Tuesday, November 28, 2006

If There is Hope, It Lies in the Proehls

Rather than doing something to, say, shore up their porous run defense, the Colts are continuing their strategy this year of surrounding Peyton Manning, that fetus-headed scarlet prince of chokery, with players who actually rise to the occasion in big games, such as Adam Vinatieri and now Ricky Proehl, pictured below getting some afterplay delight from Dick Vermeil, will fill the role of "gritty, deceptively fast, possession" receiver left open with the injury to Brandon Stokley.

"May I sup of thine tear ducts, Dick?"

He's one of those players like Robert Horry or Moises Alou who always seem to be in the playoffs, even if in reality he's had to while away the majority of his career with the Buzzsaw, the Seahawks and most of the shitty Rams teams. Proehl would probably be better remembered if his new teammate Adam Vinatieri not foiled his two Super Bowl-tying TD catches (with two different teams) by twice making game-winning field goals. He better have a good reason to come back, because he would have ended his career with 666 catches, and how would have Kurt Warner have felt about contributing to that?

Colts fans are keeping their usual clearheaded perspective on the matter:
this is a really good move. now with a decent slot receiver as stokleys backup, we can start gettin back to dominating all the time.
Absolutely. Because 10-1 isn't a dominating record. And conversely, all those years of losing in the playoffs can be directly attributed to the lack of a viable option at backup slot receiver. Or blocking. Or purple Gatorade over blue on the sidelines. Or Kenny Chesney not returning calls. But not Manning meltdowns. Heavens no.

To shed some light on these and other matters, we here at KSK welcome the receiver in the latest installment of our long-dormant feature, 10 Yards of Awkwardness.

Christmas Ape: Thanks for coming, Ricky. The last two quarterbacks you've played with were Jake Delhomme and Kurt Warner, and now you've got Peyton Manning. A real glutton for douches, aren't ya? Delhomme pushed Bojangles, Warner pushed Jeebus and Manning hawks everything else. Do you feel you're being crowded out of endorsement opportunities by this gaggle of dicks?

Ricky Proehl: Jake and Kurt were great quarterbacks and I'm looking forward to playing with Peyton.

CA: Do you like Kenny Chesney?

RP: He's not really my thing.

CA: Fuck. Then I have some bad news for you. Peyton pretty much insists on it all the time. In the locker room, on the team plane, at meetings, synched into game tapes, after sex. You know all those audibles he calls at the line? They're Chesney lyrics. You'd better familiarize yourself in a hurry.

RP: .........

CA: Say, you're a white guy playing a predominately black position, so I figure you can answer this for me: Whatever happened to that guy, Thicke? He had that one song a few years ago, "When I Get You Alone" and everybody thought he was Justin Timberlake with a wig on. Kinda popular with the brothers, but not really.

RP: I'm not really sure I know who you're talking about.

CA: Well, here's what I think: he's not a very talented musician and he's struggled in recent years to find a second hit song. Just crazy enough to be right, huh?

RP: Sure.

CA: CBS ABC is broadcasting A Charlie Brown Christmas this evening. What trait most makes Peyton like Charlie Brown, the self-deprecating humor through adversity, the obnoxious relatives or the big fetus head?

RP: I don't see the connection.

CA: I'm sure you don't. Anyway, thanks for coming, Ricky. Enjoy being the scapegoat this year when the Colts don't go all the way.

28 comments:

MDT said...

Jesus Christ, CBS, it's not even DECEMBER. I mean, I'll watch CBC... it's that fucking good... but it's a little early for Schroeder, no?

JoshLove said...

is it just me, or is Proehl not even available for pickup in Yahoo! FFL?

or am I jumping the gun a bit with this one?

MDT said...

and for the record, the thing they have most in common is that when Tony Dungy speaks all I hear is "woh-wah-woh-wah-wah"

Unsilent Majority said...

You're talking about Alan Thicke's son Robin...not Kirk Cameron.

8hrdrive said...

This is gay.

http://socialitelife.com/images/kc-pm02.jpg

Seriously...this is gayerer.

http://socialitelife.com/images/kc-pm01.jpg

peytonloveskenny said...

I think my avatar is gayer since they're both wearing cowboy hats and uncomfortably tight jeans.

peytonloveskenny said...

Which, by the way, has now made me wonder if it's too gay.

BoSox Siobhan said...

P [hearts] K: No such thing as too gay where those two are concerned.

peytonloveskenny said...

Good point.

highonLowe said...

Peyton Manning is 30 damn years old. Isn't it time, at the very least, to be somewhat connected or associated to a girl thats not your mother?
(I'm excluding the 1996 pants-dropping incident, which to me, seems like a desperate attempt to dispel rumors of homosexuality)

swing4 said...

Despite the fact that I like Peyton, "The Scarlet Prince of Chokery" is my new favorite moniker.

Otto Man said...

(I'm excluding the 1996 pants-dropping incident, which to me, seems like a desperate attempt to dispel rumors of homosexuality)

I just assumed Peyton hates pants.

The Angry Rant said...

God I miss those old Rams jerseys. (small tear forming)

8hrdrive said...

peytonloveskenny, why can't I see your avatar?

I would like to compare our gay pictures.

peytonloveskenny said...

See if you can see it here.

Engineer Sighted said...

Funniest headline in a long time.

Grimey said...

Peyton probably hoped that chick had a dildo.

Uncle Mikey said...

Chesney riding Manning like a wild palomino fetus, both wearing nothing but matching Stetsons and shadow tattoos of each others names written in sunblock. On their balls.

Run Up The Score! said...

"A glutton for douches" is going to make giggle like a baby for weeks.

8hrdrive said...

It would appear that after reviewing these gay pics that Peyton has a thing for small bodied men. A latent desire for pedifilia* perhaps?

Or Kenny's desire to have his pelvis honed sexually by very large, and endowed men. A psychological trait only found in a small group of men originating north of Knoxville, TN.

I would like to thank my assistant, Mahendra Patel, for his extensive research on the latter subject.

*did I spell this correctly?

Otto Man said...

Since you asked, it's pedophilia.

Sincerely,
Congressman Mark Foley (R-Pantsless)

Rusty said...

Wasn't it Proehl who said that "tonight a dynasty steps onto the field" before the Pats-Rams Super Bowl?

If so, the man has psychic powers.

Landru said...

I'm such a fucking douche. All this time I thought peytonloveskenny was a South Park reference.

Lou said...

I was chuckling at this post, then I came to the bit about Thicke and lost it. I just listened to that song last night. So good!

Lou said...

Not seriously though. Good in an ironic sense.

Also good in an 'it's in my itunes library but only gets played in shuffle mode' sense.

Matt said...

Isn't it time, at the very least, to be somewhat connected or associated to a girl thats not your mother?

Oddly enough, Peyton has been married since 2001. I'd guess we just don't notice NFL wives until the get cancer.

8hrdrive said...

Matt,

That was the most insightful observation I have beheld this week. Thank you so much.

Jolene said...

Rusty, the exact words were, "Tonight, the dynasty is born, baby!" He was correct, of course. (Yes, I've watched the DVD way too many times. Makes me smile every time.)