Prop Bets: The Last Refuge of the Stupid and Drunk

Welcome to a special mid-week edition of Always Be Covering. For some people the Super Bowl is more than a game between two teams they don't care about. For them it's more than an unofficial holiday, for them it's an opportunity to gamble away their great-grandmother's collection of 19th century anal beads. We are those people--our grandma rules.

Today we're taking a special interest in the great tradition that of Super Bowl prop wagers. Whereas traditional bets are a legitimate source of income prop bets are nothing but entertainment--terrifying yet potentially orgasmic entertainment. Every week of the NFL season you can bet on such props as Peyton's interception total (take the over!) what makes this week special is the opportunity to bet on the stupidest shit possible.

Let's take a look at a couple of the more unique Super Bowl props along with some I'd like to see (you can always play along at home, all you need is something to bet on and two willing participants--or one willing participant and an unconscious guy with cash sticking out of his pocket).

Yeah, this should go well.

Duration of the National Anthem as performed by Billy Joel: 1:44

This is the one prop bet that's caught everyone's attention, much to the delight Bodog.com. Face it, the only way to tolerate Billy Joel is to stare at a clock screaming "Shoe money tonight!" When it comes to wagering there are three possible outcomes:

1. The old bastard puts his own touch on the anthem but keeps it to a reasonable 90 seconds.

2. He's so fucking hammered by the time his cue arrives (sometime around 10:30 pm) that he starts singing mumbling Movin' Out halfway through. He finishes up a few minutes later.

3. He has a handshake agreement to finish in exactly 1:44 making every wager placed a loser. I'm already pissed at that asshole because I know it's going to happen.

Props I'd rather see...
a. Number of times I refer to Peyton as the "Uptown Girl": 1.5
b. Number of times I refer to Peyton as "That Bitch": 673.5

Who will have more: Dixie Chicks Grammy Awards vs. Peyton Manning Total Rushing Attempts

Peyton Manning hates those overrated bitches, you don't even know. One time they were backstage with Kenny Chesney and they told him he had fat thighs and a pitchy voice. When Kenny came home crying to Peyton it was apparent that their romantic weekend was ruined. It was then that Peyton swore revenge on triad the of rugmunchers. There will be no mercy.

Props I'd rather see...
a. Who will have more: Peyton Manning's audibles vs. Drew' bowel movements
b. Who will have more: CBS' sideline reports vs. Ape's beers

Prince will slip and fall off the stage: +1000

All things considered, those odds suck balls. Still, I might lay down the $5 minimum just in case. Imagine somebody retelling the story of Prince's epic fall at the Super Bowl, now imagine chiming in with "yeah, I made five large off of that." Admit it, that would be the highlight of your sad little life.

Props I'd rather see...
a. Prince's dick will slip and fall out of his pants: +2500
b. The Sex Cannon will impregnate Prince: +10000

Let's hear your prop bets in the comment section.