Thursday, June 29, 2006

The 10 NFL Players Most Likely To Be Gay, Part I

Gayness is strictly verboten in NFL locker rooms. Well, I mean, apart from butt slapping. Oh, and hugging. And gang showers. And popping champagne bottles so that they gush all over your teammate in one glorious stream. Otherwise, the NFL definitely stands for NO FAGS LINEBACKING! (UM: If only you knew what Terry Tate was up to behind closed doors)

But if you go by statistics (I think it’s 1 in 10, which means one tenth of me is fucking flaming), the NFL has its share of gay players. Only a choice few, including former Viking and erstwhile Chili’s spokesman Esera Tuaolo, even came out AFTER their careers were over. “Career” being a loosely defined term here.

But at KSK, we’re not afraid to tackle topics that are taboo. Or topics that used to be taboo, only to become passé, and then taboo once more amongst all the passé people of the world. We know gay. We're five men running a blog together. It gets no gayer than that. We're like the Queer Eye Fab Five. I'd be Ted. He knows wine. Caveman would be Jai, the useless dipshit who makes the Straight Guy string together seashell necklaces for his wife.

(Captain Caveman: I'm Jai? Ouch. Well, I guess it could be worse. UM is totally Carson.)

(UM: I think I just thew up in Bill Simmons's mouth. And just for the record, I'd put my passion for the vino up against anyone in the blogosphere...not that there's anything wrong with it.)

So here’s your scientific study of 10 NFL players who, if drunk, would say to Suzy Kolber, "You know what? I do not wish to kiss you, Suzy Kolber. Nor do I wish to buy your ghetto-ass Chevy truck. I do care if the team is strugggggling, because there is some hot ass out on that field."


1. Terrell Owens
This is obvious. Lots of people say Owens performs touchdown dances. That’s wrong. Acting out scenes with only a football as your prop isn’t dance. It’s mime. And you know where mime comes from? France. And you know where gayness comes from? That’s right, TO. Alienate all the teammates you want. We know it’ll never hide your secret love of having red-hot, Francophilic buttsex while imagining you’re trapped inside a box.


2. Jeff Garcia
We all know this has been rumored. But really, is there anything even remotely exciting about Jeff Garcia coming out of the closet? Is he anywhere near flamboyant enough? Flipper Anderson would turn over in his grave.


3. Brett Favre
What do all white gay men do when they approach middle age? That’s right. They shave their heads. Oh, I know Favre said he was just “supporting his wife,” but the novelty of that wore off a long time ago, my friends. You don’t get the kind of gushing praise Favre gets without taking Peter King on a fishing trip (in Kiln, Mississippi! Did you know that’s where Brett is from? He’s from Kiln!), and giving him a whole new definition of the term “beat writer.”


4. Donovan McNabb
Every gay couple I’ve known (and I have known oceans of them) consists of a queen and a straight man. And McNabb takes that high, straight road so well. Why did TO dump him? I have a feeling McNabb’s dickdo had something to do with it. What’s a dickdo, you ask? Well, it’s when your belly sticks out further than your dickdo.


5. Jamal Lewis
Hey, I didn’t say the people on this list had to be gay on purpose.

We’ll do Part II after I’m done gallivanting around training camps in my best latex outfit. (UM: I can't wait until your kids are old enough to read this)

52 comments:

Underpants Gnome said...

Is Marteeeen Grammatica still in the NFL?

Danny Boy said...

Owens? What could possibly be gay about running around in spandex...And doing shirtless situps...and playing with pompoms...and crying on ESPN...and...nevermind.

He manTooth said...

J.P. Losman better be on part II.

Fornelli said...

If the latest Kyle Orton pics aren't enough to make him gay, well then I guess my old science teacher wasn't lying to me.

Anonymous said...

The Losman mention made me think of yet another shitty Bills QB - Rob Johnson. The guy had to be gay, it's not possible to suck that much and not be practicing on a sack or two a night.

paul coffman said...

I guess that explains the sports hernia. hey were's Lynn Dickey?

Anonymous said...

the pictures are funny, but the article isn't. i was excited about this blog. i am not excited about having fun at the expense of a group of nice people who already get harassed by rednecks, republicans, and every other form of jackass. i don't know a single gay person who is interested in being linked to T.O., favorably or otherwise.
it would be great if we could not perpetuate the false notion that in order to enjoy sports you must also be a bigoted prick. thanks.

Beban said...

Anonymous is right. The idea that you have to be a bigoted asshole to enjoy sports is bullshit.

You don't have to be, it just makes the jokes funnier.

The bone said...

I cant quit you Kenny.
-Peyton

Monday Morning Punter said...

i don't know a single gay person who is interested in being linked to T.O., favorably or otherwise.


So you're not bigoted if you're gay and you hate TO?

shaun said...

You know who else is gay? Peter King. What a piece of [deleted] he is, [deleted] fag.

lopey said...

losman, manning (both) and joey harrington should all make an entrance on the second part.

wasteofbreath said...

ahhh...this reminds me of a classic tale that made the rounds in the early 90's involving a certain green bay quarterback (not farve), a local weatherman and a pizza delivery guy - most likely an urban legend, but it made for good gossip on the playground

Scott said...

Is Kordel still playing?

Captain Caveman said...

it would be great if we could not perpetuate the false notion that in order to enjoy sports you must also be a bigoted prick.

Lighten up, Francis. And bring the funny or get the fuck out.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

Yes! Great idea for a post! As a Giants fan I am willing to submit the name Michael Strahan. Too obvious? Of course. But to quote wide receiving Terrell Owens, "By golly it's a rat."

Tom Brady is beyond obvious as well.

And how about Torry Holt? Even if he's not gay, he's superfabulous.

Unsilent Majority said...

Scott, Kordell retired to a private villa with his life partner Michael Westbrook (just don't tell Stephen Davis)

lopey said...

even if brady is gay, have you seen his fucking girlfriend? i would give my left nut to be that gay.

Dweeze said...

Where you been, anonymous? The entire NFL is gay. Aerospace, too, and the railroads. And you know what else? Broadway.

GamecockTony said...

Wait, Dweeze.
Broadway is gay?!
Next thing, you will be telling me that there are a lot of Italians in crime and jewish people in the media.
in the words of Cosmo K - "You just blew my mind."

Does Kurt Warner count as gay because he is married to a man?

Anonymous said...

How about we ammend the list to include announcers. Heading the list HAS GOT TO BE Stephen A. Smith. It's funny cause it's true.

lopey said...

by the way...5 guys running a blog and all you can muster is one post a day? shit.

Captain Caveman said...

Wow, Day 3 of existence and already they clamor for more.

Sorry, lopey, I wish we could promise more production, but it's probably going to stay this way for a while. At least until I get fired.

Anonymous said...

Cap'n: is the funny going to get here soon? Cause the GDR/Arg match is about to start and I have to run.

You know who are really good at identifying and writing the funny about gays? Fags. Why don't you ask them for an edit?

Switz said...

You know how I know you're gay?

1337towelhead said...

shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turds and twat

Switz said...

"shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turds and twat"

Tourettes is funny.....

lopey said...

leet towelhead makes an excellent point.

Unsilent Majority said...

Perhaps the frequency of the posts will increase once the nfl...uh...starts.

people who post anonymously are gayer than BDD's latex bodysuit

bluephog said...

can i add sean salisbury? because he's got to be. explains the salisbury-clayton spats on sports center.

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

Is there a reason why a majority of the possible homersexuals are QB's as opposed to, say, European Kickers/Punters? Does it have something to do with “intangibles?”
And as a straight man, I would like to say that I would feel like a beautiful princess in Jeff Garcia's arms. Er, what?
Also, Anon, don't feel that the KSK'ers are picking on gay people, I have a feeling they will insult every race, creed, gender, socio-political, religious, etc. class at some point or another. It's kind of what they do.

Anonymous said...

Martin "Automatica" Gramatica is trying to replace Adam Vinarieri for the Patriots, and i would efinately place hime on this list.

HERE is a recent photo. Is there anything more gay and less masculine than that image? Also, as a Bucs season ticket holder, I can tell you that most women at Bucs games would wear Gramatica jerseys because he was "soooo cute".

the bone said...

I dont know if Heath Shuler is gay, but he certainly ruined a couple years of my life.

Tom said...

I can tell you this: Health Shuler is gay, and wasted two years of my life.

Unsilent Majority said...

he's a wannabe republican congressman from north carolina

OF COURSE HE IS!

8====D~~(____o____) said...

McNabb gay??

well snap my thong and call me jim

Why Can't we have caps in our names? said...

my name should have been

8=====D~~~(__o__)

Ted Striker said...

Chris Simms. He could suck the white off rice. Besides, his dad's friends in the booth have been blowing him ever since he was at Texas.

Mike Brown said...

What about Johnny Morton. Millen flat-out called him gay last year. Everyone had an uproar about how inappropriate it was, but nobody, not even Morton, denied it.

Unsilent Majority said...

morton can do the worm...there is no dance move that displays more hetero street cred

Buckaroo Banzai said...

Parcells: So, T.O., what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?

T.O: What?!!

Parcells: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your daughters! T.O is on the town!

T.O.: Oh! Of course

Beth said...

Shockey- methinks he doth protest too much. Besides, no straight white man has abs that fantastic.

Peyton- COWROTE a Chesney song.

Alex Smith- his eyebrows. On the other hand, one would think he'd do a better job if he were gay.

Ookdilla said...

peDo owners count? Jerry Jones definitely looks like a bitch after that Godawful facelift. Actually, he kinda looks like Phyllis Diller.

I'm not so sure about Robert Kraft, either. He looks like an aryan Vito Spatafore. Same body type, same hairdo, same arrogant look in his eye. Actually, I'm picturing Kraft in Vito's biker bar ensemble right now... Wait, that doesn't make me gay does it?

diz2000 said...

could kyle orton be any more ugly !!! man did he get hit with the ugly stick big time lol

diz2000 said...

any time i see breet faver i have to say that he sucks and is very gay looking packers suck bears rule baby...

Anonymous said...

Are we using "gay" in the I-like-man-sex type way? are we using "gay" in the everything-I-didn't-like-about-anything-when-I-was-12-was-GAY type way?

In any case, Jeff Garcia looks like Boggs from Shawshank...which makes him gay under either definition.

Unsilent Majority said...

anon, i obviously didn't write the post but my understanding is that it's a harmonious combination of the two.
by the way, i will no longer look at jeff garcia the same again. that is a truly deadon comparisson

ojarhead said...

Here

I'm pretty sure this is Jeff Garcia posing for some marketing material for the summer high school quarterback camp he used to run back when he was with Frisco.

wes said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
wes said...

badass site. i would like to nominate david boston for consideration in the top 5 nfl mariottis.

Anonymous said...

Is there anything more Gay than Canada ??

Ricky Williams loves the cock !!

Brian 3000 said...

Tim Hardaway not on this list?