Monday, August 7, 2006

The Panthers are going to the Super Bowl


At least that's what we're told every year. If the Redskins win the Super Bowl every April, the Panthers win it every August. However, most casual NFL observers don't realize how much of a longstanding tradition is the Panthers Super Bowl pick. Here follows an abbreviated history:

390 B.C. - Beyond inuring them to the ways of logic and reasoning via his dialectics, Socrates introduces the youth of Athens to gambling on pro football and buggery. His eventual execution by hemlock, generally understood today as the result of charges of corruption of youth and impiety, was actually because his constant Panther boosting roiled the considerable Buccaneer fanbase in Athens.

1430 A.D. - The Aztecs develop primitive methods of arithmetic, astrology and NFL prognostication -- specifically, which years the Panthers will win the Super Bowl. Understandably, years later, they are overtaken by some Spaniard claiming to be a rain god or some shit.

1864 A.D. - Major General William Tecumseh Sherman cuts a swath of destruction through the South, wreaking havoc and levelling Atlanta. To soothe hurt feelings, he says at least he thinks the Panthers will win the Super Bowl that year.

1946 A.D. - British Prime Minister Winston Churchill foretells an Iron Curtain descending over Europe. And a Panther dynasty, any year now.

1959 A.D. - Jerry Richardson, future owner of the Panthers, boasts of Carolina's chances in the Super Bowl that year. It's somewhat bittersweet then when his Colts win the title.

1968 A.D. - The Beatles record The White Album. Zealous fans interpret the John Lennon-penned song "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey" to contain a subtle prediction that the Panthers will go to the Super Bowl. Mark David Chapman, a fervid Panther fan, assassinates Lennon years later for costing him thousands in gambling losses.

1995 A.D. - In a surprising twist, no one picks Carolina to go to the Super Bowl.

1996 A.D. - Despite assurances from the Illuminati that the Panthers will go to the Super Bowl, Carolina loses to Green Bay in the NFC Championship. Quarterback Kerry Collins blames a "vast Negro conspiracy" for the team's defeat. Sen. Jesse Helms quietly nods in assent.

2003 A.D. - Following millennia of broken promises, the Panthers reach Super Bowl XXXVIII, losing to the New England Patriots 32-29. Carolina fans take solace when their much beloved Hurricanes reign surpreme two years later.

Today - Buoyed by the Panthers appearance in the Super Bowl, NFL gurus redouble their Panther picking, saying they will win divisions they aren't in and sports they don't play. Even when it becomes certain that Carolina will not win a title in any given year, some hold out hope. Paul Zimmerman was overheard saying, as Hines Ward scored the clinching TD over Seattle in Super Bowl XL, that "I still think the Panthers'll pull this one out."

15 comments:

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

Haha, nice. Way to come out of the gates swinging, Ape.

Unsilent Majority said...

great take on kerry collins

A.R.P. said...

...he's so drunk.

tim said...

Buoyed by the Panthers appearance in the Super Bowl, NFL gurus redouble their Panther picking, saying they will win divisions they aren't in and sports they don't play. - hahaha i love it

Douche Bigelow said...

Panthers/Chiefs Super Bowl? What the fuck was SI smoking???

stig o'tracy said...

You're just mad because none of your cheerleaders "meet at the Y"...

Also, after seeing the Green Bay post, I'd like to point out (as Sam Cassell did when he played for Florida State) that all Carolina Girls have "wine and cheese tits".

BJ said...

as a Panther fan I'd like to say thanks for adding to the jinx

Unsilent Majority said...

douche, they weren't...that was the problem

The Last Unitard said...

There is a clause in Jake Delhomme's Bojangles contract that states he must consume 14 gallons of syrup-y sweet tea per day, causing him to freak out and throw costly interceptions.

Kevin said...

Well, that's why the panther's don't win:


"Rock & Roll, Dope, and Fucking in the Street"

swing4 said...

Excellent use of an Illuminati reference. Nice debut.

Son of Brasky said...

Damn dirty Ape.

Funny post, although the Panther's have only been the popular preseason choice twice in their short, 12-year history, I guess two straight years is just too much for the sports world to handle, right Boston Fans? RIGHT? That's what I thought.

BTW Ape, now that you are a KSK contributor, I think we, the peoples, deserve to know which team your allegiance is with? (Please don't tell me another ridiculous Redskins fan.)

Christmas Ape said...

I'm another, more ridiculous and even more annoying, Steelers fan.

Dave's Football Blog said...

You guys will be eating these words when the Panthers stomp on Arsenal and Man United, then beat New Zealand to win the Rugby World Cup in 2007...

And Steelers fans are awesome. Just like Panthers fans. Pass the sweet tea.

(Where's your RSS feed, yo?)

mybalztastegud said...

the panthers are far superior to any other team , sorry you like the taste of other mens testes or esle you would realize why everyone is picking them, when you wash the genetalia sweat from your pallet check the Panthers out, I am sure you will pick them too, or esle the ball sweat has bleached your gords!