Friday, January 5, 2007

KSK Top Secret Playoff Scouting Report Bukkake - Cowboys vs. Seahawks

Creepy Scoutmaster hat trick is in full effect.

Against nearly any other opponent, Seattle's atrocious play at home this year would provide little reason to expect a Seahawk victory tomorrow afternoon. However, Dallas has looked like dogshit the last month and got molested at home last week by the Detroit Freaking Lions. Romo's swag is no longer phenomenal. I'll leave it to the football Illuminati to explain the whys and wherefores about opponents' increasing familiarity and mechanics. For all we know the Mooninites may have stole Romo's Foreigner Belt. But, the Cowboys folding like a pup tent the past few weeks may have more to do with eroding team morale than the league wising us to Jefe Romo.

Fill your eyes... WITH DOUBLE VISION !!!

According to Deadspin, people who know much more about the NFL than I do are picking the Cowboys. From a wagering standpoint, I just don't see it. It's one thing to pick Dallas to win in the abstract when only nebulous blog-cred is at stake. But only a desperate reprobate or incorrigible gambling addict would actually wager real American currency on that dysfunctional array of back-stabbing, in-fighting egomaniacs. Bottom line: why in the hell would anyone bet on a struggggling rookie quarterback on the road in his first playoff start on the road against the defending conference champ when you're only get two-and-a-half measly points?

Holmgren already beat Parcells in the Super Bowl,
but Google seems unimpressed.

A disturbing sub-plot of potentially far deeper ramifications than the short-lived playoff aspirations of either of these suspect teams: we could be rapidly approaching the end of the line for Bill Parcells. There is a lot of talk that a loss tomorrow will be his swan song. Such a middling departure is hardly benefiting the legend of the Tuna. Sure, Parcells is an over-the-hill shell of his former self (cup-size notwithstanding), but he is still one of the league's richest sources of comedic inspiration.

Tuna: still angry about his most recent battle with Holmgren.

Without Parcells' increasing bust size and his 'go-fuck-yourself' A's to the media's Q's, the NFL is a far less humorous place. Yet absent, a remarkable turn-around from the Cowboys, we may be seeing the end of an era tomorrow. I always kind of figured he would either go out with a) another Super Bowl; or B) nasty public feud with Jerry Jones that ended in an abrupt firing and possible fistfight in the streets of Deep Ellum.

Looks like this weekend could be the end of the line for the Cowboys' season and Tuna's coaching career. Sorry about your season Dallas fans, maybe Michael Irvin's "friend" will facilitate your bender Saturday night.


Chris said...

I wonder what the parties were like back in the day with Nate and Michael.

The Last Unitard said...

I don't need no instructions to know how to rock.

chiswede said...

Parcells would like the media to observe the digital dong.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Bitch Tits Tuna is going to lose tomorrow night.

gymclassheroes said...

"NOVEMBER 28--Michael Irvin fingered his brother..."

Um, does anyone else have a problem w/how this sentence starts?


chiswede said...

I'll bet Michael Irvin's brother does.

Gustakooka said...

TJ Donkey Pornstar. That is a sweet sweet nickname. Yeah, Mike, I mean, MR. TJ Donkey Pornstar

J.L. White said...

Parcells may win the Man Boob War, but the Seahawks are taking this game. Here's a little inside info on tomorrow's game: The weather here in Seattle is BRU-fucking-TAL. Pouring down rain, huge wind gusts....and it might be even worse tomorrow.

I know everyone is picking the Big Blue Star for this game, but when you actually look past the history, you'll see that Tony Homo and the Cowgirls are in no shape to get out victorious.

I may be a total homer, and may spout off about lynching Steeler fans (which I actually won't do), but I think a lot of people will be wrong tomorrow.

TroubleHelix said...

weather has died down but all of seattle is going crazy right now. and by "all of seattle" i mean me and my cat in my apartment....

swing4 said...

Please tell me there was a Caveman v. flubby bet involving butter riding on this game.