Better Know A Team: The Dirty Birds of The ATL

The Falcons are one of the NFL's elite shitty teams. Last year they played in a division that featured Chris Simms AND Aaron Brooks, and only finished 8-8. We're told that's near .500, which isn't too hot. Even the cast of Gilmore Girls came out and said, "Yeah, those guys are nothing special."

But the team does return some award-winners from that 2005 campaign. Unfortunately, these are awards that weren't issued by the NFL. They're not even from last night's Emmys. They were actually awards that I just made up. Because that is very original (hey, at least Drew hasn't done it yet).

Anyway, the categories are...


Outstanding Commercial Featuring A Vintage Cover Of Cat Fancy - Warrick Dunn, Running Back. Dunn, at 5-foot-8, has little versatility, unless you count the two seasons he's played Dr. Foreman on House. Nevertheless, the former Seminole is entering his 10th NFL season, and is expected to reach the 672-yard rushing plateau for the fourth straight year.

Best Performance From A Quarterback Denying A Sexually Transmitted Disease - Ron Mexico, Quarterback. On or off the field, with Michael "Mike" Vick, you just don't know. In addition to not reading defenses, Ron is an avid hang glider, and is certified in Microsoft Access. He also has a younger brother, New, who is a tremendous fuckhead. Arguably the game's most exciting player, the elder Vick's production and development have been stagnant in the past few years. One can hope that his Hepatitus C has followed suit.

Best Name for An End Zone Celebration Doubling As a Euphemism For A Perverse Sexual Maneuver - The Dirty Bird. The Dirty Bird was all the rage during the Falcons' run to Super Bowl OBGYN, back when Dan Reeves was the coach and Chris Chandler was still getting laid. It has been scarce of late, much to the chagrin of only the Jumbotron operator and That Fat Woman Who Only Went To Falcons Games To Express Herself Through The Art Of Phony Dance. But the Bird still flies today, thanks to an alternative interpretation of its name. Sit down here for a second. You see kids, when a man and woman love each other, and the woman wants to get a bit of her freak on, the man will invite over a couple of his friends, and she'll...well, you can look up the rest. Unfortunately, this is one of the few maneuvers where the woman actually has to be conscious.

But anyway, this post-scoring celebration is not nearly the best double-entendre celebration in sports. The Dirty Bird pales in comparison to the "Ick(e)y Shuffle (Cincinnati Bengals)," the "Runnin' A Train (On A Bitch...or Slender Freshman In The Vicinity) (Purdue Football)," the Saskatchewan Hockey Bukkake (from the sport's governing body of the same name), and "The Two-Man Advantage (Duke Lacrosse)." When you think about it, the Dirty Bird is just the chicken dance, with less choreograpy and a sprinkle of autism.

Best First Name Resembling Nomenclature of Underwater Vegetation - Alge Crumpler, Tight End. Alge was the team's leading receiver last year, with less than 1,000 yards. His full name is "Algernon," you know, like in "Flowers for Algernon," but he doesn't like to admit to it. See, the mouse from the story is white, and Alge blames that mouse for keeping his shit down, and plans to find that motherfuckin' cracker and go all mousetrap on his ass. Bitch better have his money, Mr. Crumpler adds.

Most Disappointing Post-Game Interview, When Considering Family Lineage - Jim Mora, Jr., Head Coach. The Junior Mora has been around for a while, won a few games, and scored a couple invites to Tagliabue's crack-and-whore parties. Still, the young coach has not remotely approached the "Diddely-Poo" eschelon of quotation. Then he had to go and improve his defense through free agency in the offseason. We could be waiting a long time for any replay-worthy sound bites from this "coach."

Potential For Comedy Or Other Shennanigans In 2006 - Below Average This team has no real flamboyant characters, no real straws to stir the drink. The best we can hope for here is another .500 season with some embarrasing losses to underacheiving division foes. Or maybe someone will try to get the attention of FS Ronnie Heard, and he'll turn around and say, "What?"

Yeah. It's that bad.