Thursday, August 17, 2006

Your 2006 NFL Drinking and Drugging Season Preview


A quick drinking story: Last weekend I attended a wedding. I love weddings for two reasons: 1) Open bar and 2) Cake. I have a standard go-to wedding drink, and that would be a vodka-and-grapefruit (nee Greyhound, nee Salty Dog, nee Gay Sipper). It's light, refreshing, and I can drink 500 of them while remaining upright. My friend Jeremy keeps telling me that sweet drinks will cause God to drop the brutal Hammer of Vengeance upon ye, but I always forget that by the time the next wedding rolls around.

As was the case here. This was my first night out without my six-month-old, so I got fucking destroyed. I ended up stealing cake from the place settings of people who were on the dance floor, offering $10 to anyone who would run through the sprinkler system at the country club, and telling a pregnant woman that, when my wife gave birth, it looked like doctors were trying to pull out her soul. Awesome stuff.

I also ended up waking up at 5AM to boot in my toilet for 10 minutes. If you know me, you know that my vomiting abilities are nonpareil. It sounds like someone trying to bail out a sinking boat. It woke up my wife. It woke up the houseguests that were sleeping two rooms over. I'm a Dad, you know. I probably shouldn't be doing shit like this anymore. I remember hugging the bowl and thinking to myself, "You know, this really takes me back."

Now, there are two kinds of booting. There's the booting you do before you pass out, which is fairly harmless and even kind of fun (you may even pull the boot'n'rally, in which case kudos to you). And then there is the booting you do after you pass out, which is like the withdrawal scene in "Trainspotting". It's horrible. You're tired, hungry, and still drunk even though you don't want to be. And you might see a dead baby crawling on the ceiling. Guhhhhhh. Bonus points if you have a wedding song running through your head. Mine was "September," by Earth, Wind, and Fire.

Which brings us to the NFL. As you can tell from this past week, Viking fans like myself (or any NFL fan whose team isn't coached by Bill Belichick, for that matter) usually spend the three hours allotted to games in a state of seething anger. Alcohol is necessary, if not mandatory. And let's face it. I love the NFL, but the average NFL game features 4,000 ads, 235 penalties, and Bill Maas saying something idiotic every 3.4 seconds. You're gonna need that booze. Or something stronger. That's right. It's a whole new season of getting drunk and high while watching the NFL. So let's evaluate your options:


Light beer
Light beer is the standard go-to drink for 1PM games. If you don't have the Dish, you can go to the bar, have four or five during the game, pay your tab ($15-$20), and drive home. My only problem with light beer is that, while drinking it, I often think to myself, "You know, this beer would taste much better if it had more alcohol in it." Drinking light beer means you're not getting drunk to your full potential, and that's a problem. To paraphrase the old Python joke: Drinking light American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.


Regular beer
If you start the 1PM games drinking regular beer, you'll be napping by halftime of the 4:15 games. It's a lock. And maybe that's fine with you. My only problem is the after-nap period. It's like waking up to a whole new day, and that completely ruins your shit. It's Sunday night and you have to have family dinner time while trying to figure out if you need more beer or some kind of heavy barbituate. And the whole new Sunday Night on NBC thing may complicate it even further. You may also be in a shit mood because your team lost, or your fantasy team lost because this was the week Edgerrin James went 25-87 with no TD's (which will happen a lot this year).


Wine
Totally underrated for Monday Night viewing. You can drink a bottle of red (actual good wine, not the comedic version above) and get that wino glow while you watch the game. Plus, no bloating. Wine also makes people more convivial. After two glasses of cabernet, I somehow become even more witty and charming. I may even end up quoting "Conan the Barbarian" during the game, with the killing of your enemy, and the watching of them fleeing before you, and the listening to the lamentations of the woman, and what not. But no wine during a day game. That's for pussies.


Mixed drinks
Out of the question, unless you're at a wedding and watching the game after you've snuck out of the reception to the bar. Same with champagne. Now let's do a quick run through your liquor cabinet:


Scotch
Yes, please.

Irish Whiskey
Well, if you insist.

Bourbon
Totally. Bourbon makes my meast firm up.

Tequila
No.

Gin
BRAHHHHH!

Mezcal
Only if you're dying and want to finish yourself off.

Sherry/Cognac
During the 3rd quarter of a Monday game, this is acceptable. And at Thanksgiving.

Frangelico/Bailey's/Kahlua/etc.
No, no, no. That's Eurofag shit.


Weed
Completely depends on who you are. Weed improves boxing and Olympic sports for me (figure skating and weed is fucking epic, especially if you mute the TV and crank up a Dangerous Toys album). I'm all right with weed and football, though it makes me skip from game to game every 0.2 seconds. But I probably do that anyway. Who knows how it affects Sister Christian up there.

Cocaine/Heroin/Meth/PSP PCP/Gas Huffing/Crack/Snorted Ritalin
You probably aren't all that concerned about football if you're doing these. Even if you're a Bengal.

There's your 2006 preview. Be sure to drive responsibly. That means 11 Salty Dogs or fewer!

UPDATE: Folks on the West Coast have noted that the 10AM kickoff time coincides with brunch boozing options like the popular Bloody Mary and the ever-so-gay Mimosa. Since I'm not a tomato juice man, it's light beer and live goldfish for me. Doghead, everybody!

Oh, and someone mentioned Jagermeister. Guhhhhh. Nothing says "Party!" like a drink that tastes like the floor of a movie theater. I'll pass.

65 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Great...now I'm sexually attracted to nuns. thanks drew

Beban said...

Great post, but I think I'll stick with paint thinner. It's never done me wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

Roy Hobbs said...

Living on the West Coast makes the choice of booze for the early (10 AM) games that much easier.

One pitcher of Bloody Marys and we're good to go for the day.

doug_plank said...

If you start the list from the bottom and go up, you would be a Raiders fan.

Christmas Ape said...

Oxycontin is okay, but only during overtime.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

Beautiful work Drew!

Is Koren Robinson going to come over to your house to watch the games with you?

The best Dangerous Toys song is called "Sport'n a Woody."

Web said...

Inexcusably missing from your list is Jägermeister.

I find that after a touchdown scored (by your favorite team) is a perfect time for a shot -- unfortunatly being a Vikings fan .. you may not need a lot of Jäger.

Field goals are big sips. Go ahead. Drink it down. This isin't the CFL.

A.R.P. said...

At the meathead bar I go to for games the fellas like a V8 and Lone Star concoction.

I just go for the Lone Star, $2, and stand on the bar screaming "Chocolate City" every time we score. We used to do MNFF (the extra F is for "Fifth of Rebel Yell") back in my friend's Rockville sex parlour.

Rob I said...

I prefer to watch the Monday night game with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Chamomiles Davis said...

My living arrangements have changed this year, so I cannot indulge in my usual Sunday routine:

10 AM - 12:30 - A pot of coffee, a fat bowl, and Sunday NFL Countdown.

12:30 - Order food from local pizza shop. One large pepperoni, cheese steak, fries and a two-liter of Diet Coke, because I'm trying to watch my weight.

12:55 - Pay pizza guy. Smoke fat bowl #2.

1:00 - Friends show up with beer and egg rolls from local Chinese restaurant. Consume beer, smoke fat bowl #3. Eat like a fucking pig until halftime.

1:05 - Begin checking fantasy league stats on laptop every thirty seconds on the minute. F5 key label faded from repeating pressing.

Halftime - Smoke fat bowl #4, step out onto balcony to enjoy crisp autumn air and chain-smoke two cigarettes. Drink more beer, possibly a shot of Jim Beam if handy to toast the Iggles.

4:15 - Post-game cigarette, beer and fat bowl #5. Feeling pretty jolly as the sun begins to set and 2nd game kicks off.

5:00 - Order more dangerously unhealthy food from local pizza shop. (Chicken finger platter? Yes, sir.)

7:30 - Fat bowl VI - The Final Frontier. Enjoy NFL Prime Time until kickoff of Sunday night game.

8:30 - Sunday night game. Fat bowls 7 through 9. Polish off remaining beer and food. Quickly surf Internet porn sites and then... beddy bye!

Ah, good times. It's amazing how marriage can change things.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Best way to end the Sunday- 3 or 4 xanax.

The Last Unitard said...

Not only am I a Vikings fan, but I'm the only Vikings fan in North Carolina. Therefore, I sit alone in my living room, alternately weeping into my PBR (because, being a Vikings fan, I don't deserve a higher quality beer) and throwing nerf products at the TV (I don't have enough money for a new TV every week). Sometimes, while drinking and weeping, I masturbate while thinking about what it must be like to root for a good team.

Unsilent Majority said...

wow, i have so much in common with all of you (although 9 bowls ain't doin the job and 3/4 xanies and i'd sleep through mnf)

screaming "Chocolate City"
i used to do this at the redskins bar in arizona

max bada said...

Chamomiles davis-
Wakes up Monday morning to go to work at NORAD.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Your enemies don't 'flee from you', they 'tremble before you'...just had to get that Conan quote right cuz it's like my favorite thing ever fucking said.

Kevin said...

in college we used to kick off pats games with a drink we called the "victory dance"

1 shot of grain alcohol; repeat until you don't want to eat nachos anymore.

BoSox Siobhan said...

I love you guys. My choice for daytime drinking is cheap American beer. Nighttime? Bourbon and one ice cube. Alternated with cheap American beer so I can, you know, walk home without injuring myself too badly.

Chillonamill said...

We drank Skippy in college, it was grain alcohol, whatever beer was leftover from watching NCAA football, some Tang, and whatever fuckin other random ingredients you could find.

A.R.P. said...

Touchdown tussin anyone?

Otto Man said...

Let it be noted that the witness made the "drinky drinky" motion.

WaistingCompanyTime6 said...

The best thing is if you are a college fb fan like I am, you go through that routine twice a weekend! I hope to live to see 30...

Anonymous said...

Whats this West Coast that you speak of?

Chillonamill said...

WaistingCompanyTime6 - i live for this time of year.


Does anybody just get their goose on? no? damn!

TheBigO said...

WaistingCompanyTime6

I'm 30 and have been indulging in the routine since the age of about 15. You'll be fine just stay away from the stuff towards the bottom of BDD's list. Especially that Jagermeister crap, fucking putrid.

TheBigO said...

To clarify; I WAS NOT talking about weed, you MUST, i repeat MUST have the kind in order to balance you out, and like Chamomiles' list you need at LEAST 9 bowls, unless it purple then 5 will suffice.

The Last Unitard said...

Ever try watching football under the influence of a powerful hallucinogen?

I strongly advise against it.

Chamomiles Davis said...

I forgot to mention that unless the 8:30 game's outcome was still in question at 11:00, I'd switch over to Cartoon Network for Adult Swim.

I have no idea why I thought you needed to know this.

A.R.P. said...

I sometimes like to put a belt around my neck and tug whenever we're in the red zone. So hot.

J.J. Gittes said...

Nothing makes a wet, miserable day at the Meadowlands watching Barry Sanders chew up your defense a little more bearable than a smuggled bottle of Bushmills. The Protestant Irish whiskey, bitches!

btw, does gin make you Rastafarian or something?

Cheech Marino said...

Refusing to celebrate prescription drug abuse is turning your back on the very stuff that pushes our top atheletes to the heights of glory.

So try this -- Take two equine painkillers, chop up a couple wavy blue lines of adderall and enjoy your sunday morning like a real goddam american.

Anonymous said...

I think you meant "PCP" instead of "PSP".

However, I will now refer to my Playstation Portable as "Angel Dust".

Roy Hobbs said...

The West Coast does have one more significant advantage - if you time it right, you can wake up from the previous night's bender and go right into drinking during the kickoff of the early game.

God Bless Direct TV

Wish Me Well said...

Reading this depressed me. I'll be working every single sunday of the NFL season during the day. I'll only be able to booze for sunday and monday night games, and whatever Giants game I go to with my dad.

TheBigO said...

"The West Coast does have one more significant advantage"

Not just one my friend, many. Weed, bitches, microbrews, bitches, weed, bitches...........

Grandad "Bitches" Freeman said...

Cutie-Pie!!!!!!

Becky said...

All about the Miller Lite for the early games, on to the Crown and 7-Up at night. Monday Nights are made for Long Islands.

Unfortunately, this routine does not seem to be limited to football season, or just Sunday/Monday in my life.

Anonymous said...

So wait--you're a daddy now, of a 6 month old no less, and you still feel the need to get obliteratingly drunk and make an ass of yourself?

(Yeah, me too. Except mine's a year and 3 months old. But he thinks I'm funnier with a few drinks in me. Mommy does too.)

And like Viking fans, we Chiefs fans plan on having a shot every time our defense gives up a first down. That should make Sundays enjoyable...

Anonymous said...

I am not allowed to drink during Patriots or Gators games. In my first week in Gainesville, I got banned from a bar while watching a Pats game. Apparrently, a drunk female Pats fan is threatening to the rather large male Jax "fans"...
I'm fine watching other games, but those games I just cannnot handle any alcohol in my system.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Here's my routine:

Two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole multi colored collection of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.

Chamomiles Davis said...

R.U.S.,

How far out of Barstow were you when the drugs kicked in?

Anonymous said...

Me, I used to take a transfusion of one pint of Keith Richards' blood every Friday at 5 PM. I'd wake up Monday morning, buy myself back from the white slaver and try to avoid sitting for a couple of days.

It appears I could have achieved the same effect by watching and rooting for the Vikings. Knowing that would have saved me some scratch.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Somewhere....on the edge of the desert.

Anonymous said...

adderall 20's, good hydro, and ice cold american beer...if you can't find any ether, that is...

BigTDog said...

A Dangerous Toys reference, most excellent.

I enjoy knocking back Coronas until I become Professor BigTDog

http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season11/wine4.mp3

jamesmnordbergjr said...

Lite Beer and Boones Farms when the Bears win, Busch Lite Draft, a speedball and Mad Dog 20/20 when they lose.

Oh, and there's currently red spots on my desk from the drink that spewwed from nose after reading this post.

I'll be sending my cleaning bill directly.

TheBigO said...

That is a nun after my own heart. Wow, they don't make 'em like that anymore.

The Fan's Attic said...

i traditionally like to pick up a case of PBR for the 10 a.m. game on the west coast and proceed to work my through that until the nd of sunday night game. at times i will throw in some malt liquor for shits and giggles. and the other must is setting up a second tv to play video games on while watching football.

FuckingBrian said...

Got to love the ol' Rusty Nail.

Are rum and coke okay, or is rum only exceptable for Bucs fans?

dusty said...

Here in BakeTown,CA I can smoke any of the 30 different varieties of weed they sell at the local dispensary..after all, its legal here in Cali. As for the alcohol..bloody mary's for the 10am game, and the afternoon and evening games its skyy and soda. I cap it all off with a couple of vicodins so I can wakeup hangover free.

Monday night..rinse and repeat,starting with the afternoon menu.

Oddjack said...

Jagermeister!

apostles03 said...

In college we used to have magic mushroom pizza an hour before the game. Good times, good times.

Captain Caveman said...

What a bunch of degenerates.

twoeightnine said...

the bills backers here in philly run a special: $25 all you can drink plus free wings and bar food for both games. that's 6 hours of drowning my sorrows in pint after pint. i think my record last year was 25 guinness, which led to no goodness.

Chamomiles Davis said...

I agree with unsilent majority's opening post. Could this have been my very first NILF sighting?

Nyssa23 said...

I always think of gin as more of a baseball drink. A couple of G&Ts and those innings just fly by.

P.S. Whenever you guys use the word "meast" it makes me laugh. And it also makes me a little nauseous.

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

This was literally the ONLY NFL season preview that mattered to me.

Cory said...

I started drinking Evan Williams at 10:30 this morning, and there's only preseason games on today. Does that count?

And what about X???

Anonymous said...

X will just make you think about pick-up football games with your friends when you were ten, how awesome Joe Montana was (even if you HATE/D the 49ers sober), and kissing Suzy Kolber. No, I'm not joking about that last one.

Son of Brasky said...

No mention of Irish Car Bombs makes me angry.

If you're team goes into OT, you're obligated to pour down at least one car bomb.

A.R.P. said...

Mezcal enema anyone?

Anonymous said...

well, dat roro kid iz an idiot cuz hiz statement makes no cents! By the way, who watches Conan?

Ehren said...

I'm in Hawaii, so the Sunday games start at 7AM. Often we just dont go to bed Saturday night. The bars close at 4AM and open back up at 6AM. You can stretch a Denny's trip into 2 hours and then keep going. Screwdrivers seem to be a good morning drink around here...

Anonymous said...

If you can get enough Beam in you by 1PM, you won't hear your 4 year old asking to see Power Rangers.

Andy said...

My drinking schedule goes as follows ...

10 a.m. kickoff. Polish off a few beers. Why not, it's football! Whoooooo!

From there it gets hazy.

My drink is Pacifico or PBR. It depends. If I have money ... Pacifico. No money ... PBR.

I also think it is acceptable to drink mixers (Rum/Jack and Coke) if that is your only option. Better to have watched and drank than never to have drank at all.

Two years ago, I had a Super Bowl party in my dorm room (it's a miracle the RAs didn't bust us). Our system is that we would arbitrarily drink margaritas and beer, and take shots whenever anybody scored any point. By halftime, all of us were gone. Sometime during the third quarter, my friend thought a) the game was over, and b) Philly had won. He didn't even find out until the next day he was wrong.

By the way ... does anyone else throw Draft parties? I had 3 friends over for the NFL Draft last year, and I have to say: alcohol makes it a lot better.

Anonymous said...

props to the post about the gators, here in gainesville shit gets pretty weird around 2 hours before gametime, no point in mentioning theese bats i thought, poor bastard will see them soon enough....game policy is as follows, gorge yourself on moderatley warm keg beer, smoke as many joints on campus as possible, track down some tennessee or georgia fans and join in the non-stop heckling and booing, run back to keg drink as many beer bongs as you can take, while still being able to walkl to the swamp, smoke no less than 3 joints on way to stadium, then find some little kid to smuggle your fifth of jack in,
repeat on sunday and monday night, then well shit repeat just about every night of the week if you live in gainesville....