Thursday, November 30, 2006

Roger Goodell Wants More Chicks

It's not enough that Roger Goodell wants to move NFL games overseas in order to increase football's international appeal; now he's after an even more foreign crowd: women.

There are two competing schools of thought on women football fans. On one hand, some of KSK's most highly esteemed commenters (hi, Brooklyn Becky!) are female fans who are knowledgeable and passionate about the sport. On the other hand... woman! I'm trying to watch the game!

Yes, I'll come out and say it: I'm not entirely comfortable with women enjoying football. They're competing interests I'm exceptionally passionate about, and I like to keep them separate. A woman who likes football is like your wife befriending your girlfriend. It's just two worlds that should never collide.

I'm poorly designed for this new age of female football fandom, but in my defense, I'm shaped by my own experiences. Understand this: I never stop admiring women... except for the few hours each week I watch football. So when these two fulltimes (I can't call them "pastimes") collide, it confuses my simple, Neanderthilic mind.

Example 1

There's a regular at the sports bar I frequent, a really cute girl who wears a McNabb jersey every week. She has a delightful habit of turning around on her bar stool every few minutes and flashing a friendly -- yet somewhat flirtatious -- smile. It is a terrific part of my Sunday.

But that fucks my entire football process up. Ah crap, why'd I dress like such a slob today? Oh right, 'cause I'm watching football. Right. Football... Man I'm hungry. Time for some wings -- crap! I don't want wing sauce on my face when McNabb looks at me! That'll totally mess up my game!

Please, somebody, tell me I'm not alone in this regard.

Example 2
Another regular at the aforementioned bar: a female Seahawks fan who I've kind of struck a rapport with. She's cute and friendly. I like her. And it is the most unnatural thing in the world to high-five her after a touchdown.

Example 3
I once briefly dated a Steelers fan. Yes, it's true. This was before a Seahawks fan had any reason for a beef with the five-time Super Bowl champions, back in Big Ben's 15-1 rookie season, back when saying I'm a writer was Caveman-code for I'm unemployed.

She's quite the little starlet, with a failed NBC series and a major movie already behind her, and IMDB claims that she's got more films lined up. This is her:


Why she had a passing interest in me is anyone's guess, but it probably had something to do with my boiling-point sex appeal. Anyway, here's an actual conversation we had:

Her
: I feel so bad for him.
Me: Who? Roethlisberger?
Her: Yeah.
Me: Why?
Her: It's just got to be so hard. There's so much pressure on him every week. He has it really tough.
Me: You don't think millions of dollars and his choice of groupies maybe makes him feel a little better?
Her: [long pause] No.
Me: ...

As you can imagine, ours was a love that was not meant to be.

Perhaps that last example isn't the best representative of today's female fan. The new NFL woman knows her shit, and -- as the argument goes -- isn't it better that potential objects of sexual desire can share in the raw, base enjoyment of the NFL?

To which I say: not particularly. It's already hard enough finding a woman who's hot and smart but still shallow enough to make fun of ugly people with me; I don't need the extra degrees of difficulty that come with screening out Steelers and Rams and Cowboys fans. Could you love a woman who cheered for T.O.? Only on the outside, friends. Only on the outside.

In a combination of chauvinism and the defense of my feminine ideal, there's a limit to how much I want a woman to know about the NFL. Is it attractive for a lady to know that Peyton Manning is the fetus-headed scarlet prince of chokery? Absolutely. But is it attractive if she brags about kicking ass in her fantasy league because she picked up Marques Colston off the waiver wire?

Let's put it this way: I can talk to women in Manhattan about fashion because I know who Tom Ford is and I can sometimes recognize a pair of Manolo Blahniks. That shows an appreciation for a (stereotypical) woman's interests. But at the instant I rave about how excited I am for the spring line from, I don't know, Donna Karan or something, then I cross the line into faaaa-laaaaaaaminnnng.

But it's a new millenium. There's a new dickhead of a commissioner, and he's not going anywhere for a while. The only choice is to adapt, to embrace (both literally and metaphorically) women football fans, to accept them into our sports bars and exchange high-fives with them like they also have the right to vote and serve in our military.

I guess I can do it. Anything to make experiences like this a thing of the past:

42 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

My friend's won't allow any females to participate in our fantasy league...of course nobody wants to lose to Mulva.

If CC has dibs on Brooklyn Becky perhaps I could convince them to invite her Chitown counterpart.

Smello said...

Does it help to know that I mix my raw, base enjoyment of the NFL with some dirty, base enjoyment of watching men in tight pants who slap each other's asses? Mmmmm...Joselio.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Caveman also showed that picture of his dead fiancee to Marisa Tomei.

Unsilent Majority said...

Come on drew, you're mixing up multiple episodes.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Thanks, CC, for allowing us girls into the tree house, even if begrudgingly. It means a lot to a delicate flower like me.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

i gotta say: Brooklyn Becky looks pretty damn hot.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

My boys and I watch the Derrrrrphinz at PJ Leahy's (obvious name-drop) in Brooklyn. A couple of weeks ago this super-cute-as-all-hell girl came in with her girlfriend/cuntmuncher and watched the SF game (I'm assuming SF cuz she just had that SF vibe about her and Seattle doesn't really have any fans). Said cute girl totally fucked up our minds for a good 3 hours...and she was cuuuute and totally into the game. They were barely even talking.

That said, I welcome the ladies into the football fandom fray as long as they're fairly knowledgeable and, if they're not, stay relatively silent and try to learn by watching rather than continuously asking. That's the tits.

the dude said...

Honesty as long as women don't know more about football than me it's okay. If she can explain the tuck rule or can remember obscure Cowboys place kickers then we have a problem.

Awful Chief said...

I used to date a girl who memorized every penalty signal. I can't tell you how great it was drunkenly yelling "Tripping!" and her responding by getting up and proudly performing the signal.

Christmas Ape said...

I wouldn't mind dating a female Seahawks fan, but it seems Caveman has found the only one.

Female presence at the bar on game day make me feel guilty about the possibly misogynistic and borderline homophobic things I yell only when I'm in football-watching mode. They have to realize that Football Christmas Ape is different from Regular Christmas Ape.

Regular Christmas Ape is a civilized simian.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Look, at the risk of sounding like a 1950's governor from the deep south, I need to go on the record: I view women who know too much about football in the same way that women view men who are a little TOO "metrosexual" - which is that it's nice in theory, but has no practical application. CC is right - in the same way that a man would basically tattoo a "we're just friends" sign on his forehead if he, say, went for pedicures with the woman he's after, any woman who starts picking apart a cover 2 defense is about 3 seconds away from growing an imaginary penis.

By the way, Imaginary penis will be playing at Galapagos in WIlliamsburg this weekend.

Koos said...

Mrs. Koos is at least as much of a football fan as I am, and she often does as well, if not better, than me in our Fantasy League (but not this year, thank god, despite the Shuan Alexander fiasco).

It isn't weird at all, and I can assure you, kind sirs, she is in no danger of "imaginary penishood"*. As an added bonus, she never gives me shit for: (i) going out to a bar to watch a game, (ii) sitting on my ass, drinking beers, eating crappy food and watching games all Sunday, or (iii) "obsessing" over fantasy stats. And she has never ONCE said, in the middle of a game, that she's bored and she wants to go home. Nor does she have a problem with me inviting people over to watch games. And when they come over? No stupid questions, and no attention whoring. Just rapt attention to the television screen.

I can't say that about most of my buddy's wives. They're always having to leave early, or they have to stop drinking, or they have to balance a day of watching football with the opera or some shit. Trust me, it's capital-A Awesome having a football fan for a wife. (Particularly one I find gorgeous, natch.) Plus, since we're already married, I am no longer trying to impress her, so most of CC's complaints don't really apply.

The only drawback is that she's a Broncos fan.

{ k }

* Halftime = perfect opportunity for afternoon quickie! For reals.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

'Afternoon Penis' is the name of an actual Williamsburg band. Pretty good fuckin' name - for Billyburg, that is....

robustyoungsoul said...

I realized that my fiance, a Bears fan, knows more about the NFL this season than I do.

I guess I should just give her my pants now and save myself the humiliation after the wedding.

Becky said...

Aw, Caveman, and I thought we could be friends.

I was drafted into an all-boy FFL league last year, was the only trash talker and I surely did win it all. I never high five, ever. And I laughed when someone thought it was Billy "Cundit." I am the girl invited to the bar for MNF football every week, but I make sure to get my booty in before leaving so neither the fella or I have anything on our minds other than the game.

But I have small breasts, so maybe I wouldn't really distract you anyway. Unless you're an arse man, then you would be in trouble.

Captain Caveman said...

Unless you're an arse man, then you would be in trouble.

I would be in trouble. But like I said, I'm ready to adapt to the changing times.

Unsilent Majority said...

becky, cc will get back to you as soon as he regains consciousness.

Unsilent Majority said...

damn

Captain Caveman said...

Too fast for you, UM.

becky said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Unsilent Majority said...

too many hot becky's!

becky said...

I wrote this last night:
http://el-friends-du-nenad.blogspot.com/2006/11/i-quit-sports.html
(and I don't care if the link doesn't work. suffice it to say I'm quitting watching sports bc my teams give me anger problems and it makes boys not like me apparently.)

ps the kid in my FFL who was adamantly opposed to a girl in the league went undefeated, other than the 2x he lost to me.

ps if you are really an arse man, then 2 beckys would DEFINITELY be way too much for you. just um...fyi.

Captain Caveman said...

Becky, you need to enable comments on El Friends. I'm one of your readers, and I never get to share with you things like this:
http://withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=1660

Dat RoRo Kid said...

i second that...i totally wanted to comment on your post from last night and put my dos centavos in...

like, just have administrator's rights and dump the comments you think are fuckin' stupid.

Unsilent Majority said...

see (brooklyn) becky, you've got plenty of stalkers

becky said...

ok a) I didn't really think anyone would be reading it... and b) I thought they were turned on. oops. me = stupid. I think I fixed it.

becky said...

"I thought they were turned on."

the comments. not the stalkers.

becky said...

oh and going for a record # of comments today, CC, you don't need to share things like that w/ me, withleather is one of my regular reads these days.

Captain Caveman said...

I heard that the guy who writes With Leather is really handsome.

Becky said...

I was reading too, (other) Becky.

But I don't think it qualifies as stalking, what with not being gay and having a vag and all.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Shameless self-promotion/fishing for compliments on a Blogger comments board is weeeeeiiiirrd.

Kidding.

Unsilent Majority said...

I heard he's a shut-in who pleasures himself with household appliances.

Captain Caveman said...

Shameless self-promotion/fishing for compliments on a Blogger comments board is weeeeeiiiirrd.

You're right, usually the self-promotion goes straight into my posts.

I heard he's a shut-in who pleasures himself with household appliances.

Yes, but a HANDSOME shut-in...

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Man, you cannot stop da mackin'...you're even trying to convince UM of how handsome you are! great work amusement...

Finsperfect72 said...

Who knew that 'female' and 'football fan' were f words that didn't go together? And here I thought that wearing only my Marino jersey during games while cursing Culpepper was sexy. No? Remember, it is possible that girls can both watch/understand the game and make the nachos as well. And give a helluva great halftime show.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Do they make Miami Dolphins cheerleader outfits available to the public for halftime use? No? Oh, what's the use...

Becky said...

A little advice when purchasing household appliances for the purpose of pleasuring yourself and your partner, do not get the front loading dryers. Simply too tall, unless you are hittin' it with Yao Ming.

Unsilent Majority said...

God invented tippy toes for a reason.

Dickens Cider said...

Yikes...please tell me that Raiders "chick" is really Frank Caliendo doing one of his fox pregame skits.

Otto Man said...

I heard he's a shut-in who pleasures himself with household appliances.

He tried phone sex, but his fingers were too fat to dial.

Jutter said...

Mom? Is that you in the first pic?

Critical Sports Blog said...

If a woman knows the game-fine. If hse's trying to talk about her favorite episode of Sex and the City whilst thy hallowed game is being played-fuck her.