Monday, January 15, 2007

KSK Gamebook: Divisional Playoff Weekend


-I had a stomach virus on Friday night. This excited me thoroughly because I figured I'd be sick all weekend, which would leave me free to watch all 4 games in bed, help myself to all the Scweppes ginger ale and toast with jam I pleased, and masturbate every hour on the hour. Instead, I was healthy by Saturday morning but had passed on the virus to Mrs. Drew, leaving me to care for both her and the Girl. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: God is the biggest hater of them all.

-Can we get Bill Belichick some fucking sunglasses? The guy has won multiple championships and is considered a brilliant strategic mind by football people and even business leaders, yet it never occurs to him to have some piss boy bring him a pair of Ray-Bans? What a fucking moron.

-I see that Diet Pepsi is the official soft drink of the NFL. Here's a question: WHY? Is the average NFL fan also suffering from menopause? Diet Pepsi ads belong in the mid-day media buy along with ads for tampons, anti-aging cream, and detergent. When I go to a bar to a watch a game, there's a maximum of one person drinking a Diet Pepsi there, and it's usually the one fag who offers to be the designated driver and then actually follows through with NOT DRINKING. I hate people like that.

-I've decided Lovie Smith looks like OJ Simpson. And he's married to a white woman. And he has an eerily calm demeanor to him. I bet he totally likes golf. I know you probably think I think all black people look alike. But I can't help that. Malcolm Gladwell says that's, like, science and shit. Besides, black people are dark, so it's harder to see them clearly. Don't shoot the messenger.

-And while I'm being racist, James Brown in HD looks like Dr. Julius Hibbert.

Mrs. Simpson, I'm afraid your husband is dead. Ho ho ho, April Fool's!

-If I could rid the world of one annoying thing about pre-game shows (and the range of choices here is fucking staggering), it's the "let's all gather on a 5" x 5" piece of Astroturf here in the studio, take off our jackets, and reenact plays!" thing all the analysts do. Siragusa did it DURING THE GAME on Saturday night.

Here's a quick note to all the former player analysts out there: GIVE IT UP. You are no longer an active player. The dream is over. Take the broken shards of what remains of your life and go have a good long cry over it, you worthless bunch of Gavin fucking Greys. There aren't scouts watching you. You are old and unwanted now. Younger men have taken your place. And, no matter how hard you try, you will eventually be forgotten and horribly crippled by age 45. I don't need to see you lining up in a three technique. Go somewhere and die with a whimper. Dipshits.


I was the number one star! In the world! You hear me? Bang! In the wooooorld!

-I know we poke fun at Rex Grossman now and then on this site. But seriously, he's by far the most entertaining quarterback the Bears have had since Jim McMahon. Bears fans, c'mon. You really want to bench the Sex Cannon for Brian Griese? Where's your sense of adventure? Griese is like the missionary position. Grossman is like being blindfolded and tied to a tire swing. Sure, you may die. But you were seizing the day by its balls, dammit!

-Rubber floors, Bud Light? I'm waiting for the follow-up ad where the beer that bounced off the rubber floor detonates like a goddamn H-bomb when someone opens it. That'll get you a quick visit with Dr. James Brown.

-I have often wondered to myself why I hate Peyton Manning. Whenever I watch the Colts play, I root against him with great fervor. But why? Peyton Manning is a nice person who studies his ass off, plays hard, usually exhibits class on and off the field, and runs an incredibly entertaining offense.

And I think the reason I hate him is because, through no fault of his own, Manning has been afforded every opportunity in life to succeed. He was likely made quarterback of his team from grade school on, with access to all the resources he could possibly need to improve every step of the way. Which is fine. I have no issue with that. More power to him. What I do have a problem with is, when Manning does falter, people in the media still go out of their way to cut him slack. And he doesn't fucking need it. No one hates the coach's kid, they hate the unnecessary coddling of the coach's kid. The guy's already got it made. Let him sweat a little, for shit's sake. And if he mentions even the faintest hint of an excuse himself, it's all the worse. Peyton Manning, you are Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes. I bet you had lobster for dinner last night. Blow me.

And get some moisturizer while you're at it. You'll have Edward James Olmos' complexion in ten years, douchebag.

-(NOTE: This doesn't mean I'm rooting for New England Sunday. I'm rooting, of course, for a tragic blimp accident.)

-If someone out there could get Tony Siragusa a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up, I'd appreciate it.

-The Internet ruined Joe Buck for me. Not to say I was some Joe Buck groupie before. But the game would come on and I'd think, "Oh hey, Joe Buck is calling the game. Okay. You know what's underrated? Egg salad." That is to say, he never actively bothered me. I know the whole Moss thing was annoying, but Buck basically had to pooh-pooh the whole thing as part of the Fox Hypocrisy Training Seminar Program. And I know Red Sox fans have long hated Buck. But Red Sox Nation can eat a fat dick. I still didn't mind the guy.

Of course, the more I read about what a smug prick Buck is, the more inclined I am to notice any haughty douchebaggery he may emanate during the broadcast. So now I'm watching the Bears-Seahawks game and all I can think is, "God, I hate that asshole." Same thing happened for me with Joe Morgan. Damn you, ebays! Stop uncovering the truth about people!

-At the end of Jackass 2, everyone shaves their pubes and tricks Ehren McGhehey into gluing the pubes onto his face as a fake beard. That's the first thing I think of when I see Dick Stockton's hair.

-For comedic purposes, it's hard not to pull for a Bears-Colts Super Bowl. Then again, if you like watching entertaining football, there's really only one way to go: Go Saints.

ONE LAST NOTE: To anyone who would dare make fun of the fact that Prince is playing the halftime show at the Super Bowl, die. Prince fucking rules. I am fucking psyched. If he plays "I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man," I'm gonna have a mangasm.

37 comments:

5150cd said...

If it's the Saints and Colts, who does the NFL big-shots give the game too?

Clint said...

almost 1st.

Drew your stuff is the shit of legends.

If I could I'd award you with a Sexy Rexy Grossman crusty cum-covered cup-cake.

Clint said...

And by the way,

James Brown is the bizzaro world of Dr. Julius Hibbert. lmfaorof!

doug_plank said...

"usually the one fag who offers to be the designated driver"

Designated drivers...the life saving nerd.

James Brown was on the Simpsons and he looked like Bill Cosby.


Eeerie.

peter king crowned my ass said...

I'm rooting, of course, for a tragic blimp accident.

-Goodyear?

-No, the worst.

chiswede said...

Yesterday during the Bears game, when Seattle got flagged for a false start on a 4th and 4 for the Bears, Buck said "and that might be a first down for the Bears." Really Joe? Is there a 3 yard penalty all of us plebes don't know about? Douche.

Grimey said...

Who is Frank Grimes?

Kasko said...

Chiswade, Joe isn't too good at math, if you watched the whole game, as he at one point asked Aikman, "I wasn't a former player, what size spikes are bigger, 3/8th or 1/2?"

Now, Joe, I quit football after 6th grade, but I did make my way through 3rd grade fractions and could take a stab at that question for ya.

The Moose said...

Man I love this BLOG! Keep typing!

maven said...

Jesus. I'm glad someone FINALLY mentioned the insanely lame re-enactment segments on pre-game shows. Have some pride, people.

anon said...

> Then again, if you like watching entertaining football, there's really only one way to go: Go Saints.

What ever happened to Rex "Entertainer of the Year" Grossman?

Oh, wait.

"Entertaining football."

I see now.

anon said...

And, FWIW, I don't know who started telling people that the entire city of Chicago was begging for Griese, but some of us Chicagoans were cutting Rex slack far before he was even a twinkle of cannon juice in Rachel Nichols' brown eye.

Chris said...

some of us Chicagoans were cutting Rex slack far before he was even a twinkle of cannon juice in Rachel Nichols' brown eye.

wow just wow

doug_plank said...

Prince needs to sing "Darlin' Nikki" at the Super Bowl with Rex playing cowbell.

I was mocked for wearing my Grossman jersey which I purchased earlier in the season.

Maybe it is because it's the bright orange version.

russell lucas said...

Best Joe Buck moment during Bears-Seahawks was when Tank Johnson sacks Hasselbeck at the end of the game and Buck refers to "all he's been through" like he was a fuckin' released hostage or something, and not a guy building a home arsenal who just had to have Dial-a-Tough send over a new bodyguard.

Byrd said...

I agree Russell lucas. I pontificated about that for at least 5 minutes to my uninformed roomate at the time. What a joke. Although his inability to do fractions was pretty hilarious.

Unsilent Majority said...

I will proudly wear my Sexy Rexy Gators jersey until the end of time. I wouldn't even wipe my ass with a Brian Griese Michigan jersey

anon said...

> ... a guy building a home arsenal who just had to have Dial-a-Tough send over a new bodyguard.

I realize serious indignation is not the most fitting style for KSK, but I do take issue with this. The man who was killed, nominally of Tank's "security detail," was in fact Tank's best friend since childhood.

His best friend of over a decade, murdered right in front of his eyes.

Yes, Joe Buck's a huge douchebag. Sadly, he's far from alone.

As for the "arsenal", fwiw: in certain states, having three handguns and three rifles in your home would probably qualify you to run for President some day.

(Not to mention that the guns were found in the course of a mid-day drug raid featuring the local SWAT team, some wicked awesome smoke grenades and a busted door. A drug raid that netted, what, 2 oz. of pot? And resulting in six misdemeanor charges for not having a Firearm Owners Identification Card? Charges that may be throw out because he's a legal resident of Arizona? That's some sweet lawnorder right there, boys. Gurnee style.)

OK... now back to your regularly-scheduled semen jokes.

BoSox Siobhan said...

God-dammit, I love the "Dirty Mind" CD. But now that the Jehovah's Witnesses got a-hold of Prince, I'm sure we won't hear anything titillating.

Clint said...

As far as prince goes, I wanna hear "Little Red Corvette"

Robin said...

Remember Pepsi One? Diet Pepsi was already marketed as a chick drink, so rather than confuse its image and risk losing the female market, Pepsico came out with a new product and marketed it toward men. It failed miserably. So now they just said, fuck it, we'll go with Diet Pepsi anyway. [I know someone at Pepsico and this was pretty much the gist of the memo.]

I think the Patriots picked the sunny sideline because it's warmer.

I thought the Siragusa explanation was great, especially considering that he got his point across in fifteen seconds. I wish I could have been sitting in that end zone to watch them rehearse it.

I'm just waiting -- hoping -- praying -- for Grossman to get "Sex Cannon" tattooed on his right bicep.

anon said...

> I'm just waiting -- hoping -- praying -- for Grossman to get "Sex Cannon" tattooed on his right bicep.

... And "Dr. Cumslinger, D.D.S." on his left glute.

bleedjetgreen said...

BDD... just epic stuff. I shudder (in terror?) to posts are being drafted for the Pats/Colts showdown this weekend.

PS - Dude, sunglasses would totally spoil the "homeless guy" look Belichick is aiming for. What will Brady, et al, think if he's sporting some Ray Bans?

Ruthless Gravity said...

I was half expecting a reply from The Big O.

mind... said...

I feel the exact same way about Peyton Manning, the Bud Light commercial, and the Saints Superbowl.

eerie...

Beantown said...

That's some funny shit bdd...

Totally agree with the in studio field rendition of the power sweep with sloop-eyed Stuart Scott at QB. This is the same guy that took a football in the eye thinking he could catch a pass, your quite an athlete Stu!

Of course, I hate Manning as well. I would forgo any future super bowls as long as he doesn't get one. I think it's because the media sucks him off over his regular season stats but can't win shit. We have all been taught it's about winning since we were kids.

Joe Buck just thinks he is the shit and is extremely funny (someone needs to tell him, he's not!).

Tea Blogger said...

Prince should sing "Pussy Control" while the Sex Cannon bangs Miami ladies as an appetizer to the grand finale of tang that he will be dining with after he wins the Super Bowl.

blacknote said...

Prince is the fucking man. He dresses like a woman and still has sex with some of the hottest women around. He should give the "Sex Cannon" lessons.

Unsilent Majority said...

beantown- sadly enough stu was a pretty good athlete. when he injured the eye he was participating in a Jets tryout and reports said he was handling himself pretty well with the other receivers...until the jugs machine did everyone a favor.

Run Up The Score! said...

The most disturbing thing about Siragusa's blocking demonstration is the fatties he had lined up at the other lineman positions? Did he have to recruit those guys? Wouldn't that kill any remaining self-esteem a 310-pounder had? Hey, Meatball! You're about my size, can you bend over far enough to get in a three-point stance on national television?

Signal to Noise said...

I want Prince to go all out -- play either "Little Red Corvette," "Raspberry Beret," or "Gett Off" while resuscitating the assless pants again. "I Could Never Take the Place of You Man" would be awesome too. I could even live with "Kiss."

Of course, he'll probably play something off Musicology or 3121, and those albums really were like seeing an ex for the first time in years. You were happy to see that he/she was still around and doing well, but you weren't interested the way you used to be.

Beantown said...

UM - I did hear he took one from the Jugs machine but I thought he was just fucking around at some team's camp. I hear this is a humor site so let me throw my hat into the ring. What exactly does it take "to be holding your own" at a Jets tryout? Now that's funny....

Unsilent Majority said...

well the tryout was for guys trying to make a team so they weren't actually jets as of yet. he was there because of espn but i guess he took it pretty seriously and got himself into shape.

rar288 said...

I don't care what anyone says, Tony Siragusa is mantastic, and makes very entertaining in-between play rants.

Mike said...

rar, that makes one of you.

highonLowe said...

geez, am I the only one that thinks Prince is terrible?

GTF said...

Yes, you are the only one who thinks prince is terrible. I have decided to quite blogging, because this blog is perfect, nothing can surpass this blog, well god damn done.