An Open Letter To Tony Kornheiser

Dear Tony:

You see this guy right here? This is Joe Theismann, your large-prostated broadcasting partner and shining example of why professional football players need thicker helmets. I need to urgently tell you something, and that is that this guy is trying to fuck you over. Now, I'm sure you already know this. It's not as if Joe Theismann has spent his whole life outwitting people. No, his intentions are fairly out in the open. He's like the retarded Iago to your whiter, Jewisher Othello.

Like last Friday night. I had the pleasure of watching the Steelers-Eagles preseason tilt. On one play, Eagles running back Correll Buckhalter busted out a nice run of eight yards or so. This is what you said after the run (paraphrased):

Of course he ran for eight yards. Nobody's seen game film on this guy for 32 years!

Funny joke. And fairly lighthearted, too. But what does Theismann do after you drop that line? Well, he gets all huffy and sniffs:

Well, I'm happy for Correll Buckhalter.

Jesus fucking Christ. Tony, do me a favor. When Theismann says something like this, I want you to reach over and, very discreetly, slap the athlete's dick of Theismann's mouth. Seriously, you can't make one joke about Correll Buckhalter's injury history? It wasn't even that harsh. I've got a million harsher ones in my back pocket. Like these:

-Hey, it nice to see a running back from Nebraska who doesn't like to strangle his girlfriend with a telephone cord.
-I'm just amazed his leg didn't fall off on that play.
-It's amazing to think there's a running back out there more injury-prone than Brian Westbrook, but that's the Eagles skill position players for you.
-If it's Correll Buckhalter, it's gotta be the preseason!
-He went to Nebraska, right? You think he can spell his own last name?

But you can't slip one gentle ribbing in there without Theismann defending a player's honor? This is ridiculous. These are million-dollar athletes and some of the toughest guys around, and they can't take a mild swipe from a fucking broadcaster? I guarantee you these guys take more shit in the locker room every day. And I bet their high school and college hazing experiences included regular games of Cream The Cracker and ritualistic broomstick rape. I'm pretty sure they can handle whatever you have to dish out. But noooo, Theismann can't let Big Bad Tony actually have a little fun at a player's expense.

Are we allowed any non-forced levity at all in football? Then what are the fucking broadcasters there for? Your target audience isn't the players. It's me. And I demand more jokes about gimpy-kneed athletes and subtle Rusty Trombone references. Shit, get drunk during the game if you want. I know I do.

Theismann is hosing you, Tony. I counted multiple times where you dropped jokes and Theismann met them with complete silence. That's bullshit. Al Michaels laughed at all of Dennis Miller's jokes, and Miller wasn't even suited to his job. He was a gifted writing comedian with subpar ad-libbing skills, who tried to shoehorn jokes he wrote days earlier into the broadcast. Your experience in radio gives you a leg up in making smart comments off the cuff. But if you have no one to play off of, those comments go to waste. Or worse, you'll get discouraged from making them.

You need support, and this dickface isn't giving it to you. He's a fucking jock-sniffer. He's like the white Stephen A. Smith, only dumber and with a bigger afro. Mr. Wong say fuck him in the pants. It's not too late to fix this. I'm pretty sure you make more money than Theismann. ESPN courted you for the job, while Theismann probably accepted taking his salary in Brach's Caramels to stay on the air. Go to your bosses and tell them that this guy isn't willing to work with you. Have them bring in John Riggins, who actually doesn't take himself seriously.

And have them bring in Marv Albert to replace the bland and vaguely Asian-looking Mike Tirico while they're at it. He's only the greatest play-by-play announcer in the history of everything ever. And no network will give the guy a job? That's fucking crap. So what if he likes taking a chunk out of the ladies, Max Cady-style? Marv rocks. You, Marv, and Riggo. Would that be an improvement? Fuck and yes.

Get it done, Tony. Millions of my brain cells are counting on you.

Love,
Drew

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that there is an entire euphemistic lexicon used by guys like Theismann to protect players from emotional distress. Joey Harrington "struggled" with the Lions. EJ Henderson has "trouble grasping" the Vikings defense. These players suck. And it kills me that broadcasters don't even tell us the basic truth about shit like this. George Carlin would have a fucking field day with this. Oh, and Christmas Ape would like to note that he strongly dislikes Riggins. Your suggestions welcome in the comments.