Thursday, June 29, 2006

Kyle Orton Partying? Our Faith in Mankind is Shaken

An enterprising tipster alerted us (Note: this is not the royal "we." There are five of us) to these undated pictures on Facebook. Now, the official Kissing Suzy Kolber position on athletes partying is -- obviously -- Namathian, possibly even Smootian. So we're here not to tsk-tsk Bears "quarterback" Kyle Orton. We applaud his active nightlife. Judging by the first picture alone, his rookie season may have been better than Ben Roethlisberger's (sadly, Big Ben's face probably still looks better than Kyle's).

So, what to do with these gems? Caption contest!* KSK's one-liners are below each of the pics; hit us up with your best in the comments, you dirty fucking voyeurs. (And if the Internet is the Wild West of journalism/grammar, then our comments section is hereby declared the OK Corral. With a minefield. In a tornado.)

*No winner will be decided; no prize will be given.





CC
: Honestly, women like this don't even need a face.
UM: Kyle temporarily loses sight of the tits he was dancing with.
Drew: "Man, that girl has a nice ra... ooh, did someone just leave that half-empty Michelob with the two cigarette butts in it over in the corner? Things are looking up for Mr. Orton!"
MMP: Is he looking at her ass or is he asleep? Or is he just Vietnamese and nobody told me?





CC: Kyle, I've seen you move in the pocket. Your future's not that bright.
UM: To be fair, they were dancing to a Corey Hart cover band.
Drew: "Your watch, my dear... it's just so very bright! It's searing my retina! Vuarnets! I must... wear... the Vuarnets!"
MMP: Her watch says, "1:50." Her eyes say, "Where's Craig Krenzel?"



CC: Kyle practices his best chance for getting the starting job back.
UM: "You be Peyton and I'll be Kenny!"
Drew: "God dammit, where is your penis again? I know the dipshit with the water bottle doesn't have one, but yours must be somewhere."
MMP: I guess Orton wasn't just blowing games last season. Did that girl run off with Ced Benson?


Note: Footsteps Falco has a "deposition" -- whatever that is -- and will join the party when he's able.

UPDATE: Of course, Deadspin -- a website with which we're only vaguely familiar -- is the true trailblazer in the Orton chronicles. You can see him out partying here. Oh, and here. And look! No neck-beard here.

53 comments:

Dweeze said...

Does Kyle only hang out with women with men's faces?

the bone said...

This is the best Notre Dame tailgate yet.

shaun said...

Kyle: Maybe if I blow you I can get back on Deadspin!

Man getting blown: Sorry man I'm only worth Kissing Suzy Kolber.

lopey said...

kyle orton is my fucking hero. if the bears ever cut him i am no longer a fan.

WasteOfBreath said...

the all cliche edition...
1 - He's going to have to make some adjustments to pull this one out.
2 - You really want to come away with a score when you're this close
3 - It truly is a game of inches.

chiswede said...

You're with me, neckbeard.

Eric said...

Brook Berringer must be so proud.

He manTooth said...

Katie got some big tit-tays!

The Dude said...

Meh. Joey Harrington blows harder ... or is it sucks more? ... or does a better job? Ah, fuck it. Joey swallows!

Thank you for having me on your program.

Monday Morning Punter said...

I thought the girl was alright, Dweeze; why were you looking at her FACE? I won't say for sure, because I am an 'ass' man, and I'd need to see a full-body pic to be sure.

lopey said...

dweeze, have you seen kyle orton? for him to snag a pair of totties like that is an accomplishment unto itself.

eirishis said...

"Shit, I must have put the roofie in the wrong drink. I can't keep my eyes open ... fuck. Better put shades on so she doesn't know."

"Wait, now I can't see anything ... where did she go? Why am I in this car? And why am I going face first into ... oh, actually, this is kind of alright ... "

[darkness]

Danny Boy said...

Drink like a backup quarterback today

kd bart said...

1) Man, I haven't seen udders as nice as these since Freshmen cow tipping.

Anonymous said...

"The view from here is NOT SOOO GOOOOOOOD."

"Just another incomplete Kyle Orton pass."

Gentlemen,
Congrats on the new site.
Best wishes.

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

"So you're sure this homeless guy isn't going to tell anyone we double-teamed him in the limo?"
"Naw, dude, it's cool, we'll just dump his body in the bushes, it's not like anyone will notice he's gone."

Chad Pennington's Ghost said...

"I wanna kisssss your asssss, YEAHHHH!"

Anonymous said...

wow, orton is FAT

Cameron (Go Lions) said...

third pic-"i wish he would hurry up and finish, abercrombie and fitch closes in twenty minutes"

Filthy Fowl said...

When she's much older and done banging second stringers, I see this woman becoming a major cougar.

Juancho said...

Man, it's going to be like this every single day around here, isn't it?

Badclown said...

Bear down, Chicago Bear

Anonymous said...

1- you're with me , tranny!
2- paris hilton is getting desperate
3- kyle getting some practice for his big date with strahan

Tom said...

Something about a Cover Two.

Anonymous said...

Last pic: "Orton tries out for a spot on the Bang Bus"

Zebrahunter said...

Really, if I suck hard enough I can get Jack Daniels out of there?

Scott said...

1) Tubbs McButter looks upon his evening prey. No, not Hooter McBoob in front of him, the tray of donuts in the corner.
2) Shane MacGowan shown at local pub.
3) No really, why is Kyle Orton biting a guys dick?

NoUseForAName said...

Picture 3:
Oh, no! Not the breathalizer again!

lopey said...

by the way, is this girl kyle's fiance/wife/girlfriend (whatever the fuck she is now)...because, although im not sure..the girl in the second picture on this deadspin post http://www.deadspin.com/sports/nfl/oh-you-didnt-forget-about-kyle-did-you-164069.php seems like she may be the same one in these pictures.

and also notice the guy on the far right, not getting his dick bitten, is in the first picture in the bottom right on that deadspin post. just sayin.

Son of Brasky said...

At least Orton is moving up the depth chart. So far, this is the best looking skank I've seen in an drunken-Orton picture yet.

SlickBomb said...

If Grossman gets injured again (and at this point it's a certainty) this man will hold the Bears franchise in his hands. I can't wait for the 06-07 season!

lopey said...

actually, slickbomb, orton is third on the depth chart behind brian griese.

Shorty said...

He manTooth said...
Katie got some big tit-tays!

11:32 AM

Dammit what is this from, it's killing me!

Unsilent Majority said...

the mad real world of course

Anonymous said...

it is from Chapelle Show skit "Mad Real World", Tron said it about the white guys girlfriend

BigTDog said...

Why can't I quit you Kyle Orton?

Anonymous said...

This is why Kyle Orton should be every former high school athlete's hero. Raise your hand if you think you could beat Kyle in the 40 yard dash today...and raise your other hand if you think you could throw the ball just as well as Orton...I'm pretty sure that Michael Jackson is better athlete than Kyle Orton but at least Kyle is going down on somebody older than 12. Then again, the guy on the right might be waiting for Wacko Jacko

chiswede said...

I'll bet Kyle could throw a football over them mountains.

lopey said...

or at least a steak.

Unsilent Majority said...

chiswede, he's not Bill Brasky!

chiswede said...

UM, I just meant the mountains in the picture.

Silky McGee said...

Picture 3: "Hey guy in middle, you don't think there should be offsides in soccer? What a great idea! I'm not gay but you definitely deserve to be rewarded for your brilliance."

Caveman's not gonna like this one...

Anonymous said...

you know all he is going to do is take her home and show her game film. "Look, this is where I suck".

mutoni said...

so far, so good, kids. i'll be reading.

Ookdilla said...

I need to take a dump but those tits are so nice. Nnnh, searing abdominal cramp. Must not leave tits! Starting to sweat from holding it in. Must not leave tits! Nnnh.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

1. You want Urlacher's autograph? I'm the guy.
2. I'm the new Jim McMahon, dammit! I am! Yes, the new McMahon. Somebody pay attention to me!

Spectacular Sam said...

Holy shit, that looks exactly like my neck-beard.

Andrew said...

Last pic: Okay, you be Dickie V, and I'll be J.J.

Bjorn Randolph said...

This time next year, when young Kyle is selling real estate for a living and trying to convince people that he really was once an NFL quarterback, a starter no less... he will savour these mammaries.

t said...

"Yeah, I'll wear these shades so no one will recognize me."

(10 minutes later to any woman within 20 feet, still wearing the glasses) "Hey, I'm a football player with the Chicago Bears, a quarterback even. Don't ya wanna sleep with me? C'mon. Please???!!!!! Hell nah I'm not taking the shades off, I don't want people recognizing me.

eskimo said...

Caption for the 3rd photo:

Hey, take a look at this play Kordell taught me!

diz2000 said...

thank god he is our third stringer vagaboned bears fan....

diz2000 said...

oh and by the could he be ant more ugly lol