Monday, November 20, 2006

If I Did Shit In Tupperware As A Secret Santa Gift Once, Here's How It Happened


NOTE: Like certain other people, I consulted carefully with my lawyer prior to writing this, so every word you are about to read is entirely theoretical, and therefore inadmissible in a court of law.

This whole thing didn't happen about 12 years ago. I attended a rather snooty prep school in New England. And by "I", I mean an undetermined, imaginary person.

There may or may not have been a traditional Secret Santa gift giveaway in my dorm. And this alleged giveaway could be construed in one's imagination as being rather evil. See, the idea was to give an incredibly cruel and spiteful gift, as opposed to a nice one. Again, this isn't the truth. But if it were, this is a reasonable idea of what it would sound like.

Now I may or may not have been the beneficiary of some mean-spirited gifts as an underclassman. One time a senior stole all the things in my room and them gave them back to me. So I (again hypothetically) was all too eager to take my spite out on a junior named Billy (not his real name, not even a real person) that I liked making fun of. So I may have intentionally picked Billy's name out of the draw. But there's no proof that was premeditated. That name in the hat could have been planted. By me.

Then, I may or may not have procured a Rubbermaid container from the local grocery store. Again, the details are fuzzy. This is strictly a dramatization inside my own head of how this thing played out, because I totally didn't do it. I also didn't take that Tupperware back to my dorm, carefully float it in the toilet, and then nail it dead center with a big brown poopy missile. That's all pure speculation. You can't prove that. It's just hearsay. From me.

I also didn't keep that container of poop under my bed for two whole days, not realizing that I easily could have pooped in the container hours before the giveaway. I may have used Glade in my room to mask the scent. But there's no record of that. No Glade was found anywhere at the scene. To imply there was is racist and elitist.

Anyway, if I were to have shat in a box and given to someone, here's how I would have finished the job. I would have wrapped the offending Tupperware in the nicest Christmas paper possible, then placed a lovely bow on top. Then I would have attached a note that said:

For Billy:

A piece of shit for a piece of shit.


Then I would have placed it in a pile next to all the other gifts, made sure Billy's gift was opened last, then squealed with delight as Billy opened the shitbox while everyone in the room recoiled in horrified laughter.

Billy threw the box out of the dorm skylight, where it may or may not rest to this very day. I don't know, because I wasn't there. And I didn't do it. I think Billy was involved in some kind of drug deal gone wrong, because I am 100% not guilty.

But, if you'd care to read my theories as to how I would have done it had I been the perpetrator, feel free to pick up If I Did Shit In Tupperware As A Secret Santa Gift Once, Here's How It Happened by Big Daddy Drew at your local Barnes and Noble, or anywhere else fine Regan Books are sold.

UPDATE: FOX has cancelled airing the OJ interview and publishing the OJ book, citing bad taste. Airing in the place of the interview, presumably, will be a very special episode of "The Swan".

Read more about the controversy in Rupert Murdoch's new book, "If I Did Try And Profit Off The Gruesome Murder Of Two Innocent People By Giving A Pathetic Murderer Millions Of Dollars And Free Publicity, Here's How It Happened".

24 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Holy fucking shit...that's gold drew.

And yes, Judith Regan is the devil.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Would or would you not have a book signing in the possible future?

Awful Chief said...

Perhaps this book is just the first of many in a series. Up next: If I Did It: How I would have raped that white girl by Kobe, followed by If I did it: My dawgs and I Would Have Shanked Them Cats by Ray Lewis.

Who else saw the Joe Namath interview on 60 minutes last night? There were some great moments.

Claude Balls said...

If I had cut down the Christmas tree in front of Phi Beta Kappa Hall with Jon Leibowitz (look him up), I certainly wouldn't tell Judith Regan how I would have done it.

(Word verification: wiwiaat)

Unsilent Majority said...

are you talking about jon stewart?

8hrdrive said...

a fine addition to that gift would be an assortment of crackers with an elegant crystal serving tray

Spectacular Sam said...

Holy shit is right. Too bad there was no YouTube back then.

swing4 said...

It's official, I'm home-schooling my kids.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Holy shit. I just saw that both the TV show AND book are now canceled - due to drawing way too much criticism.

Rob I said...

The TV show was canceled? That sucks. I really wanted to see Big Daddy Drew talk about doody on network television.

doug_plank said...

Could OJ's interview be any more offensive then "Dancing with the Stars"?

Dat RoRo Kid said...

i love shitting.

Flametown said...

So..you're telling me you're Najeh Davenport!?!

Big Lund said...

dude, seriously......i giggled like a little schoolgirl getting a french tickler from a 10th grade retard....f'ing gold dude. You really need to become a professional writer, you are really talented.

Grimey said...

"He's gonna shit when he finds out it's shit!"

Matt said...

I'd read that book.

Signal to Noise said...

I'd pre-order the book and Tivo you being interviewed by your hack publisher.

No one at News Corp had any idea that this whole book/TV interview could get negative coverage...

brody said...

i wonder how many shits that book would take me to read. i read billy simmons book in 102 shits. then i killed myself. short sentences.

Tea Blogger said...

If I Did Double Dong Two Strippers On the Cleansing Waters of Lake Minnetonka, Here How it Happened.
By F. Smoot

Excellent writing. I'm not, not peeing my pants right now.

KaLiBLeeK said...

Here's where we've set the bar at KSK:

BDD writing about shitting in a tupperware container is met with calls for him to write professionally. If that's not awesome, I don't know what is.

Evan said...

the old man called the shit poop!

Draft Dodgers said...

How I Spat In Her Face When What I Really Wanted To Do Was Snap One Off On Her Chin.
By Pacman Jones

burma jones said...

This is all totally preposterous. If, while in High School, I grew a pound of weed which subsequently funded the purchase of my first car, the absolute last thing I would do is discuss it hypothetically on the internet. Simply ridiculous.

highonLowe said...

fucking classic. Way better than my pour-honey-in-this-jerk's-sleeping-bag gig from a 7th grade camping trip. (believe me, he earned it)