Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Jake the Snake and the Mile High Club

I've never been one to mince my words; with that said, I fucking hate the Denver Broncos. It's not necessarily the players that bother me, instead it is their fans that I detest with reckless abandon. To make matters worse they are coached by a loathsome miscreant whose smarmy confidence can no longer mask his playoff record since the Horse hung up the reigns. Despite all this it is their offensive line that I hate more than anyone else (outside the NFC East). Simply put they are the dirtiest sons of bitches I've seen on a football field since those guys busted up my man Lucas.

Truthfully I never had a chance; my first memory as a football fan dates back to a chilly January evening in 1988. On this day I watched as my Redskins went down an early ten points, then I watched Doug Williams and Joe Gibbs orchestrate the greatest quarter in the history of the game. Ever since that day I have looked down on the Broncos with such contempt that I've never cheered for them. In fact, I've never drafted a Denver player in any one of my fantasy leagues.

Everybody knows that the Broncos have enough talent on the roster to compete for the AFC title. Last year's run of thirteen wins (plus a playoff win) proved that point to anyone who still doubted them. This year their goals are clear, they have to reach the Super Bowl. It's not often you can say that about a team but in this case anything less would just be another disappointment.

Unfortunately for the Broncos, their hopes are still firmly attached to the arm (and brain) of Jake the Snake Plummer, frankly I'd rather see Jake Roberts taking the snaps. On the positive side the front office had the foresight to draft Jay Cutler who could be ready to supplant Plummer at a moment's notice. While they had the opportunity to draft a player who come in and start they recognized the need for a second option at quarterback. Cutler impressed everybody with his Combine and individual workouts, if the Broncos hope to bring a championship back to that shithole town young Mr. Cutler needs to learn that playbook. (Sources tell KSK that Mike Shanahan actually stole his current playbook from Madden 2003).

Those unfortunate bastards who have to corral Jake's wily passes are also a cause for concern at this point in the year. Ashley Lelie is apparently pissed off at the coaching staff for his roll on the team. Apparently he fully expected to supplant the the Unbreakable Rod Smith despite finding the endzone as rarely as Mr. Glass. As always Shanahan will rely on his running attack to carry the brunt of the offensive burden. A lot of people have attempted to dissect the famed scheme, one time Merrill Hodge got close before his neurons shutdown from fatigue, the same thing happened to me the last time I read the Four Quartets (seriously, what's up with that rose garden?).

As a service to our readers I'll break down the Broncos running game in three simple steps.

1. Tatum Bell (or some other scrub they plug in) starts his run off the right guard.

2. Matt Lepsis and Tom Nalen lay out a couple of defenders with a pair of violent chopblocks.

3. Tatum Bell cuts back to the left side and and skips over the broken leg of his would be pursuer.

(this can also be reversed with George Foster dislocating some poor guy's ankle, just press the R2 button on the play selection screen)

The team's true saving grace is their stout defensive unit that held the Steelers to a mere 34 points in the AFC Championship game (well at least they were stout the rest of the year). To be fair the defense did have a great season thanks to a flurry of acquisitions over the past few years. In fact last year Denver imported the sorry ass defensive line from the sorry ass Cleveland Browns...and they didn't suck!


Behind the freshly minted defensive front lies some of the fastest linebackers in the League. DJ Williams is an absolute freak that I'd love to see on my team (i've got a thing for those 7th Floor dwellers) and Ian Gold is routinely underrated. The crux of the defense's success will lie in the consistency of their secondary. Anybody who knows me knows how I feel about Champ Bailey, for those who don't, I think he was the most overrated player in the entire league when he was going to Hawaii in a Redskins helmet...nothing has changed. Domonique (yeah he spells it like that) Foxworth is serviceable on the other side, but the guy I'm interested in is his backup. I think it's about time the coaches started playing Karl "Bitch Betta" Paymah (I'd like to see Berman pull that off).

Without a doubt the player who offers the highest comedic appeal is our pal Sean Landeta. We here at KSK will continue to pray for Sean's fat ass and lovehandles.

Now I'm off to the NAACP Convention wearing my Kanye t-shirt that reads "George Bush doesn't care about black people."


Keep in mind today marks the opening of rookie camp for the Jets and Eagles...just in case you were wondering why you keep hearing boos in the distance.

37 comments:

HofC said...

Are we going to host the online funeral for Will on this site?

Captain Caveman said...

Super Bowl XXII is my earliest positive football memory (I was living in DC at the time). The few games I remember before that all seem to be Seahawk playoff losses.

uncskins28 said...

Super Bowl XXII didn't make me hate the Broncos, it was all the smarm about "robbing" the Redskins in the Portis-Bailey trade and how Portis was just a system back.

Nobody talks about Clinton Portis like that. Champ Bailey is way overrated, although, I do wish we had kept Fred Smoot, all things considered

Anonymous said...

Jake the Snake: best entrance music ever.

Unsilent Majority said...

jake the snake...once dated my former step mother

AwfulAnnouncing said...

Wow...are we all the same age? That Superbowl was one of my first memories as well....

My mom dated Murdock from the A-Team.

bigtdog said...

Awful Announcing:
Did Murdock give you nightmares?

I drank beers with the FaceMan!

Anonymous said...

A Redskins fans with the audacity to say he is "annoyed" by another teams fans? Oh my christ. Put your pig nose back on and sing that ripped off college fight song some more, it'll be ok.

Unsilent Majority said...

http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/gallery_photos/k0467.jpg

consider this case closed

A.R.P. said...

What's Dirk Benedict like in person?

Mike said...

Wow, someone who hates the Broncos more than I do! Nice work, unsilent majority!

dp said...

I have never met a Broncos fan that I like. One of my best friends is one, but I spit in his drink everytime he leaves it unattended during football season.

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

Pure garbage, UM. Absolute drivel. Usually I like your stuff. GO DONKS!

Denver, CO

Anonymous said...

Wow...a DC fan calling Denver a shithole? Wonders never cease.

Unsilent Majority said...

rich uncle, don't miss my Chiefs preview, it might settle the score.

and what's with denver breaking up their city based on directional markers...that's a dc thing

Ian said...

How dare you besmirch my team! Champ Bailey is not overrated, he simply lets wide recievers go by him because he wants to tire their legs out for the fourth quarter. The offensive line chop blocks because they are so small and the defensive line is so big; they have to protect themselves. Plus what NFL player can't take a little punishment? Like having being blocked by one lineman while another one comes in from the side to take out their legs. I mean that's why we stretch people, to keep those ACLs nice and loose.

Seriously though, next time I have an opportunity to exercise some road rage on Jake Plummer I'm not hitting the brakes.

Unsilent Majority said...

great takes ian. i'm down with anybody who can saber a bottle of Veuve (mmmm veuve).

NDEddiemac said...

Why so much hate UM? anyway, Jake will be fine man, he had a great regular season and only snapped because Troy Polamoalualaul started yelling some samoan crap and shaking his hair at him and he got confused. Ashley Lelie just needs to shut the hell up and it will all be fine

Rich Uncle Skeleton said...

For jeebus' sake...cut blocking is legal!! And EVERYONE does it, Denver just does it best. Remember Shanny getting pissed during one of his weekly press conferences, taking reporters into the film room and showing them tape of Pitt cut-blocking? Watch some Atlanta tape sometime, they cut block more than Denver (It's an Alex Gibbs specialty). It comes up during the competition committee meeting every year and every year the rule stays the same. Until it's outlawed, quitcher bitchin!

Directional markers? I don't think I know what you mean, UM

Unsilent Majority said...

northeast, soutwest, southeast etc.
cut blocking legal, chop blocking...not so much. of course denver isn't the only dirty bunch out there, but they do tend to put guys on the cart.

Anonymous said...

foreskin fans have no pretext by which to critique any other fan group.

silent minority said...

Ah, unsilent majority. The Ray Jackson of Kissing Suzy Kolber's fab five.

I think y'all just said "Well, he posts about six comments on every Deadspin post, so he's clearly got the free time needed to contribute to our blog". That must have been the sole requirement.

He's just not funny.

Unsilent Majority said...

yeah, well i had sex with your wife!

Captain Caveman said...

Silent Minority: C'mon now. Ray Jackson won the CBA Rookie of the Year award in '96.

Unsilent is more like Marlon Jackson.

Chillonamill said...

What’s with all the Redskin’s fans hating? Sounds like penis envy to me.

Unsilent Majority said...

just as long as i'm not tito.

chill- we're kind of frustrated after living through the vapid hole that exited between Joe Gibbs

jackson pollock joke said...

Um, try Scoop Jackson. Except instead of racism, UM trades in pedantry. Shit, who'm I kidding? While they're both as shallow as Carl Monday's nightly nocturnal emissions, at least Scoop knows where the comma key is.

Every boy's club has has the little weasel who sucks up to the big dogs and tries to trade on their cred. You're with me, sycophant. Whatever.

Note to CC: Loan the poor fool your copy of "Strunk and White", already...

Panger said...

"my redskins."

AND you hate the broncos?

i knew there was a reason i liked you guys.

besmirch away.

(formerly known as zen girl)

Unsilent Majority said...

you had me at "who'm"

jackson pollock joke said...

No. I think I had you at
t pedantic.

Unsilent Majority said...

You forgot "saucy" and "wretch" Mr. Donne.

p.s. I'm a big fan!

Chillonamill said...

That was possesive....I am a Redskins fan.I'm sick of having my team bashed by a bunch of mountain goats. Makes me want to go helmet first into a field barricade

D. Rock said...

As far as the Denver Broncos go, if their quarterback shares the nickname of a professional wrestler who broke into tears when his gimmick pet snake was sat on by a fat man referred to as "Earthquake"—and then "The Snake" returned to a drug habit before thumping the bible as his newfound gimmick—well, I think that gives you a pretty good idea of the emotional trust to invest in another team.

Long live Damian ... May anybody other than the Broncos take the West. I used to feel sorry for them before they won two in a row. Now they can politely disappear and let the Rockies have some spotlight as another attraction for an otherwise sport-deprived town (no offense, Colorado Avalanche).

Beban said...

Talk all the shit you want about Jake Plummer. The guy should have won the Heisman, took that craptacular ASU program to the Rose Bowl, beat the defending national champion Nebraska Cornholes 19-0, led the even more craptacular Arizona Menstruating bitches to the playoffs, and flipped off queer Broncos fan. The guy's a hero in my book, and I hate ASU.

bugeyed said...

Denver will never win another Super Bowl without "gummy-horsetooth" John "I am not Seinfeld" Elway.

Just like Green Bay will never win another Super Bowl with or without "vicadin-boy" Brett "I love Mark Chmura" Favre.

RedbirdTony said...

Not only did the Fake take my pathetic Cards to the playoffs, they beat the effing Cowboys... in Dallas... effectively ending the Triplets Dynasty. (That really did happen. I swear. I've got tape to prove it.)
Oh, and Jake groped a girl under her skirt in a bar in Tempe effecively pulling an "I'm Keith Hernandez."
Simply put, Jake Plummer is the balls.

Big Blue Monkey said...

I don't want to pimp my own site, but of course, I absolutely do. What about the Washington Cheerleaders, and what they think?
www.scuffedballs.blogspot.com has the answer.