle 3: Seahawks hear blogger say that it's hard for opponents to win at Qwest, fail to realize they have to play hard for statement to be true. Tony Romo-sexual leads 'Boys to win without the aid of Bledsoe or T.O.

Cincinnati 19, Washington 3: Bengals' non-Johnson receivers look pretty good in easy win; Andrea Kremer most certainly does not. Residents of the capital prepare noose, stand on stool as they await news of Clinton Portis, who suffered a separated shoulder while slamming down a defender after one of the sixteen or seventeen INT's that Redskins QBs threw.


Mike said...

Nice work, CC. The best part was the Chicago QB's stats. What was Kyle Orton drinking before the game?

swing4 said...

CC: Nice Arizona AC crack.

Is Griese still on the sauce? Does he still have that little dog? I think it was a basset hound, or something. I liked that dog.

FuckingBrian said...

I injured myself with my coffee with the Seahawks comments.

HofC said...

Is UM still alive?

If not, I completely understand....

Becky said...

What I like is how in focusing on all the bad, you actually sound like a Detroiter.

Nice to know your Offensive Coordinator is on record as being high on your 3rd string QB out of Connecticut. That's gonna bode well for the season.

Unsilent Majority said...

hofc, you'll hear from me soon enough

Otto Man said...

It wasn't Portis who made that tackle, but rather one of his Super Friends alter egos. I think it was Thunderlips.

doug_plank said...

A sober Griese would be great. Luckily there are not many temptations here in Chicago.

A.R.P. said...

John Madden to Al Michaels in the 3rd "Period" RE: Bengals:
"They lead the league in Johnsons."
Clinton Portis is having a bionical shoulder installed.

Son of Brasky said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Son of Brasky said...

Great recap CC. Currently, no internet or TV at home, so this was all news to me. (insert angry rant against comcast and direct tv here)

I'm axious to see the opinions of all the Redskin homers that frequent this site. I hope this doesn't put an end to any future Southeast Jerome press conferences.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

That Portis take-down was one of the toughest tackles I've ever seen by an offensive player after a turn-over.

lopey said...

Not to be a nerdy-nerd...but Chicago's QB stats were pretty nice...

13/27 223 yards and 2 tds.

Artemis said...

Couldn't be more correct with the Andrea Kremer comment. Her horrid appearance coupled with yet MORE premature Palmer prophecies drew many disgusted utterances from my football crowd. (I thought it was a well-known fact that 1) Women are not really allowed to be sports announcers and 2) If they are, they must be incredibly hot. AK doesn't make the cut by a long shot.)
And in other dreams of embracing my new home football team were shattered as Portis' attempt at being the hero landed Collins and Brunell a pitiful attempt at glory.
So here I sit...noose prepared, standing on chair.

Douche Bigelow said...

It's always great watching your star player get injured going all-out during an otherwise meaningless game. If I were Portis I would half-assed it.

Unsilent Majority said...

douche, portis isn't the type to half ass anything. if they put him in the game he's going at full force