Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Willie Roaf? You, Kind Sir, Are A Bastard


I had it all mapped out, Willie Roaf. I poured through every fucking fantasy guide I possibly could, even that faggity ass Street & Smith's one they must publish a day after the Super Bowl ("2006 could be a great year for the Saints if Aaron Brooks finally gets it together!") I had my shit color-coded and everything. I took into account contract years, bye weeks, strength of schedule, uniform color, average weight, and cheerleader strokability. I had my draft board all set to go, which is a bitch because Yahoo! still fails to understand the concept of Javascript rankings.

My board was prepared. It was beautiful. It was sacred. It told me that Hines Ward is more valuable than Marc Bulger, and fuck anyone who believes otherwise. Many people follow things religiously: the Ten Commandments, the Koran, Starfleet Academy rules, etc. Me? I follow the board. The board rules above all else.

And you had to go and fuck it all up by retiring. Willie Roaf? You, kind sir, are a no-good dipshit fuckface cocksucker barrel-chested assmunching pile of fuck four-eyed bastard.

You dick. You want to go get your degree? Pfft. That's crap. You were put here on Earth for my enjoyment. You're like a Rock-'em-Sock-'em robot, but with my hand up your ass. Your degree has no place on my fantasy board. That's what we call an "invariable". You know who also likes invariables? Communists. Skirt-wearing, Not Dog eating, give-money-to-some-smelly-homeless-person communists.

What do I do with this board now? Larry Johnson was my clear cut #1. But I know damn well the Chiefs offense struggggggled when you missed a handful of games last year. So now I have to do the whole LJ/LT/uh...SA (Dammit, Shaun Alexander needs one of those gay fantasy nicknames, like SeaShaun or S-Lex or Sugar Tits) thing again. All of America has to do it again. All so you can get your degree. In fucking sociology! Sociology is the major for people who don't like learning. You want to study human behavior? Here's a fucking ingenious idea: walk around. There are literally people everywhere you go. And they're usually not as gay as the ones you find on a college campus.

And not only are you retiring for a worthless sociology degree, you're doing it at Louisiana Tech, the only school in America whose very name is a contradiction-in-terms. What tech is there in Louisiana? Will you be writing your term paper on a fucking Osborne? Maybe you could play Adventure while you're at it. Get used to seeing this phrase a lot:

"You're in a maze of twisty little passages."

Asshole.

You should know above all else not to fuck with the fantasy community. We're the second largest lobby in Washington, next to the Oil/Tobacco/Owl Grinding industry. We do NOT play games, my friend. We watch games, and then create a second game based upon the arbitrary statistical results of that first set of games. Does that sound like a group of people you want to piss off? Mike Shanahan learned the hard way. He made us mad and we chained him to a tanning bed for 3 straight weeks just so he would let Mike Anderson go.

Now, thanks to your complete and utter selfishness, I have no idea if Eddie Kennison is worth a 6th round pick or a 7th round pick. You happy? I don't even know what to do with Trent Green, or Gonzo, or fucking Samie Parker. And that affects the whole rest of the board! If the KC offense isn't quite as good, that throws off the entire schedule rankings. It's like the Butterfly Effect, except in this case the butterfly is a big, fat, 400-lb. rib-eating Monarch who also happens to be a self-absorbed dipshit.

You say you have "nagging knee and hamstring" ailments. Oh, boo fucking hoo. I had a hangnail this morning, and I'm at work! What's your pussy little excuse? I bought Sunday Ticket, and you were 1/2000th of the reason why. You owe me a dime. You fucker. I hate you, Willie Roaf. You are totally not a Hall-of-Famer.

UPDATE: The Chiefs traded for Michael Bennett today, which is kind of like paying someone to punch you in the nuts. No one trips over the pulling guard's foot quite like the former Badger. Enjoy, Chiefs fans!

30 comments:

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

Wait. Do you like Willie or not?

Unsilent Majority said...

and fuck Tony Richardson too.
taking lj #1 is getting harder and harder by the week.

bigtdog said...

Wow. I think Lewis Black blushed at your vehemence Drew.

doug_plank said...

And Ahman Green moves up the board.

Anonymous said...

Gold.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

He retired because LJ is nailing his wife.

Nyssa23 said...

You want to study human behavior? Here's a fucking ingenious idea: walk around.

BDD, you rock. I'm totally using this bit in conversation sometime soon.

lopey said...

I have 3 friends from high school who went to college to be a sociology major.

Sad thing, I only had 3 friends in high school.

A.R.P. said...

This has nothing to do with wanting to be Willie Roaf's TA:
Mark Maske and his fat face are doing the blog now. Now we can get inside of the NFL. The use of the term blog is looser than a successful prostitute! Throw a hotdog down a hallway even. I've broken my funny bone.

Anonymous said...

Why don't you just avoid all Chiefs players then. Remove them from the board.

Anonymous said...

Way to be literal, anonymous!

Luis Sojo Jr. said...

It's Michael Bennett vs. Drew Bennett in a who-can-fuck-up-my-fantasy-team-more contest.

Toast said...

Did I just time-warp back to 1985? What the fuck's with all the "Faggy Faggoty Fag Gay Gay Fag Faggy Gay" shit? Is Fred Phelps your ghost-writer?

Unsilent Majority said...

damn toast...he only said it once.

Monday Morning Punter said...

GONNA GO BACK IN TIME !

Toast said...

I count a fagitty and two gays. Seems like overkill.

Unsilent Majority said...

oh, i was just counting variances of the word fag.

ZebraHunter said...

Isn't sociology all football players major when they are getting paid to play in college?

Taco John said...

I love Willie Roaf. His dick is huge.

Nick Athan said...

Do you want to write for Warpaint Illustrated? We're about to have an opening at editor.

Phobia said...

Nick Athan is the gratest. He speel's real neat, and has grate inside sources for the KC Chiefs.

(is that what you wanted me to say, Nick?)

gochiefs said...

I'd love to be the editor for Warpaint. I'll bet I could get an exclusive of me sucking off big Willie while Joe Horn does his wife if you give me a shot!!! If not, I'd settle for a money shot.

jAZ said...

Bush is da debil.

memyselfi said...

Ooops. I'd make a comment but Logical is too busy giving me a reach around.

Anonymous said...

It's our coats , who make these wands out of Opeth...NOW WINGER!

GoChiefs said...

When I think about Willie Roaf, I tough myself

GoChiefs said...

touch I mean! teehee

KaLiBLeeK said...

I miss out on KSK for a couple days, and I almost miss this gem. F**kin' OUTSTANDING.

However, the comments have left a lot to be desired.

ray lewis said...

Thank god now i can do my wogie bogey dance now

Ron_Mexico7 said...

May Wille Roaf feel my sexually inflicted soars upon his face