Tuesday, August 15, 2006

KSK GameBook - Raiders-Vikings on MNF


Before I get to my notes from last night's Raiders-Vikes tilt, I'd like to show you this quote from Michael Smith in an ESPN.com article about Sean Taylor:

Redskins outside linebacker Marcus Washington has dubbed Taylor 'Meast,' as in, half-man, half-beast.

That's right. Meast. What a filthy, disgusting word. I know the Skins think it says half-man, half-beast. But what it really says is half-meat, half-moist. And that is just wrong. It sounds like something you'd see in a Tool video. Guhhhhhh. I want Meast added to the KSK lexicon immediately. There should be at least 20 different definitions for it on Urban Dictionary. Let's try using it in a few sentences:

-"I like Andrew Blake's movies, but he tends to show an awful lot of meast."
-"The Manhole has 'Feast on Meast Night' every Thursday night! Just bring your $20 cover and a bottle of corn syrup."
-"Yup, that's a meast infection."
-"I thought the smell was coming from my taint, but it turns out the meast was the problem!"

Anyway, let's go right to my thoughts on last night's Raiders-Vikings preseason tilt. This was the debut of Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football, which is actually just Sunday Night Football, but on Mondays. Sunday Night Football is the new Monday Night Football. And if that confuses you, just remember: the junior varsity broadcast is the one that has Joe Theismann. Let's go!

-As a Viking fan, I was very excited for tonight's game. Until I realized that the Vikings are the only team that can give a 9-7 season a real 3-13 sheen. Good thing they're playing the Raiders!

-I missed the opening of the broadcast, and that's for the best. ESPN is keeping the Hank Williams song for the opening, except they've added an "all-star" band of Little Richard, Joe Perry, Steve Van Zandt, and others to back Hank up. It won't help. The song is dogshit. I am ready for football. I am not ready for NASCAR. That's for Southern fuckfaces. So ditch the song already, ESPN.

-ESPN used two sideline reporters for the game, which reminds me of an old Dennis Miller line: "Hey folks, two of SHIT is SHIT. If they really wanted to fuck you, they'd give you three of these things."

-The new ESPN score box completely fucks me up. It doesn't just look like the Arkanoid. It is the Arkanoid. When it needs to display down-and-distance, it swallows the E powerup and extends out. I expected the football to split into three at any moment, or for the score box to start firing at shit.

-This is the first game to take place right after the Portis injury, so the Vikings needed to protect their most prominent offensive player: uh... guard Steve Hutchinson. Patriots owner Bob Kraft said giving a $16 million bonus to a guard was "insane." Pfft. What does he know about building a winning team? Hey Kraft, go make me some spaceship macaroni, you douche.

-There was a black Viking fan in the stands. Just want it noted. And no, it wasn't Morris Day.

-The first quarter rolled by, and Tony Kornheiser said a grand total of about four words. But we got a glimpse of Tony's potential later on. Tony mentioned that Raiders' o-coordinator Tom Walsh had been out of football running a bed and breakfast (I assume Walsh provides a lovely basket of fresh muffins and danishes at all team meetings). Joe Theismann then, for no reason, stated that Walsh will be more prepared to return to football than Joe Gibbs was. Tony spent the next ten minutes needling Theismann over it, with Theismann (being Theismann) sticking to his opinion for dear life despite its obvious stupidity. We need at least two exchanges like this per quarter to make this whole experiment work.

-Theismann: "I just love Randy Moss on my football team." Uh, okay.

-New Vikings coach Brad Childress is too thin. He looked like the test administrator played by Frank Oz in "Spies Like Us." Aaaaghhh, the pressure!!!!!!

-Good to see Michele Tafoya stealing from Hilary Clinton's wardrobe.

-Dan Marino showed up in an ad for Nutrisystem. Hey, fatties, if a multimillionaire world-class athlete can lose weight, so can you!

-The Vikings traded two third-round picks to move up to draft QB Tarvaris Jackson. Jackson's first action was last night. He was poised, quick, and made good decisions. I'm totally gay for him.

-Since I work in advertising, I'll give you the expert opinion that the Jaguar XK ads are totally spankworthy.

-The Vikes debuted their new unis this game, which looked like something out of the World League of American Football. I can't wait to see them play the Orlando Thunder next week. The World League was headed up by former Vikes GM Mike Lynn, who also engineered the Herschel Walker trade. Quite a resume.

-Suzy Kolber to Aaron Brooks: "What have you been most proud about in your career?" I imagine it was the time Brooks went 12-23 for 184 yards and 3 INT's after downing an entire bottle of Hypnotiq. Seriously, are you fucking kidding me with that question?

-Another Kolber gem to Brooks: "What's it like to get used to Randy Moss' ad-lib style of play?" Oh, I'm sure he loves it when his wideout walks five yards and then sits down on the weak side of the play.

-The biggest play of the game? A 67-yard bomb from Andrew Walter to Morant (No idea on the first name. Tim?). Get used to one good play per game, Raider fans. After that, it's nothing but hideous crowd shots of people like yourself.

-More Kolber. She interviewed 500-lb. lineman and inevitable "Best Damn Sports Show" co-host Warren Sapp. She asked him how being injured last year made him better. That question made my meast itch.

-I made it to halftime of this game, just in time to watch the "Fastest 3 Minutes in Football" segment. Do the people at ESPN know that halftime is 15 minutes long? Take your fucking time. Jesus.

Those are the game notes. I thought the ESPN crew was fairly decent. Tirico was bland, Theismann was mildly improved without Paul MaGuire there to dumb him down even further, and Kornheiser showed promise. The Vikings looked good passing, mediocre running, and great on defense. And the Raiders looked God-awful. But that's the beauty of preseason. Wait until the Raiders un-gel. Then they'll really suck.

UPDATE: The Vikings appear to have lost first-round pick Chad Greenway for the year last night. Fuck. I mean, really. Fuck.

40 comments:

max_bada said...

Was it Prince?

I'm assuming the fan was wearing purple.

Captain Caveman said...

Actually, I saw that fan shot -- there were TWO black Vikings fans. My mind was blown.

This post was full of measty goodness.

flubby said...

Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?

Barry Lutz said...

Thanks a lot for putting the Arkanoid music in my head, you bastards.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

What did Aaron Brooks get on the Wonderlic?

Anonymous said...

Dude, does your wife know you're gay?

Anonymous said...

It was Kirby Puckett's ghost.

Beban said...

Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?

Chillonamill said...

Did anyone see the new ESPN mobile commercial? They are giving $150 to take that fucking phone. Talk about a strategic blunder.

The Dude said...

Hey KSK ... just checking in during my vacation. Great stuff as always.

Excellent Dennis Miller reference, BDD ...

And I've been seeing those Marino NutriSystem ads for some time now. My childhood hero is hawking bad food to the obese (the meastly obese). There is no God.

Unsilent Majority said...

sean taylor knows where all of you live

Chamomiles Davis said...

I second the dude's comment. That was a great Dennis Miller line, which I believe referred to those god-awful 2-for-1 clothing sales at K-Mart: "Yeah, throw in that broqueted dickey too, what the hell..."

Ah, Dennis Miller. Remember when he used to be funny?

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

You know what's kind of upsetting? Having Kornheiser ask a football question and having to rely on Theismann for the answer. I don't even hate Theismann as much as the rest of the world, but Jesus, I do not want to hear him explain football to me, nor do I want to hear him trying to keep up with the Tony's humor.

Also, that Aaron Brooks sideline interview was measty. He was trying so hard to use the right clichés but was not making any sense whatsoever. He sounded like an idiot.

combat chuck said...

Dan Marino has a restaurant here in Orlando. I'll have to go check if they've got Nutrisystem dinners on the menu.

A.R.P. said...

Do you have to eat your meal wearing Isotoner gloves?

Unsilent Majority said...

those meals taste just like a kiss from Finkle/Einhorn

Engineer Sighted said...

I kept thinking during that game last night was that Oakland passed on both Matt Leinart and Jay Cutler.

FuckingBrian said...

There is finally an on-screen scoreboard worse than Fox, congrats ESPNs graphical department.

By the way, Morris Day and the Motherfucking TIME!

Anonymous said...

My favorite Kornheiser comment last night...after Theismann commented on the Tampa 2 defense, Kornheiser tried to crack a joke and said something like "when talking about Brad Johnson...it more like the THIRTY-two defense [break to commercial]".

BDoc said...

Tarvaris Jackson looked to me like Ron Mexico might if he stayed in the pocket for more than half a second.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has noticed the XK ads.

ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos said...

You know who is "measty?"
Holly Mangold, that's who.

Beban said...

So when do we start calling Peyton Manning "Motal Mussy?"

Anonymous said...

Let's leave "meast" for the sex jokes...I'm thinking a better word for sean sean is "Manimal" or "whale's vagina" either one

swing4 said...

So, let me get this straight...did Art Shell used to work for the Raiders or something? Holy F'n Cow! I got it already!! Most drawn out restatement-of-the-obvious ever during MNF announcing.

Drew, you ARE a fucking stallion.

Nate said...

I was just waiting for some halftime fellating of Big Ben for his one-series (read: heroic) return against the Cards on Saturday.

Dear WWL: This isn't a big deal. He played in the SB and he played in the first preseason game. He dumped his bike in the offseason. Leave it alone.

Cory said...

Maybe if Marino would've started NutriSystem while he was playing, he would have a big shiny Super Bowl ring to wear over those Isotoner gloves.

Drizztdj said...

Dude, if he was black, from Minnesota, and at a sporting event it had to be Jimmy Jam.

My meast wepted openly after Greenway went down.

Hopefully the front line will push the opponent's D-line back so far each play even Johnson could trot in for a TD.

Unfrozen-caveman said...

Holy crap, did you see Al Davis? He looked like fucking skeletor with yellow teeth.

Son of Brasky said...

I'm surprised a wrestler didn't think of this as a stage name first.

"The Meast from Cleveland Blvd SouthEast"

That would probably make a good stage name for a stripper as well.

Otto Man said...

It's god to see Al Davis get some screen time now that "Tales from the Crypt" is off the air.

Otto Man said...

Uh, I meant to say it's "good" to see Al Davis on the screen.

"God" and Al Davis shouldn't be used in the same sentence, unless it's "Al Davis disproves the theory of a benevolent God."

A.R.P. said...

I'd really like to make this a great football team, really I would. But I've just been so busy looking for He-Man. Have you seen him? Please, tell me you've seen him.

Anonymous said...

I won twenty on the over/under of six completions made by Vikes 4th string QB, and fellow Cal-Davis alumnus, J.T. O'Sullivan. Made the first Tony game watchable in its entirety.

Jamiroquai said...

Eh. Whatever.

Unsilent Majority said...

Jamiroquai- thanks for chiming in.

Anonymous said...

They showed 4 more black fans in the crowd in the 4th quarter. Well, ok they were 4 white guys in blackface with moss afro wigs on... Does that still count?

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

I liked their touching story of Koren Robinson and his battle with alcoholism. You know, he still meets with his AA sponsor and goes to meetings cause you are never really cured.

Uh oh.

buddhabrad said...

K-Rob= Jail
Greenway= out for the season
What next Vikes?

Karma is a bitch. Pretty soon Steve Hutchinson will be the only guy left on the field.

With love, The Seahawks.

The Last Unitard said...

It could not have been Kirby Puckett's ghost for the following reasons:

1) Everyone knows ghosts are white.

2) Kirby was so fat at the time of his passing that he's still on his way to heaven. He'll get there, though. I don't care how many "victims" he "victimized" in a "bathroom stall".

3) Kirby's ghost wouldn't give a shit about a Vikings preseason game.

Fucking K-Rob. I knew this would happen. And Greenway? Fuck a duck! Next week Brad Johnson will be diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Tarvaris Jackson will retire from football to follow his true calling of smacking measts with some gay-ass blogger.

Jerry said...

Stop the meast references - I was caught crying (with laughter) at my desk.