Tuesday, August 29, 2006

An Open Letter To Tony Kornheiser


Dear Tony:

You see this guy right here? This is Joe Theismann, your large-prostated broadcasting partner and shining example of why professional football players need thicker helmets. I need to urgently tell you something, and that is that this guy is trying to fuck you over. Now, I'm sure you already know this. It's not as if Joe Theismann has spent his whole life outwitting people. No, his intentions are fairly out in the open. He's like the retarded Iago to your whiter, Jewisher Othello.

Like last Friday night. I had the pleasure of watching the Steelers-Eagles preseason tilt. On one play, Eagles running back Correll Buckhalter busted out a nice run of eight yards or so. This is what you said after the run (paraphrased):

Of course he ran for eight yards. Nobody's seen game film on this guy for 32 years!

Funny joke. And fairly lighthearted, too. But what does Theismann do after you drop that line? Well, he gets all huffy and sniffs:

Well, I'm happy for Correll Buckhalter.

Jesus fucking Christ. Tony, do me a favor. When Theismann says something like this, I want you to reach over and, very discreetly, slap the athlete's dick of Theismann's mouth. Seriously, you can't make one joke about Correll Buckhalter's injury history? It wasn't even that harsh. I've got a million harsher ones in my back pocket. Like these:

-Hey, it nice to see a running back from Nebraska who doesn't like to strangle his girlfriend with a telephone cord.
-I'm just amazed his leg didn't fall off on that play.
-It's amazing to think there's a running back out there more injury-prone than Brian Westbrook, but that's the Eagles skill position players for you.
-If it's Correll Buckhalter, it's gotta be the preseason!
-He went to Nebraska, right? You think he can spell his own last name?

But you can't slip one gentle ribbing in there without Theismann defending a player's honor? This is ridiculous. These are million-dollar athletes and some of the toughest guys around, and they can't take a mild swipe from a fucking broadcaster? I guarantee you these guys take more shit in the locker room every day. And I bet their high school and college hazing experiences included regular games of Cream The Cracker and ritualistic broomstick rape. I'm pretty sure they can handle whatever you have to dish out. But noooo, Theismann can't let Big Bad Tony actually have a little fun at a player's expense.

Are we allowed any non-forced levity at all in football? Then what are the fucking broadcasters there for? Your target audience isn't the players. It's me. And I demand more jokes about gimpy-kneed athletes and subtle Rusty Trombone references. Shit, get drunk during the game if you want. I know I do.

Theismann is hosing you, Tony. I counted multiple times where you dropped jokes and Theismann met them with complete silence. That's bullshit. Al Michaels laughed at all of Dennis Miller's jokes, and Miller wasn't even suited to his job. He was a gifted writing comedian with subpar ad-libbing skills, who tried to shoehorn jokes he wrote days earlier into the broadcast. Your experience in radio gives you a leg up in making smart comments off the cuff. But if you have no one to play off of, those comments go to waste. Or worse, you'll get discouraged from making them.

You need support, and this dickface isn't giving it to you. He's a fucking jock-sniffer. He's like the white Stephen A. Smith, only dumber and with a bigger afro. Mr. Wong say fuck him in the pants. It's not too late to fix this. I'm pretty sure you make more money than Theismann. ESPN courted you for the job, while Theismann probably accepted taking his salary in Brach's Caramels to stay on the air. Go to your bosses and tell them that this guy isn't willing to work with you. Have them bring in John Riggins, who actually doesn't take himself seriously.

And have them bring in Marv Albert to replace the bland and vaguely Asian-looking Mike Tirico while they're at it. He's only the greatest play-by-play announcer in the history of everything ever. And no network will give the guy a job? That's fucking crap. So what if he likes taking a chunk out of the ladies, Max Cady-style? Marv rocks. You, Marv, and Riggo. Would that be an improvement? Fuck and yes.

Get it done, Tony. Millions of my brain cells are counting on you.

Love,
Drew

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that there is an entire euphemistic lexicon used by guys like Theismann to protect players from emotional distress. Joey Harrington "struggled" with the Lions. EJ Henderson has "trouble grasping" the Vikings defense. These players suck. And it kills me that broadcasters don't even tell us the basic truth about shit like this. George Carlin would have a fucking field day with this. Oh, and Christmas Ape would like to note that he strongly dislikes Riggins. Your suggestions welcome in the comments.

60 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

only one problem...i always thought iago was shakespeare's most cunning villain.

irishcharlie said...

Did I enjoy that? Fuck and yes.

The only problem with replacing Theisman (rhymes with "douchebag") with Riggo is that Riggo would be much less likely to make stupid statements that Tony could riff off of.

Yeah, I ended that sentence with a double preposition. Sue me.

Landru said...

Yes, but what music should Kornheiser listen to before he slaps Theesman's lips off?

Unsilent Majority said...

alberts, tk, and riggo would be a personal dream come true.

BigTDog said...

Well done Drew.

mkenny59 said...

fantastic

BigRicks said...

Nothing would please me more than if Tony caught wind of this and referenced it in some form or another. Please tell me this was sent to PTI, The Wash Post and Kornheiser's personal e-mail. Even Simmons can fight off 20,000 bolts of electric current and freaking say something.

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

Last night Theismann said some nonsense that Favre could actually be as good as he was circa 1998. What a joke.

A.R.P. said...

Marv would be great. It's time... we need OJ back on the sidelines. He's been looking and hasn't found anything, so what? Let him scare the fuck out of players, coaches, and especially cheerleaders on the sidelines. Or replace TK with OJ and have him and Marv EAT Theeeesmin.

A.R.P. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Otto Man said...

Joe Theeeeesman is an enlarged prostrate.

Monday Morning Punter said...

I would listen to Marv Albert call a game of catch.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

Everybody needs a patsy in a MNF threesome. Thighsmann be your man.

flubby said...

Correll Buckhalter was deeply hurt by Tony K's choice of words. He will miss 4-6 weeks.

Unsilent Majority said...

nice flubby, very nice

betahat said...

It's pretty awful, but it got me to put MNF on my DVR's schedule, just in case it all falls apart. But come on, the ball hit the fullback!! Or his aura!!

Someone mentioned the TJ Who'sYourMama segment over on Deadspin, but since I'm not a commenter over there I'll drop this clip here. F'ing YouTube is giving me issues on the upload, so it's just a .mov in the post for now.

Masterlock Jr. said...

I tell you, Theisman is the daddy of the NFL - he is "proud" of everyone...except Tony.

The Last Unitard said...

What I don't understand is... how the fuck did Theisman get this job (or any other) in the first place? Is there anyone out there who actually wants to hear him talk? He must suck a mean cock.

I hope he wakes up screaming every night from nightmares of L.T.'s cocaine-and-pure-rage distorted visage.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I heartily agree with the suggestion that Theeeesmann be replaced with Riggo.
My only fear is that Riggo+TK=too much intelligent conversation. One too many references to The Iliad or some such and people will be rushing to change the channel.
That said, if theis plan involves killing Theeesmann, I'm all for it.

Mighty Hubz said...

I think Ricky Williams and Tony should catch him in a dark alley someplace... what a douche.

irishcharlie said...

And what exactly would they do to Theisman in this dark alley, smoke a joint and get sarcastic with him?

Unsilent Majority said...

irish, throw in dinner at the palm and you've got my non-sexual dream night

Basshole said...

Great Post, BDD

A.R.P. said...

Smokin' Al Kokin.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

Theeeeeeesman busted a nut every time Carson Palmer didn't hurt himself throwing the ball.

He was strangely quiet on Favre's fumblerooski.

Unsilent Majority said...

what does smokin al have to do with anything...stupid john thompson show

A.R.P. said...

Wally Bruckner.

Anonymous said...

Riggo should definately be in the booth instead of that boob Theesman

Big Jim Slade said...

I wish Tony would demand- on air- that Theeszeman refer to him as "Kornheezer" for the duration of the season. Apologies if this has already been addressed...

wqvnhtd said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Criminal Appeal said...

I fear your fears have already been realized BDD. Last night, Kornheiser clearly choked back some comment when Theesman name dropped Favre's wife. You could see the tortured look in Kornheiser's eyes. And, as if battling one douche wasn't enough, I'm pretty sure Berman took a cheap shot at Kornheiser as they tossed it back to the studio during the pre-game.

Sophisticajun said...

And Tony, your comments would come across a little sharper if you didn't drag them down by adding "don't you think" to EVERYTHING YOU SAY!

mikeski said...

Brach's Caramel's are pretty good, though.

mikeski said...

Caramels, that is.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Big Jim, in addition to no one having suggested that before, you also have a brilliant screen name. Kudos to you.

Kornheezer. That's fucking brilliant.

the hawk said...

it is clearly a sign that the apocalypse is nigh that Theezman has a job broadcasting the most popular sport in the country to the American public. I have to believe that the collective intelligence of the country has fallen to a sub 4th grade level.

A.R.P. said...

Andy Dick?

HighburyGoon said...

Perfect.

Son of Brasky said...

Why do we have to have 3 people in the booth to begin with? Tradition? I honestly couldn't tell you much about Riggo other than he made a hell of a play on a 4th down once. Honestly, I was surprised Wilbon didn't get mentioned for the MNF job.

Anonymous said...

after Favre did his backward pass Aaron Brooks impersonation thingy Theesman says in his most annoying overly melodramatic voice "Brett Favre did not want to let go of that ball."

Thanks for that brilliant piece of commentary you self important dolt.

A.R.P. said...

Magic Johnson?

dingledangle said...

Finally a post worth reading on this friggin site. Nice work.

Anonymous said...

And uh, just overall in general?Did Theisman make a single comment to the effect Favre sucked ass in that game? Sucked ass last year? I'm sorry, you are not a great QB when you chuck up 29 ints. Maybe you WERE, but jesus, people need to get off Favre's jock. At least Tony was legit.

4sho said...

It's like Theezeman is ESPN's handcuffs in the booth. He kills all of Tony's momentum, which lowers any chance that Tony might insult the Gods higher up at ESPN. It's as bad as Sean Penn's overreaction to Chris Rock's rip on Jude Law at the Academy Awards.

"Correll Buckhalter is one of our finest running backs."

Panger said...

retarded iago? wish i hadn't been sipping coffee while reading that. spent the rest of the morning trying to clean my monitor.

and drewie baby, riggo is an inspired choice.

Matt said...

And have them bring in Marv Albert to replace the bland and vaguely Asian-looking Mike Tirico while they're at it. He's only the greatest play-by-play announcer in the history of everything ever. And no network will give the guy a job? That's fucking crap.

Actually, Marv Albert works the Monday Night Football broadcast with Boomer Esiason most of the time on Westwood One Radio. I'm usually working and can't watch the games on TV, but Marv really does give the broadcast some flavor you can't find anywhere else.

Spulture said...

How the fuck does Theisman get this job? How does he keep a job? I can't really figure on what's going on over at ESPN. I assume these big personalities make big money, yet what do they bring to the table? Does anyone on the planet say "Hey, I don't normally watch sports, but since Chris Berman is on...." I mean, they can't possibly help anything, so why would they hire these egos when they could probably just hire any average local sports caster for less money...the guy might not have personality, but at least he doesn't annoy the hell out of people.

cheswick said...

mmmm....Brach's Caramels...mmmm

but you're right: theezman IS a douchebag. In the name of Jeff George, where's Dandy Don?

Red Line said...

This is actually Deadspin related...in regards to all the "non-commenters can vote?!" comments on the Portis HOF thread, I wish I could comment. I've been a daily Deadspin reader for several months. I even tipped them as soon as the Mike Cooper results appeared on Cleveland's NBC news (I'm certain I was first, but I didn't get a mention. Oh well. )
I voted yes on Portis goddamnit. And I'm proud.

Fucking Browns.

And if the DC Deadspinners would like another DC voice to add to the masses, I'd love an invite.

harry lime said...

The "N" on the Nebraska helmet stands for knowledge.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

I would rather listen to a post-stroke Dick Clark recite tongue twisters than listen to Joe Theisman.

dusty said...

As a former resident of the DC area when that fuckwit played I can attest to his being an asshole of mythic stature. He has the announcing skills of my geriatric aunt..ok.that might be overboard.

I like Riggins. He got smashed, told off a Supreme Court Justice and passed out..wotta man.

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

For years I have fantasized about calling a game with Joe Thiesmann and repeatedly bringing up his career-ending knee injury.

Joe: The Colts pass rush is pretty stiff tonight.
Me: Stiff enough to totally devastate your knee on national television.

Joe: ...and that's why they call it a zone blitz, because it's a zone and a blitz.
Me: Hey Joe, remember when LT completely annihilated all of your knee ligaments and ruined your career?
Joe: Look, that's not what we're here to talk about.
Me: Remember when you changed the pronounciation of your name?

ColKurtz said...

Very nicely put. Maybe Tony K. should make a reference to having your leg broke on national tv?

The Last Unitard said...

I bet, at some point in the season, TK will be so frustrated with his "colleague's" douche-baggery that he will indeed say something that will get him in a big heap o' trouble.

I'm really starting to get tired of ESPN. They need some competition... perhaps a Deadspin network? Sure, public access TV won't reach everyone... but it's a start.

NoUseForAName said...

gentle,
I totally wish he would do that, and then "accidentally" have the infamous career ending injury cue up instead of the instant replay. Do it like 10 times and apologize each time. And every time they cut to them he should just stare at the knee while he is talking.

Anonymous said...

When the Toronto Argonauts of the CFL signed Ricky Williams this spring, Joe Theezman, a former Argonaut himself, said he was disgraced to be associated with a team that would sign an addict like Ricky.

One wonders how he felt sharing a locker room with Dexter Manley.

Lars said...

sAnd people wonder what makes Charles Barkley so successful as an announcer? He calls it like he sees it. He openly says some games on TNT are stinkers, and he's probably right. Turns out people will tune in to watch Chuck, but not necessairly the Knicks vs. the Sixers. This is what MNF should be aiming for. And yes, Theisman is ruining it.

t said...

Thank you Drew. A million times thank you. All sports fans should also realize this to remember that these are very rich athletes whose "jobs" most of us would do for about 1/50 of their salaries. If they can't take some ribbing, who can?

The Silky Johnson Experience said...

Joe fuckin' Theisman...If I had to choose between listening to a cat being gutted by a rusty hunting knife for 4 hours or joe theisman for 4 minutes, I'd have to go with the former.