Thursday, November 16, 2006

Going where there's no depression...

Weeks later and everyone is still talking about
the pictures of Will Leitch in the shower.


Unlike some of my fellow future co-defendants at KSK, I try to keep my own allegiances below the radar. Being a Raider fan, there are ample reasons why this is an advisable course of action. Nonetheless, the latest blatherings by Randy Moss have caused me to break my silence.

Randy Moss is unhappy. And according to Randy this lack of bliss has caused him to drop balls and made his overall game suffer. So unhappy, in fact, that he had to make this pronouncement at a press conference where the topic was college football's new "Randy Moss Award." One might think that such an honor would lift the spirits and put a smile on Randy's taciturn countenance. No dice. Randy chose to piss on his own parade.

Silver & Black fans, it up to us to salvage Randy's tenure with the Raiders. And since we can't do jack about the personnel and play-calling (unless something, god forbid, were to happen to Al Davis and Art Shell, wink wink, nudge nudge) all we can do is cheer Randy up. Along those lines, here are my suggestions to brighten Randy's day. As always, feel free to add your own:


A tickler bouquet from NFL legend Merlin Olsen

Membership in the jelly of the month club

Bubble bath (with Aaron Brooks or Andrew Walter, up to you Randy)

Puppies, puppies, puppies (keep them away from Old Man Davis, he eats them y'know)

Bed & breakfast getaway weekend courtesy of Tom Walsh

Zoloft


Unicorns & rainbows (works for spoiled. tempermental 12-year old girls, should work for Randy)

A spot on the roster of an NFL team

Art Shell's head on a silver platter:

13 comments:

swing4 said...

Talk about high maintenance. I remember when all it took to keep a guy happy was coke and hookers.

Koos said...

Your use of the carter Family/Uncle Tupelo song in the headline? Warmed the cockles of my heart, for true.

{ k }

Smello said...

Perhaps an Inta Juice franchise in each end zone? It might actually give Randy a reason to get there. Walter could just heave the ball in that general direction before he lands on his back.

Kickhisass_seabass said...

Joey Porter ass tickler??

rock_n_rye said...

may I suggest Randy puff on the stickiest of the ickey?

JoSCh said...

I sent him an e-card. You should too.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Get him one or more of the following to cheer him up:

- Care Bears
- Rainbow Brite
- My Little Pony
- Chutes n Ladders
- Candyland
- Cabbage Patch Kid
- Kid Sister
- She-Ra
- Jem and the Holograms
- Slap rulers
- Friendship Bracelts
- Jelly shoes
- Hypercolor T-shirt
- Fat neon laces for his shoes
- BFF necklace (to be shared with Culpepper)
- Babysitters Club books
- Nancy Drew books
- Ramona Forever

Any or all of those should help cheer up poor little Randy.

burma jones said...

An poster of a cute kitten, in Raiders gear, smoking a fat blunt, flicking the camera off. That would cheer me up, anyways.

cecil_espy said...

How about a stupid college award named after him?

Or a visit from his pals Jake Reed and Cris Carter to remind of the good times.

Run Up The Score! said...

Yay, Uncle Tupelo!

Sports on the Moon said...

Hire Ricky Williams as Special Assistant to Mr. Moss.
Let Randy call ALL plays, and replace any other player with himself.

Signal to Noise said...

Have Daunte and Fred Smoot come on out to Oak-town and see if there's an area equivalent to Al and Alma's for the Raiders. Betcha Randy's just pissed he missed all the rumphing on Lake Minnetonka last year.

The misery of the Raiders is one of the few pleasures I get -- it allows me to forget I root for a 7-2 team verging on fraudulent (fuck you Jake; go to hell, Shanny.)

8hrdrive said...

Perhaps he is not wearing the proper insoles in his shoes.

Randy's can't be gellin' when he's fussin' and yellin'.
Can't please a felon when there's no weed to be sellin'.
I know I am gellin' with the ganja I'm smellin'.
Maybe he'd be happier working with Matt McMillen?

Wow. I'm good at this.