Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Dennis Green's Ass Crowned with Walking Papers

Dennis Green will not return to the Cardinals next season.

Oh my God this is shocking. This blows my fucking mind. I knew Bruce Willis was dead halfway through The Sixth Sense, and I had a feeling about 9/11, but this... This. Wow. I did not see this coming, not after the Monday night meltdown where the Bears didn't even need an offensive touchdown to mount a huge comeback, and certainly not after losing to the Raiders.

The firing I can understand. But cutting his arms off seems a bit draconian.

Really, all that the Cardinals can play for now is pride. But seeing as how they don't have any pride, they'll have to settle for losing out and getting the #1 draft pick.

The Buzzsaw is reportedly looking for a replacement, and the early favorite is Steve Mariucci. If they can't get Mariucci, they'll settle for anybody who sucks between one-third and three-fourths as much as Green. So Mike Martz is probably on the list.

Happy Thanksgiving, Denny. This year, you should be thankful that you lasted as long as you did. And also Fishing Across America. But we're all thankful for Fishing Across America.

p.s. Anybody who picked the Cards for the playoffs this year: stand up and let us mock you now. You know who you are.

13 comments:

Draft Dodgers said...

Will Leitch is thankful. So thankful.

Dave said...

I went back and checked to be sure. I picked Seattle to win the NFC West. Whew.

Granted, I did pick Miami, so you can mock me for that if you want.

Unsilent Majority said...

Here's a guarantee, the ticket prices at the Pink Taco will take a big hike next year. That's the only way Bidwell will pay off Denny's contract.

J.L. White said...

I wish I could remember everyone that was picking The Buzzsaw to defy The Lord's Will and not suck this year. Not just because I'm a bitter and petty Seahawks fan, but also because I'd like to know which sportswrriters actually believe a football team can win games without any semblance of an offensive or defensive line.

I don't know about anyone else, but the Cardinals are EXACTLY who I thought they were.

Rapist's Wit said...

Hi, my name is Cameron and I picked the Cards to make it to the playoffs. I have been sober of insane fantasies for about 7 weeks now... the Raiders loss was when I officialy fell off the wagon. I'd rather be a fucking alcoholic than a Cardinals fan right now, but I think being a Cardinals fan and being an alcoholic go hand in hand

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

for a good time, Denny, here's donna shalala's number: 555-theU

fatty said...

UM, please do not dilute the revenue by using the words pink and taco in succession when discussing the card-in-gals. The people of Glendale, AZ had the chance to make money off that phrase (and really, cardinal football aside, who wouldn't want to "take a road trip to the pink taco"???) and voted it down, so the only sane thing to do is let it die. A slow, willowy, death. That's how tacos die. I swear, I learned it from Boomer Esaison...

darthmoridin said...

As a season ticket holder (who lives in California), I can say with certainty that this should have happened before now. Like, right after the Chicago game.

It is a nice stadium and we always enjoy the experience of going out there, but given the craptacular season, ticket prices better not go up more than inflation.

dusty said...

No shit..someone picked the Cards for the playoffs? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..no really, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..sick fucks.

Matt T said...

Not that he needs anymore mocking but Regis Philbin picked the Cards as his 'sleeper' to make the playoffs this year.

Mayor McRib said...

Dennis will do anything to avoid having to wear a suit, and crown.

Suss & The Family Stone said...

No talent ass crown.

tuluse said...

Steve Marriuchi is next?

Maybe they can go through all the old NCF North coaches that sucked.

After Mooch, bring Jauron in, then back to the Vikings for Mike Tice.