Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Better Know A Team: New York Giants


Five Fast Facts About The Giants:
-Newly acquired linebacker Lavar Arrington took nine days to find Giants headquarters because of his steadfast refusal to MapQuest directions.
-Quarterback Eli Manning's father still cuts his food for him.
-Right guard Chris Snee is the father of coach Tom Coughlin's grandson. Coughlin gave his daughter seven months to gestate the child to full term.
-Backup quarterback Tim Hasselbeck is married to one of those retarded slutbags on "The View".
-Fourth-string quarterback Jared Lorenzen washes himself with a rag on a stick.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Amani Toomer

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and "chatting" with a player from each team. For the Giants, it's starting wideout and constant "Kindergarten Cop" joke victim Amani Toomer.


Big Daddy Drew: Amani, thank for sitting down and talking with us.
Amani Toomer: My pleasure.

Drew: Tiki Barber and his twin brother both married exotic Asian women. Since the Barbers look alike, and since all Asian people look alike, don't you think there's some kind of fucked-up, polyamorous, four-way shit going on there?
Toomer: No.

Drew: How can you tell if Eli Manning is throwing a ball intended for you? That has to be hard to figure out.
Toomer: Eli's very accurate.

Drew: What's it like to hang out with Eli? I imagine it's a lot like playing solitaire.
Toomer: Eli's a cool guy.

Drew: Jeremy Shockey was raised in Oklahoma and went to school at Miami. What's it like to play with someone who is two distinct kinds of retarded?
Toomer: Jeremy is a smart guy.

Drew: Does Michael Strahan keep a camcorder in the locker room? Because I wouldn't shower until he left.
Toomer: No.

Drew: The Giants drafted wideout Sinorice Moss earlier this year. Does the name Sinorice make you want a Twizzler for some reason?
Toomer: No.

Drew: You went to Michigan the same time I was there. How come we never partied, man? I had a fucking Genesis.
Toomer: I didn't know you.

Drew: Save it. What lessons have you tried to teach Plaxico Burress about playing the position, and how long before you gave up in frustration?
Toomer: Plaxico is a hard worker.

Drew: If Eli Manning, his brother, Tiger Woods, and Alex Rodriguez were all in the same room, who would die of boredom first?
Toomer: I don't know.

Drew: The Giants defensive tackles are Fred Robbins and William Joseph. I loved them in Disorderlies. Didn't you?
Toomer: I don't know what you're talking about.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Toomer: No.

Drew: Would you consider replacing Joe Theismann?
Toomer: No.

Drew: Would you consider eating this chicken satay? It's terrific.
Toomer: No.

Drew: Amani, thank you so much for hanging with us.
Toomer: You're welcome.

24 comments:

Jimbo said...

"two distinct kinds of retarded"
fucking priceless.

Otto Man said...

Well played. Though I wanted you to ask if Shockey's arm tattoo is really a map for escaping the Cover 2.

irishcharlie said...

What lessons have you tried to teach Plaxico Burress about playing the position, and how long before you gave up in frustration?


I think I just pissed myself. Let me check ... Nope ... Nope ... Whew. That was close. Good thing I am wearing a dark suit today, just in case.

FuckingBrian said...

Brilliant once again. These pieces are like soemthing Stephen Colbert would do if he wrote about sports.

Oh man, wouldn't it be great to get Stephen Colbert on Around the Horn and see him make a complete mockery of the whole proceedings while Plashke and Marrioti are taking him seriously.

Chillonamill said...

-Newly acquired linebacker Lavar Arrington took nine days to find Giants headquarters because of his steadfast refusal to MapQuest directions.


No wonder he could never fit into a Gregg Williams defense

eirishis said...

I could have gone the day without the image of two UVA alums in a fourway with their hot Asian wives. Goddammit, I'm here in C'ville - where are my hookers?

[after a beat] ... sorry, honey, you know I didn't mean that ...

Nice work, Drew.

Big Jim Slade said...

Dear Amani,
Would you please tell Chris Berman that you do NOT look good in a suit already?

Becky said...

BDD - Which means we also were Wolverinos together. Small world.

I heartily endorse all kinds of retareded. Well done.

Becky said...

(Including, apparently, my own kind of retareded.)

Senor Beavis said...

Amani, what's the Over/Under on the amount of times LaVar Arrington will attempt to tackle the other team's mascot or run all the way to next week's game site during a reverse or play action?

RIch Uncle Skeleton said...

Nice dig on Lorenzen.

Thats my re-ward.

rsr26 (aka Johnny Utah) said...

gotta agree with those praising the "two distinct kinds of retarded" line.

Chairface Chippendale said...

That may end up being second string QB Jared Lorenzen soon.

He's measty.

elliott whines too much said...

Drew: If Eli Manning, his brother, Tiger Woods, and Alex Rodriguez were all in the same room, who would die of boredom first?
Toomer: I don't know.



Literally made me laugh out loud.

Son of Brasky said...

Nice post. You only forgot to mention that they got SHUT OUT in the playoffs last year.

Anonymous said...

"I wash myself with a rag on a stick."

-Fat Bart Simpson

Fucking hilarious.

The Captain said...

"I had a fucking Genesis"

genius... pure genius...

haha...

swing4 said...

Hilarious. Thank you, Drew.

Basshole said...

If Eli Manning, his brother, Tiger Woods, and Alex Rodriguez were all in the same room, who would die of boredom first?

I laughed at first, but that line really got me thinking, which of these guys is the most boring? I'd have to say Peyton. Tiger fucks a model, and Eli and Alex have a couple vices (drinking and gambling). All Peyton does is fuck male country singers.

Wish Me Well said...

If I didn't think the Giants we're the best team of all team this would most probably be hilarious.

jester0165 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jester0165 said...

you've redefined the mock interview. i'm inspired.

Yourmotherswallows said...

This is hilarious! I'm having so much fun reading it over and over again! I'm so glad that there are people like yourself whose lives are so worthless that they can spend their worthless existence doing worthless shit like this so other losers can spend their worthless lives laughing at it. Bravo! This is definitely a piece of literature that will never be forgotten and should be shared with future generations for centuries to come. Not only have you managed to fit in a trite and unoriginal stereotype of Asians, but you've also managed to insult a four-time Pro Bowl tight end who makes millions of dollars a year and has probably slept with more women then you've ever dreamed of. Genius! I salute you sir. It's people like you who really bring life into perspective. This is a pure masterpiece. Edgar Allen Who? Move over Bible! I think you have some new competition for the greatest writing in the history of mankind.

Yourmotherswallows said...

I love gay jokes. They're funny because... oh wait, sorry, yeah, this one isn't even funny. Strahan would beat that ass. Big Daddy Drew sounds like one of those handles that gay truckers use to talk to other gay men. Yeah, there it is, that kiss you offered Toomer, yeah that's gay. I thought I saw that in there. Reading this was such a waste of my time I thought I'd just tell you how stupid this is and what I think of you. You suck and your mother swallows. Get a life Jerkoff. By the way, Matt Groening called, he wants his jokes back.