Your 2006 NFL Drinking and Drugging Season Preview

A quick drinking story: Last weekend I attended a wedding. I love weddings for two reasons: 1) Open bar and 2) Cake. I have a standard go-to wedding drink, and that would be a vodka-and-grapefruit (nee Greyhound, nee Salty Dog, nee Gay Sipper). It's light, refreshing, and I can drink 500 of them while remaining upright. My friend Jeremy keeps telling me that sweet drinks will cause God to drop the brutal Hammer of Vengeance upon ye, but I always forget that by the time the next wedding rolls around.

As was the case here. This was my first night out without my six-month-old, so I got fucking destroyed. I ended up stealing cake from the place settings of people who were on the dance floor, offering $10 to anyone who would run through the sprinkler system at the country club, and telling a pregnant woman that, when my wife gave birth, it looked like doctors were trying to pull out her soul. Awesome stuff.

I also ended up waking up at 5AM to boot in my toilet for 10 minutes. If you know me, you know that my vomiting abilities are nonpareil. It sounds like someone trying to bail out a sinking boat. It woke up my wife. It woke up the houseguests that were sleeping two rooms over. I'm a Dad, you know. I probably shouldn't be doing shit like this anymore. I remember hugging the bowl and thinking to myself, "You know, this really takes me back."

Now, there are two kinds of booting. There's the booting you do before you pass out, which is fairly harmless and even kind of fun (you may even pull the boot'n'rally, in which case kudos to you). And then there is the booting you do after you pass out, which is like the withdrawal scene in "Trainspotting". It's horrible. You're tired, hungry, and still drunk even though you don't want to be. And you might see a dead baby crawling on the ceiling. Guhhhhhh. Bonus points if you have a wedding song running through your head. Mine was "September," by Earth, Wind, and Fire.

Which brings us to the NFL. As you can tell from this past week, Viking fans like myself (or any NFL fan whose team isn't coached by Bill Belichick, for that matter) usually spend the three hours allotted to games in a state of seething anger. Alcohol is necessary, if not mandatory. And let's face it. I love the NFL, but the average NFL game features 4,000 ads, 235 penalties, and Bill Maas saying something idiotic every 3.4 seconds. You're gonna need that booze. Or something stronger. That's right. It's a whole new season of getting drunk and high while watching the NFL. So let's evaluate your options:


Light beer
Light beer is the standard go-to drink for 1PM games. If you don't have the Dish, you can go to the bar, have four or five during the game, pay your tab ($15-$20), and drive home. My only problem with light beer is that, while drinking it, I often think to myself, "You know, this beer would taste much better if it had more alcohol in it." Drinking light beer means you're not getting drunk to your full potential, and that's a problem. To paraphrase the old Python joke: Drinking light American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.


Regular beer
If you start the 1PM games drinking regular beer, you'll be napping by halftime of the 4:15 games. It's a lock. And maybe that's fine with you. My only problem is the after-nap period. It's like waking up to a whole new day, and that completely ruins your shit. It's Sunday night and you have to have family dinner time while trying to figure out if you need more beer or some kind of heavy barbituate. And the whole new Sunday Night on NBC thing may complicate it even further. You may also be in a shit mood because your team lost, or your fantasy team lost because this was the week Edgerrin James went 25-87 with no TD's (which will happen a lot this year).


Wine
Totally underrated for Monday Night viewing. You can drink a bottle of red (actual good wine, not the comedic version above) and get that wino glow while you watch the game. Plus, no bloating. Wine also makes people more convivial. After two glasses of cabernet, I somehow become even more witty and charming. I may even end up quoting "Conan the Barbarian" during the game, with the killing of your enemy, and the watching of them fleeing before you, and the listening to the lamentations of the woman, and what not. But no wine during a day game. That's for pussies.


Mixed drinks
Out of the question, unless you're at a wedding and watching the game after you've snuck out of the reception to the bar. Same with champagne. Now let's do a quick run through your liquor cabinet:


Scotch
Yes, please.

Irish Whiskey
Well, if you insist.

Bourbon
Totally. Bourbon makes my meast firm up.

Tequila
No.

Gin
BRAHHHHH!

Mezcal
Only if you're dying and want to finish yourself off.

Sherry/Cognac
During the 3rd quarter of a Monday game, this is acceptable. And at Thanksgiving.

Frangelico/Bailey's/Kahlua/etc.
No, no, no. That's Eurofag shit.


Weed
Completely depends on who you are. Weed improves boxing and Olympic sports for me (figure skating and weed is fucking epic, especially if you mute the TV and crank up a Dangerous Toys album). I'm all right with weed and football, though it makes me skip from game to game every 0.2 seconds. But I probably do that anyway. Who knows how it affects Sister Christian up there.

Cocaine/Heroin/Meth/PSP PCP/Gas Huffing/Crack/Snorted Ritalin
You probably aren't all that concerned about football if you're doing these. Even if you're a Bengal.

There's your 2006 preview. Be sure to drive responsibly. That means 11 Salty Dogs or fewer!

UPDATE: Folks on the West Coast have noted that the 10AM kickoff time coincides with brunch boozing options like the popular Bloody Mary and the ever-so-gay Mimosa. Since I'm not a tomato juice man, it's light beer and live goldfish for me. Doghead, everybody!

Oh, and someone mentioned Jagermeister. Guhhhhh. Nothing says "Party!" like a drink that tastes like the floor of a movie theater. I'll pass.