Wednesday, August 9, 2006

Your Maurice Clarett update...

We are going to forego the obvious Cincinnati tryout joke and cut straight to the chase. The police chase that is. Clarett arrested again last night. Four loaded firearms. Federal pound me in the ass prison awaits.


Update: According to police, after a high-speed chase, they were forced to mace the Pride of the Buckeyes when Clarett's bullet-proof vest protected him from their tasers. Apparently, the only thing that stops Clarett is mace and NFL-Europe reserve caliber linebackers.


20 comments:

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Has being "mentored" by Jim Brown ever turned out well for anyone?

Unsilent Majority said...

mo really knows how to brighten up my morning commute.
kevlar is such a hot fabric this season.

doug_plank said...

Was he "getting his Goose on?"

Unsilent Majority said...

further proof that shanny is incompetent

The Last Unitard said...

3rd round pick. Wow.

Anonymous said...

This must be difficult for Mike Cooper to handle, unlike ...

Never mind.

Anonymous said...

He was on his way to meet Marcus Vick as McDonalds.

J.J. Gittes said...

Someone must've told him that to make it in the AFL, he had to learn the shotgun...

Otto Man said...

I have $5 that says Shanny names him the starting RB for Week 1.

Ryan said...

I'm sure you saw it on Deadspin already, BUT, he also had a hatchet in the car.

A HATCHET!

Very Unlce Buck of him.

Unsilent Majority said...

it was actually a copy of the novel Hatchet
he also enjoys The Other Side of the Mountain

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

You all wish Shanny was coaching your team instead of a geriatric old buzzard and his antiquated counter-trey

A.R.P. said...

Ah-ah, correction: Rich geriatric old buzzard. And the super staff is awesome. If I follow your metaphor through, the buzzard will be eating the corpses of the dead NFL opponents that his team has slaughtered. Because they, the team, are predators and he, the Gibbs buzzard, is there to clean up the meat from the carcasses. And that meat shall be in all of them and make them protein rich with stinky farts so they can go week in, week out, turning the fields of football stadia across this great land into the plains of Africa where the team, predators remember, will kill their opponents and eat the bulk of their flesh, figuratively of course, and the coach, Gibbs buzzard, will pick apart what's left.

Oh, and the counter-trey is a little antiquated, but now we have Colonel Al Saunders to crack his hunting rifle over the heads of so many dead beasts, metaphorically speaking.

Also: Champ Bailey is gay for Jake's snake and Ron Dayne is hungy. Feed the baby. Have fun with Ashleigh.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

My head hurts from reading that.

Enjoy your 8-8 season...again.

A.R.P. said...

You don't know your history well enough, current trends dictate that we must go 10-6, or 6-10, or worse than 6-10.

Please enjoy never winning a superbowl again.

A.R.P. said...

Oh, or go 0-0-16, wouldn't that be something? I think that would be more difficult than going 16-0. Wonder abound in this National Football League.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Yeah...I guess I was thinking of the early aughts Skins (8-8, 7-9, 8-8). I figured I'd split the difference.

A team going 0-0-16 would be the greatest thing ever. Would they make the playoffs?

Unsilent Majority said...

the counter trey is so antiquated that about a dozen other coaches put it in their playbook...beats cut blocking

Anonymous said...

Mike Wilbon's column in today's Washington Post is accompanied by a photograph of the interior of Clarett's car.

In addition to the guns, hatchet (not shown) and Grey Goose, he had a CD of children's songs recorded by Ohio prison inmates (insert Bengals joke here) and a lint filter.

A lint filter.

Just when I thought the Maurice Clarett comedic well had run dry, they pull me back in.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Nothing beats cut blocking. The donks have had the best running game in the league over the last decade. You cant argue w/ results.